There's a lot of emotional changes in my life at the moment, lots of big things happening, so it's not a big mystery, but I'm feeling all sorts of uneasiness right now; and I'd like to be able to pinpoint more specifically what's making me feel this way. I feel on a deeper level that everything's right, I'm on the the right course, life is gong the way it should. But still I'm feeling all of this inner struggle with my emotions. I think on some level I'm letting something (?) go, releasing negativity..? I don't know, honestly. It makes me uneasy to not be able to say, I'm feeling xyz because of such and such.. I'm not really sure where this post is going either. But, thanks for listening.
Based on my own experience, I've usually found that understanding comes later. In the moment, the most valuable thing, in fact often the only thing, you can do is to make note of your thoughts and feelings, and any specific triggers, observe your reactions, and the processing will all be going on unconsciously, and eventually the understanding comes. I've always been someone who hates it when i don't feel in control, it's really frightening, and I too crave the knowledge right now as to precisely what's happening and why, so I can work out if there is any action I need to take to keep me safe, or so I don't miss a chance. Just going with the flow has been one of the hardest things about my whole coming out process and the reconstruction of my life. Also, we all find change unsettling, so even if good changes are happening, there is a process of adjustment. Nobody would suggest that you should feel instantly at ease when you've just started a new job in a new town. In my case I've just moved into a house of my own which I love, but it took me over two months to actually even begin to feel settled there. My brain knew it was my new permanent home, but it took my body and my emotions a while to catch up, because everything had been so unsettled for such a long time. And now I have my first girlfriend, and my emotions have become unsettled all over again. in a good way, obviously, but our bodies don't necessarily distinguish between good and bad change right away, they just recognise a process of change has begun.
Landgirl, what you've said has helped me clear my head alot; I want to come back and respond more specifically to what you've said; but for a moment I've been inspired to write some things. ---- So I've been listening to Spotify at my desk at work. A song came on with lyrics that remind me of the way my girlfriend has impacted my life. It would take s long time to explain but the song has inspired me. One thing it has made me think about was simple truths that we hold close to our hearts, that make you see things clearer, that serve as an anchor for you. I know that's all a bit cryptic, I'm trying to skip some details to get to the point. Here are some simple truths I think I need to anchor myself right now: My daughter means everything to me, I willl always do my best to make sure she has everything she needs. Giving up doesn't equal failing; i had to give up on expecting my ex and myself to be friends at this point. I probably should have accepted that long ago, but I think it's only this recent trip away with him that has allowed me to do that. My life feels better and fuller now than it ever has, I'm on the right path. My instincts will keep leading me the right way. Sometimes it's important to stop, take a breath and stand still. (Just briefly, don't worry OTH and SF ) That's all for now. I may add more as I think of more.
Don't forget that you are moving at the macro level by making the necessary changes so that you can have the life that you want. You are on the right course, and I totally support a pause and time for reflection after action. In fact reflection is very important. You might even want to start your day with gratitude and acknowledgement as part of your daily planning. I do this and find that it helps keep my eye on the big picture. Here's a starting point based on my own list. I am grateful for my healthy, loving daughter. I am grateful for my loving GF. I am grateful that I came out. I am grateful that I am making the necessary changes to steer my life towards authenticity. While these changes are emotionally difficult, I know in my heart that they are true and right. There will probably be some amount of emotional turmoil until you are separated, that's inherent in the process. Once you separate, additional healing will occur. It's also possible you can be friends with your STBX after you've both healed. No guarantees, but I wouldn't give up on that goal. It may just need more time.
B, Your at a critical juncture in your life so its not a surprise your feeling a bit conflicted. I am curious, are you still attending regular therapy sessions? I do hope you have someone to talk to real time!
I think I'm feeling that same uneasiness and I'm frustrated not knowing why. I keep reading about and trying to practice mindfulness meditation to accept what I'm feeling and let it be. If I can't identify what it is though, it's hard to accept it. Like you, I want to find the cause, perhaps thinking I can then avoid/change what's causing it. It's also frustrating when the feeling keeps coming back even if it subsided during meditation. It's like what's the point of meditation to alleviate the feeling if it just keeps coming back. I must be doing it wrong. I hope you find a solution, take care.
