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I wasted my life. how do you get over and move past the regrets?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by r2de2baca, Mar 6, 2017.

  1. r2de2baca

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    Have any of you guys had regrets? You did not save enough. You spent too long in a dead end job? You are not where you thought you would be at your current age? Your friends are doing better than you? Has depression out you in a state of imobility? How did you take back control over your life and turn things around?
     
  2. justaguyinsf

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    My suggestions:

    First, when you catch yourself feeling sorry for yourself stop and instead think about people who have it so much worse than you. Babies dying of malnutrition ... kids stricken with cancer ... people imprisoned falsely ... the list can go on and on. Gives you a sense of perspective.

    Second, try to find something outside of yourself to live for. Religious faith is great for this ... but there are also other things to dedicate yourself to. Give to others.

    Third, attend to the things that you can control and make better in your life ... working out ... train for a marathon maybe ... explore a talent you have that you haven't pursued or just try out new stuff ... maybe take up a musical instrument.

    Fourth, read inspirational stories of other people who have achieved all through their lives. If you're in your early forties you are very young and still have a long way to go ... lots of cool stuff out there to do!
     
  3. Moonsparkle

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    Early 40's, Yes yes yes. I have had all these feelings! Most of my life I have felt this way. My job, though not really dead end and is a good career, is 'below' where I could have been had I had the self-esteem to pursue new ventures. Have watched all my friends do better than me in life (at least in my mind.) Depression has been a factor all along--since my 20's, and for sure that has affected my perceptions of myself, and my whole reality.

    Anyway, your question was how do you take back control of your life and turn things around. I'm no expert at this, but have done a couple of things to move in the direction of turning things around.

    I have been working with a great therapist first of all. And actually have been WORKING in therapy, and being totally real and honest. Tough stuff, but it's been worth it. My depression is less of a factor (I take medication too). I have tried out some new things, small stuff really but it has been sort of empowering to me. Stuff like attending some info sessions on continuing my education-yes, at this age! Going out with friends who aren't my normal set of friends, but it has been fun anyway. Taking advantage of every training opportunity available at work (where before I would just go to the mandatory ones--and I am learning a lot, and meeting new people). Trying new classes at the gym, some I hated and some I am addicted to! Even joining EC is something I wouldn't have done a few years ago. This kind of stuff all helps to keep me in the moment and less focused on all my years 'wasting my life.'

    So it's not so much that I HAVE been able to turn my life around, but more like I realize I actually have the power TO turn my life around. If that makes sense. Every new experience or risk (no matter how small!) I take just reinforces my sense of empowerment and the ability to move forward. And not get lost in regrets about the past.

    This hasn't been a straight line at all though. I still have my days of just plain old feeling like a 'loser', --but these feelings aren't as all-encompassing or overpowering. They're still there, but more like on a back burner than boiling over on the front burner of my mind.
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    If you have clinical depression, I would strongly encourage you to see a mental health professional for treatment.

    Many people on the LGBT Later in Life forum have regrets because they were in denial / in the closet about their sexuality during their formative years. That's a good example for how to deal with regret.

    Regret and feeling bad about the past doesn't really serve you. Regret is a call to action. Accept that the past is behind you and there's nothing that you can do to change it. You came out when you were ready and no sooner. This period helped you understand yourself and your needs. Transform regret into action. Understand and learn from your past. Use these insights to make a plan going forward. Stop future regrets by living each day fully. Carpe diem - seize the day.

    You can apply this approach to other areas of your life. If your regret is not saving enough money, accept where you are (that you haven't saved enough and that you want to change that). Feel the regret and let that motivate you to make changes. Get clear on what enough means to you and start setting savings goals. Discipline yourself to spend less so you can meet your savings goals.
     
    #4 SiennaFire, Mar 7, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
  5. Choirboy

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    I get that sometimes too. One thing to remember is that just because you didn't do something, doesn't mean that it would necessarily have been a good thing. Just because someone has a better job than you doesn't mean they are happier, and it also doesn't mean that they made some perfect decision that led to this wonderful life that it looks like they have.

    We all have some shadows that hide deep inside us and make us feel like we don't deserve happiness, or we've made bad decisions. But really - when you make a decision, any decision , it's not based on "how can I screw up my life THIS time?" You do what seems to be the right thing. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe that wrong turn on the freeway that led you to a scary neighborhood or the middle of nowhere, also kept you away from the Final Destination truck full of logs that was going to lose control and squash you like a bug. It would be great if we could see how bad things could have been if we'd done something else, but our brains always think the opposite - life could have been so much better IF ONLY.

    As others have said here, and speaking from personal experience with depression too, the way to work through it is to force yourself, even if it's by staring at your face in the mirror and feeling like you're nuts for doing it, and saying, I can work my way through this. I can learn to understand myself better, and decide to do things that will make me happy instead of sad....and I will actively LOOK for the things in my life, things I may already have, that I can get some happiness from.

    We think of happiness and satisfaction as this giant umbrella that keeps all the rain off of us, but it really isn't that at all. It's being able to look at small things in our lives and get some tiny bit of happiness out of them, and add them all together and realize that life isn't so bad after all. I come across in real life as a kind of goofy decent guy who's generally very upbeat and optimistic. The people who see that don't know that I had a screwed up childhood, my mom dropped dead when I was in my early 20's, my dad was disabled and I cared for him for 25 years, my marriage was rocky for many reasons, not just that I was in the closet, and although I make a good living I've worked jobs I don't particularly like for years because I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Despite that and much more that I try not to think about, I'm generally happy and satisfies because I have come to the conclusion that I did the best I could. Sometimes, many times, I've screwed up, but every day I have a chance to move in a new and better direction. As often as not, I don't. But we all have that same chance every day to make some small decision to move towards the right track.

    It's hard, and it's something you have to train yourself into doing. But make one small positive step every day, no matter how pointless it seems, and you can find yourself in a much better place in time. Good luck, and give yourself a chance. It can happen.
     
  6. Victas

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    I think I should have not left school, or at least listen better when I was in it... I also regret telling my mother that I was gay, she's accepting it but... She think every gays I'm chatting with on internet are rapers, 89 years old guys that just want to fck me and stuff like that... It's stupid...
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    First and foremost, expressing how you feel, recognizing how you feel and then setting a path forward will certainly help in overcoming regret. Regret can be conquered!

    I also would point out, your on the proverbial "back nine" of life. Your life is far from over and not only have you not wasted life, you have gained valuable insight and experience which can help you live this "back nine" of life to the fullest.

    Your sorting through a lot of pent up angst at the moment. That will take some time to maneuver. But stay focused on doing so, it will enable you to become the person you want to be!

    It is all within your power and control how you live life. Please keep posting and opening your self up, as you do, hopefully the regret will begin to fade.
     
  8. mnguy

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    I'm in a similar place too. The advice given is really good and hopefully that helps us. I often avoid/delay doing new things not knowing how they will turn out so the advice to just try stuff and some will work and some won't (and that's ok) is good. Sometimes after hanging out with people I feel worse back at home alone and don't know how to deal with that since I can't be out with people all the time. Being introverted I used to enjoy and need the alone time, but now it's like something changed. I dunno, maybe I need to get on anti-depressants. Wishing the best to you!
     
  9. Peterpangirl

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    One thing I am learning is that fear holds me back (and I'm sure many other people feel like this), but doing the thing that we are afraid of, actually living it, is, it seems, better than the fear you have anticipating the event - if that makes sense? And yes, it is the small things that bring us rays of sunshine - try to savour those moments. You are not the only one who feels they have wasted their life or squandered opportunities, but it is never too late to start making the most of any opportunities or experiences that are appearing now...

    ---------- Post added 7th Mar 2017 at 07:26 PM ----------

    And little by little, start to take action to change things that you think you can improve on...
     
  10. AndyG

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    My regrets are many and I've realized over the years that I have a choice- I can use them against myself and enter a never ending spiral of drepression or I can embrace them and use them as a foundation for change or at the very least; acceptance.

    I haven't always chosen correctly but I'm getting better. As OnTheHighway alluded to- It helps to put words to your regrets. Talk to others, a professional, write about them ... Try to make them useful going forward and remember- everyone around you is carrying their share.
     
  11. Worker Bee

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    Hey there early 40s. If you find the answer let me know. I'm in my early 40s and have so many regrets I'm drowning in them.

    My biggest regret I guess is not allowing myself to take the time in my 20s to work out who and what I really was. If I had maybe I wouldn't be on antidepressants with an appointment to see a psychiatrist in a few weeks.

    I can't help but think if I had known back then my true identity and sexuallity I would be in a much happier place in all aspects of my life instead of becoming completely withdrawn and practically scared of everything and anything.

    I'm still stuck in my own black hole so unfortunately I can't give any advice however I wish you luck
     
  12. OGS

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    I think you have to forgive yourself, and not in the simple sense of just getting over it but in the sense of trying to understand why you did what you did, what you got out of it and why it was important to you at the time. As part of that I think you can really benefit from deciding what's important to you, not what you want to be important to you, but what really is, and the odds are what you've been doing, in some sense serves that purpose.

    I remember I used to beat myself up professionally. I went to a couple prestigious schools so I have a lot of friends and classmates who have really amazing professional lives. I, on the other hand, have sort of meandered through my professional life. I do a little bit of this, then a little bit of that. I managed a bookstore for a while, then I ended up in banking, then investment banking. My degrees are in religious studies.:lol: With the exception of my first adult job, I've never even pursued a job, ever--I've always been recruited. And so I would get down on myself--I lacked direction, ambition, drive. And it really used to bother me, not enough to do anything about it, just enough to feel bad about it.

    And then it finally occurred to me that it wasn't so much that I was professionally lazy as that I really just wasn't that interested. If I were to list 5 things about myself to someone who wanted to get to know me, my profession wouldn't make the list. On some days it might make the top ten. All I really want from my profession is a modicum of financial security (I like to pay my mortgage, go on the occasional vacation and put some away for retirement) and insurance for my husband and I. I would like it to be reasonably pleasant or at least not soul-sucking. It would be nice if there were occasional moments where it seemed meaningful (but I don't really need those moments to be consistent--my job isn't where I look to find that sort of thing). I'd like not to get bored with it. Oh, and I would like to not really think about it when I'm not there. And I realized that it wasn't so much that I was generically unmotivated, but that I really had achieved what I wanted (even the meandering had had it's purpose) and wasn't really willing to do anything that would impinge on the parts of my life I do care about to accomplish more in that realm.

    Sometimes you have to forgive yourself based on who you were and what you thought at the time. One of my greatest regrets in life was that I didn't come out until after college. As it turned out it would have been alright and I think I can say with virtual certainty that my life would have been better if I had been out for college. But I didn't know that at the time. I didn't know that my Mormon parents would have rallied to the task even in the eighties, when they literally did not even know anyone else who was out. The decision I made was wrong--I really do believe that. But I think it was the logical decision to make at the time and so I forgive myself.

    Sometimes the best you can do with your situation is to survive. And if you do that, rather than beating yourself up for the things you didn't accomplish, you need to just congratulate yourself for surviving (not everyone does survive) and move on. You have to find a way to forgive yourself because regret is paralyzing and as such can only lead to more regret.
     
  13. irenerheflin

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    Yes, most of the people are facing the same issue. But there is no point in regreting, always try for your best and don't compare yourself with others.
     
  14. johndeere3020

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    Something to think about....When I was 18 our neighbor drove in my fathers yard wanting to sell his farm. 120 acres half woods with the other half productive farm land. He wanted 65K for the works. I beat myself up for many years for not buying it from him. This very day it could be sold for over a half a million dollars.

    One night the old farm house burnt to the ground. Would I have been in that house? Would I even be alive today?

    You don't know that the decisions you made back then were not the correct ones for your future now, you just haven't discovered the purpose to them yet.

    I am not educated, I wish I was. Had the chance a couple of time but I failed, badly. Trying not to be gay, look gay, act gay in front of my family and friends was more important than I myself was.

    You can look back and say if all day. You can worry about the future all day. The only thing you can do is make is what you think are the correct decision for today.

    It's taken me almost two years of counseling to and a daily script to get to this point in my life but if you don't try you will forever be in the whirlpool of depression.

    Some days it is still easy to look back and wonder why I didn't come out when I was young, or didn't do this, or that but I just have to remember that I did what I thought was right at the time.

    Besides, I'll never forget, I was seven years old and asked my dad for .25 cents to buy a book from a flyer the teacher gave us in school. He screamed "no your not, I cant afford it" and paddled my ass as I watched the school buss drive off that morning.

    There was a brand new Ford Ranger (was a full size truck in 1977) sitting in our yard that morning also. I'm sure in cost more than .25 cents.

    Is that a man I would have wanted to come out to a few years later?

    Dean
     
  15. Moonsparkle

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    To OGS: Your reply on this thread really helped me get some perspective, 'and it occurred to me it wasn't so much that I was professionally lazy, but that I wasn't that interested.' This really resonated with me! Maybe the reason that I was never that interested in 'bettering' myself professionally is that a job/career is just not that important to me. Maybe it is, and always has been a simple means to financial security. Maybe rather than looking back with regret that 'I should be further along in my career like others my age,' I should just look at is as something that in the way that a job/career isn't something that necessarily gives my life 'meaning'.

    Your words helped me think about it. And you know what? I realize my job, and being at this level in my job does afford me the opportunity to do the things that DO give my life meaning. My hours are consistent (mostly), so I know I will get out in time to make it to a class at the gym, something that IS important to me. I don't have to work weekends, ever, this frees me up to do things important to me too. If I moved up to the next 'level' at work (the 'expected' level at my age) this would all change. Yes, I'd be making more, but my hours would NOT be consistent and I would basically be on call ALL THE TIME, even weekends. This isn't for me. You helped me feel better about all this, and less regretful for sure! For others maybe work is a real priority that gives their life meaning and certainly nothing wrong with that, but maybe that has just never been the case for me. And that's okay too and nothing to beat myself up about!

    To JohnDeere-- you describe yourself as 'not educated' and I beg to differ. By your post you seem very educated to me. Education is not something that always comes from formal schooling. Your analogy regarding the farmhouse that burned down really made me think. We never know what would have happened if our life had gone differently earlier on, we did this or that. We were doing the best we could and for the circumstances of our life at that time. As you say all we can do is make decisions that are right for us now!
     
  16. johndeere3020

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    Moonsparkle, I am currently coming out of several days of less than stellar negative thoughts, what your wrote is the kindest thing. There are no words to express the good that they have done for me this morning.

    I just hate the feeling of having to be some ones bitch and working for almost minimum wage because I don't have "that" piece of paper from some college.
    Dean
     
  17. Lazuri

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    Every year from my puberty to me coming out as transgender was waste. I lost around 12 years of my life quite needlessly. It sucks, but when it all comes down to it, the past is irrelevant, we have only the past and the future to work with and we should focus on making it the best that we can. All the past is is memory and lessons you can use to make a better future for yourself.
     
  18. Devil Dave

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    I took some therapy sessions. My therapist gave me some simple activities to help me start thinking positively again. These were just basic day to day jobs, as well as leisure activities that I enjoy doing (but had lost the enthusiasm for due to my depression) ticking off each task as I completed it throughout the day gave me a small sense of accomplishment, and that made me start feeling positive and motivated, and I was able to start looking forward to things again.

    but what helped me most about talking to a therapist was hearing her explain what caused me to have negative emotions. You don't get that sort of information from friends and family. If you tell friends and relatives you are down about something, they'll either say "there there, you'll be fine" or they'll say "there's nothing wrong with you, snap out of it." This does not help. Listening to someone who has studied how the mind works and is trained to treat people suffering emotional problems will prove much more effective.

    So, I'm not saying you should seek psychological support, I'm just saying that I would recommend it if you were considering it. In fact, I am considering having some more therapy sessions (for a slightly different problem to what I was having before, just to get some insight) The mind is a complicated thing, and it's always worth looking after your psychological well-being. If we have a physical problem, we have a doctor examine our body. So emotional problems shouldn't be any different.
     
    #18 Devil Dave, Mar 8, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2017
  19. Weston

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    I'm quite sure, given my age and sexual energy, that had I come out when most of my peers did, I would, like many of them, have perished in the plague. That, and the fact I have a family, are consolation enough. Nowadays, I don't waste a second thinking about what might have been — I have too much life ahead of me!

    Also, John Deere, that was an amazing post. I'm so sorry your dad was such an asshole. On the other hand, I'm a dad, and I know we are all assholes some of the time. Most of us are just trying to do our best, and I hope that's the case with your dad. Nevertheless, what he taught you obviously stuck in your head and poisoned much of your life. I hope you're able to let it go and move on. Education is a lifelong endeavor.
     
    #19 Weston, Mar 8, 2017
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  20. greatwhale

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    We call the past, "the past" because we see it from the vantage point of what was then the future and what is now the present...

    But the past that you are in this present moment creating is a creation of this present moment. It is a creation, a construct composed of all the elements that make you who you are now.

    The past, your personal history, is ultimately something you are telling yourself in this moment, it is not about the objective truth, or about what really happened...not at all.

    There is a great dialogue from the play A Thousand Clowns by Herb Gardner, where the main character, Murray Burns, talks about apologies (also applicable to oneself):

    If you see your life as if every moment has to be lived for some grand goal, some ideal of the perfect life, you will be very soon disappointed. I have made my share of blunders, but I find it best to say simply that I lived my life as an artist, that every move I made in the past seemed like a good idea at the time, that every move was part and parcel of the unique and beautiful composition that makes me who I am today...warts and all!

    That you are alive in this present moment is cause for celebration...and forgiveness. Compose your life as you live it, with the knowledge that every movement, every action, every thought is precisely what you are supposed to do, because you are the living, breathing, thinking you, there can be no other.
     
    #20 greatwhale, Mar 8, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2017