Should I chase my unstable GF? or Not?

Hello All,

I would like to ask advises from you guys about my relationship. I would really appreciate your advises coz it will help me decide on my next move about my relationship.

I have a closet long distance girlfriend for almost 2 yrs, she came from a conservative family that believes being gay is a sin. But I do believe her family have an idea what she really is they’re just being in denial about it. So we broke up last Jan 12. Her reasons are: she wants to focus on herself, she’s unhappy with her life, she feels numb, so since she’s feeling numb she lost her feelings with me too. My friends told me to just leave her and since I feel like that’s what she wanted too then I actually let her be. But I was really devastated.

After a month of no contact on Feb 16, she texted me and said “I miss talking to you, so if ever there is a chance of being friends in the future I’m open” I admit I was happy reading that because I’m still in love with her. But since she’s the one who came up to me first I feel like I have the right to establish my rules. I told her that I will continue talking to her but in return I’m gonna ask her to update me if she’s going out and with who, text me good morning and good night. That’s only it. Those are our old routine anyway. But those updates became the reason why we broke up again coz she eventually doesn’t want to do it anymore. Our communication only lasted for 2 weeks. Am I asking too much? Am I clingy? Isn’t that a part of LDR? Because I get worried if she’s out with friends. I feel like she wants to label us as friends so she’s not oblige to explain and update me. So nothing was settled. She wants friends and I want relationship.

My gf is not a normal chick. She has personal issues. She’s mentally unstable. She is paranoid, has trust issue, she gets anxious surrounded my too many people. It’s so hard to deal with her actually that until now she didn’t even have any friends even just one. Oh that was me. Anyway, I do believe her behavior right now has an effect from her drug addiction when she was in high school and for not being open with her family about her being gay.

Until now she is still unhappy, empty, and numb. I do feel like she wants my company as my friend because I know her really well and I tried my best to understand her behavior. She’s not the expressive type either but I made an effort to get to know her really well. She actually told me that I balance her and keep her sane. But in my part, its always about her I also has a need! I feel like I’m not getting enough love from her ever since she started falling out of love.

I actually accepted that she lose her interest to me coz I know its her condition that triggers it. But I believe loving someone again is a decision but I’m not seeing her sincerity to regain it again. Is there a hope that she might still love me? Do you guys think since I understand her condition, I should stay by her side even without the update?

Now here’s what I wanna do.

Allow the friendship and stay by her side. And since we are LDR. I’m going to get an apartment near her place. I kinda wanna try a different set up to our relationship.

OR

Just move on with my life and forget her?

Your response will be deeply appreciated. Our latest break up is last week, she blocked me btw on Instagram and Facebook.

Thank you very much.

J

 

Thank you very much for your response idefygravity.

I do think she only wants to have friends right now because her mind is messed up. After our fight last week I signed up for ******* just to check if she’s there. And I am right, she is there, even though she didn’t post her picture I knew it was her. It says on her profile. “looking to make new friends or lady gay friends” Because I cannot give the friendship she was asking so she is finding it to other people. And if she wants to date other people it will be obvious to her profile, like she will post her nice pictures and would put effort to describe herself to attract other people. But what it only says there is "Looking to have friends" "Or if you're bored and wants lady friends"

I'm really worried about her. :/

---------- Post added 8th Mar 2017 at 02:18 PM ----------

@Bagpuss

But do you think people like that change eventually? Coz what if her personal issues to herself are only temporary. So by the time she got better, and I stayed with her all throughout even during her rough time. Do you think her feelings will get back?

Based from your experienced why do you think people like that wont help themselves? Its like they purposely want to stay in a dark side and embrace the sadness. If she really wants my company, she should also try to consider my needs.

And yes youre right, I care for her and I still love her thats why I am considering the friendship she was asking and to get an apartment near her place so I can check on her.

Thank you for your response.

 

"If you really want to stay friends you need a different mindset. It won't work when you expect something back from her. You will only hurt yourself and her, too."

That hit me hard! I guess that's the answer and I don't know if I can do that. Because I believed it isn't a healthy relationship if there's only one person who do the work.

Thank you very much for your advice. As for now, I don't see any plans to contact her. I will just let her be and I'll focus to myself

 

UPDATE: My ex is a narcissist! Thank you @Lazuri for mentioning empath and narcissist on your comment. Coz I researched about it on the web and the results are mind blowing for me!

We talked again by the end of March, she still asking me to be her friend. I didn’t agree because I cannot do it coz I still love her! So nothing settled again. Few days after I find out that she’s seeing someone new now! It crushed my heart when I found out about it even until now when I see their photos on the internet. It states on her dating site that she is only looking for “friends” which I think its not friendship coz the girl keeps coming to her town every weekend.

All throughout our relationship is always about her happiness.

She said she fall out of love to me since last November. But my stupid self still sticks with her and trying my best to understand her. Then when January came she disappeared and appeared to me again on Feb and also end of March coz she’s lonely and haven’t found someone interesting in a dating site. Since January, she is addicted to weight lifting. The girl she is dating right now is a weight lifter. I feel like she is using the girl so she can gain knowledge about weight lifting and for her distraction. I can see myself to the girl honestly.

I thought the reason she keeps coming back to my company is because I am special to her coz I deeply understand her, but the truth is she just lonely and haven’t found her new supply. It’s so easy for her to replace me. ☹

I’m so broken right now, she made me believed that I am different from all her exes. Her two exes end up cheating on her, so I gave her all the love she deserves and treated her special. I adjusted on her mood swings, accepted her vices, I am her listener, and supported her.

Like every month I drive 7-8hrs just to see her, I gave her gifts, and showed her that love is good! Even though I didn’t get the same effort I put it was still okay for me, because I believe love is selfless. Now I feel angry and broken, but honestly I still love her. My heart is always heavy and it gets heavier everytime I’m having dreams about her. I needed to move on! Its so hard. I will even have a vacation in San Francisco for a few months just to forget about her, hopefully by the time I came back I am healed and a new person. I’ll make sure she will regret leaving me!

I just want to give love and receive love. Is that too much? I guess I just met the wrong person for me.

Thanks for reading guys and for those who replied on my posts.