Dating an older guy?

I've dated a bunch of older dudes.

What I've found is that they're just way ahead of me in life (money, experience, basically what Chip is saying). They've got a home, stable job, etc. I don't have that yet.

I'm not saying it doesn't work, but I've found much more satisfaction dating someone my age group (my bf is a year older than me). We grew up in the same generation, are still in school, similar group of friends, etc. With someone your age group, you can learn to grown together and help each other, whereas in an age gap the differences are too large.

I think Chip has seen enough of age gap relationships to know how they turn out, I know I certainly have.

 

An older guy that has low self esteem, lacks confidence and has not managed shame may feel he has more authority and control over younger individuals (even if that such authority and control is not overt). Given the lack of emotional maturity of younger individuals, it is easier for an older person to feel more confident albeit such confidence might be misguided.

The older individual might use his position of authority to subject the younger individual to being controlled, even if unintentional. Whether it comes to making simple every day decisions (what to wear, what to eat, how to act), or to more fundamental life decisions (how to manage money, whatbto spend money on, how to save, decisions on a job, etc). These decisions may tend to be more imbalanced yielding to the older individual in the relationship.

So, if an older individual has more life experience while at the same time is emotionally immature due to low self esteem and low confidence and such person enters a relationship with a younger individual, the younger individual might be headed for a more difficult time in such a relationship compared to one where the life experiences and maturities are more balanced.

 

I have to agree with Chip and Jax12 for this for the same reasons, especially for the control behaviors stuff because it doesn't seem to be, but it's very easy to act like that. To me, it's a bit too much old, I think 30 would be the highest acceptable age for a 18 years old guy like you for the reasons above (Chip and Jax).

 

How long have you known each other? How long have you been dating? How did you meet? What is it about your family and friend's potential reaction that you fear?

I don't think we accomplish anything by trying to convince you that he's controlling you somehow, especially when you say that you don't feel he is. That would be assuming too much negative about him and assuming unfairly about you as well.

But let's get to the heart of this. I think you came here hoping people would say there's nothing wrong with the age gap and that if he makes you happy then you should just date him. But what does it accomplish if anyone here says that? Would you not still be in the same position feeling shame about revealing the relationship to your family and friends?

There's a part of you that feels like there's something to be ashamed of in this relationship...why is that?

 

My first boyfriend was 38 years old and I had just turned 20 when we became a couple. He did not look his age at all and initially the relationship was good. I learned a lot from him and never paid attention to the fact that he was much older than myself. After the relationship ended five years later...I noticed that every boyfriend I had in my life after him was always older than myself. In all honesty, I've learned a lot from being with an older guy in so many ways that were very beneficial to this day.

 

I feel there's a little bit of not necessarily judgement going on in here, but I'm a 26 year old and I recently married my boyfriend of nearly 3 years. He's 52 years old, and I love him with all my heart.

Is he more financially secure than me? Sure. But that has never affected our relationship. I've always found myself attracted to older men for their emotional maturity.

I think bunching older men who like younger men together and maybe visa versa as mentally unheathy is a nearly painfully ignorant generalization, and one that I actively resent. I've watched straight and gay friends tear one another apart, and watched their relationships crash and burn over relatively minor things that my husband and I have powered through or not encountered at all.

Maybe it's that I myself am not mentally healthy due to some very traumatic events in my youth, events I am very grateful for my husband's tireless understanding of, but I love him, and he loves me. And that is enough for me. He helps my self confidence immensely, and we share more similarities than I can count. I honestly could rattle on for hours, but I think I've made my point.

Follow your heart, Acidic, and if your heart leads you to an older man, rock on and stay awesome!~

 

Here's the thing. You're 26, and OP is 18. You mature quite a bit within those 8 years (When I look back to when I was 17, I've definitely seen a change in attitude and maturity). In addition, your partner is 14 years older than OP's. I've found that age gaps matter less as the people get older and mature.

I am certainly not trying to judge at all, but I've been there and dated older guys. Hell, even now I still find older guys attractive, I just have to be mindful about the age difference if I were to be in a relationship with one. If I find someone attractive, and we have many things in common, I will admit I will want to start dating him.

Oh definitely, that's why I said it's fine if you two like where you are right now. I wouldn't give it up either if I were you. But you're asking what we think about dating an older guy. I personally haven't had very much success with seeing guys 10+ than me, but on the other hand, my therapist's husband is 10 years older than her. She's 30, he's 40.

You'll hear many people saying "If it's two consenting adults then it's fine". If you look at it black and white then sure. But what do you define as adult? 18? 25? Do they have a stable job? What about their own place to live? Do they know what they want in life? Etc.

Good luck dude, if you're happy where you are right now then I see no reason for you to continue the relationship. Cheers!

 

To add to this, the last 'growth spurt' of the brain ends when you're about 25, so the brain still has a lot of maturing to do when you're 18. The psychology professors I took classes with pretty much mirrored the same information that this article says:

 

Well, good to know your psychoanalytical skills are honed in so well you believe compliments equate to confidence.....:bang:

Control is not an overt concept. It is often quite subtle and even subconscious.

And if your being swept off your feet by him simply because your getting complimented, then maybe there are some things you need to further think about relating to yourself.

Finally, if your just looking to justify for yourself the relationship, then are you really interested in peoples experienced and thoughtful answers?

 

But why are you scared?

Spell it out. You'll have your answer to whether or not you think you should continue this relationship right there.

 

you do not love someone due to their age

you love they for who they are

go with your heart young man