I have been seeing a therapist almost weekly for six months now. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I'm making a whole lot of progress. Right now, his focus seems to be continually locked on some practical problems in my life, which admittedly need fixing. However, this "lock" is not really doing anything positive. It seems to be the same conversation with nothing new over and over. Meanwhile, other issues that I think probably matter don't get discussed, or discussed enough. For example, I recently posted on a battle I have sometimes with acceptance of sexuality in general, which I brought up during one session, and really didn't have much conversation. So...I'm wondering before I go in this week what are some possible areas that I should be working on? Depression is known to him. The problems I whine talk about here with making friends is also known (and has been talked about pretty much every week since December for at least a few minutes). Past this, I'm thinking self esteem and probably shame. Other ideas? Incidentally, no, he does not specialize in LGBT. I'm also aware that some might suggest changing therapists. At this point, I'm too worn down to shop, and my options (due to insurance coverage) are limited. Beyond that, there are some good things about him. I'm hoping that perhaps by having some ideas of work to do we can get moving again.
Keep working on the practical problems in your life that you admit need fixing. Tackling them will be of much more value to you than talking about shame or self-esteem, which are really pretty amorphous concepts that are hard to "fix" by talking about them and tend to resolve over time as you deal with practical problems.
He might not be best suited for LGBT issues, but if you want to work on it -and don't want to switch therapists- I suggest bringing it up yourself.
Problem is that there has been absolutely no progress on practical problems. The ideas seem to mostly be pretty obvious. It's been a while since there has been any sort of new idea. And yet the same ground seems to get covered every so often. I can see revisiting to see if there is a new possibility, of course, but I see no reason for lengthy discussions that are a repeat. And...I guess I'm thinking I'd at least like the option of being able to date if/when I were to have these practical problems fixed. But, as things stand, that won't be an option given the other problems I have. If, for example, I have stable finances in six months, dating might seem like at least something I could try to do. But if my current attitudes towards sex are at that time, dating won't be an option. If my self esteem (a problem that's existed longer than my current problems) is still bad, I probably have zero hope of attracting a healthy relationship.
LGBT centers offer therapy for the community and it's even free if you fall in a certain income bracket. You could go to the LGBT center while going to this therapist. I wish the chat room on this site was more active. So those who are full members could go and blabb about their worries to a group of people who understand or go through it. I don't know if the moderators ever held "Peer support" sessions on the chatroom... but I think it would be a marvelous idea. But, that all depends on if their personal schedule and if they can donate that type of time. I think a percentage of my depression and anxiety is caused by still accepting my sexuality and trying to express it. Another percentage I think is mostly stress from trying to work toward a career and create the life I want.
It's worth mentioning this because it's an idea that might help someone. The nearest center I'm aware of has no therapy programs. In fact, they really don't have much to offer a 40-something gay guy. I was frankly underwhelmed by the experience of even visiting the place. But they did a great job of holding their hand out, expecting donations, when I attended a Pride Event in 2014 & 2015. :dry:
I don't think you need to let these practical problems stop you from dating while you work on them. You don't have to do expensive things to date, and you don't even have to have sex. And you might have the opportunity to take a few stabs at "pre-sexual" activity (like kissing and so forth). The key is not to beat yourself up and just let the experience flow, reflecting afterwards in what you enjoyed and didn't enjoy (without judging yourself).
Maybe you're right. Unfortunately, I have to be in therapy due one assistance program I'm on that requires active treatment for depression. Unfortunately, my requirements for spending on hypothetical dates is $0, not merely inexpensive. :tears: Also unfortunately, the side of me that has trouble accepting sex is really powerful right at this time, and even the idea of kissing repels me.
I completely, totally disagree with this. Shame and self-esteem, especially for gay men, are at the root of nearly everything else. And they're far from amorphous concepts; there are some excellent approaches that use a combination of techniques and exercises that have a dramatic impact on how these issues play out in your day-to-day behavior. I have a feeling the therapist you're currently seeing isn't a good fit for you. A good therapist should be constantly 'checking in' with his client to ensure that the client's needs are being met, and the client's goals are being addressed. It sounds like you're saying that you want to do one thing, and the therapist is directing you to do something else. That goes directly against the way that good therapy is practiced. For that matter, if the therapist is aware that the same topics are being covered, and there's no change, then the therapist is most likely being lazy or sloppy in his job; if one approach isn't working, he should be willing to back up and try something different. Also, you don't need an LGBT therapist, or even, necessarily, one who specializes in LGBT issues. This is a common misconception. You need one who is friendly and who has some understanding of the issues, but most of the issues that LGBT people have are pretty universal and I know many straight therapists, who don't specialize in LGBT issues, who nonetheless are awesome in the work they do for their LGBT clients. If it's an option to consider switching therapists, I can perhaps see if there are any in the networks I know who are in your area. Finding someone who is deeply fluent in shame work will be pretty crucial, I think. And finding someone who is eclectic in their approach, and doesn't keep staying with the same thing when it isn't getting results, is even more important. Please PM me if you'd like a referral.
Thanks, Chip. I know I PM'd you some time back for referrals, but there was no one very near me. Indeed, distance is a huge consideration. My other nightmare is just finding someone who works with low income insurance programs such as mine. Indeed, when shopping in the past, it was very discouraging because I kept finding interesting possibilities, and then I'd find the insurance wouldn't work. The nightmare of shopping previously is one reason I'm hoping not to have to change therapists any time soon! As far as LGBT therapists, it's not been a priority--at least not in recent history. I recall discussion in the past here like the above saying LGBT/LGBT specialist is not necessary. I don't think my current therapist understands LGBT realities quite as much as someone who is LGBT, but I haven't seen any sort of huge problem to date.
Something that gets overlooked when seeking a therapist is that a group may offer a change of pace. The work you do in a group will follow along the same lines, but the interpersonal learning will be a new experience. Keep your current therapist, and ask for a referral to a group, perhaps.
Maybe you're not making progress with these sessions because you're too fixated on the future? When I was having therapy, initially it was to help get my confidence back so that I could increase my chances of getting a job. Not so that I could get a job - that was a long term goal. The sessions were helping me to stop worry about not having a job, and were focusing on small things that I could solve by myself. At one point my therapist even said "yes, you want a job, but getting a job is not everything". And it helped take my focus off the long term goal and focus on what I could do now to help myself feel better about not having what I wanted. It took my mind off the things I didn't have, and eventually I was able to get back to working again without the negative feelings holding me back. So, these long term goals, solving your financial issues and dating, should not be what you're thinking about right now. The therapy is not about getting you those things, its about stopping you from feeling bad about not having those things.
