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Questioning myself on a regular basis

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by addy122, Mar 5, 2017.

  1. addy122

    Regular Member

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    I need to vent a bit and get some advice.

    I have a hard time talking to people in real life about this although I recently started to open up with family members and am seeing a councillor.

    I question my sexual orientation on a regular basis. And I find that when life gets hard I fall deep into this pattern of checking to see who I am attracted to - male or female. I recently moved to a new town across the country for school and fell into a deep depression being separated from my friends and family. I have no roommates so I ended up spending most of my spare time inside alone and its starting to really get to me.

    I believe that I was sexually abused as a child and first started talking to my family about it around age 20. I'm 25 now, so this situation has been going on for some time now. At first my family didn't believe me, and said that theres no way it could have ever happened. I didn't know who it was at first, and still don't to this day, but I know that something happened to me as a child. Someone took advantage of me.

    As a teenager I was addicted to porn and when I was 18 or 19 and not social or meeting girls in real life, I started to cam online. At first I would seek females to cam with but I didn't want to pay for cam sites and there were few females on the free cam sites. Eventually it became an addiction to see somebody watching me masturbate. I eventually started to cam with men because there was an abundance of them on these cam sites. However, the topics I discussed with these men (through text not voice) was about a younger person being abused by a person in authority, and for some reason I enjoyed talking about it at the time. But it haunts me to this day. I never really enjoyed showing my body to other men, even though they would ask. It was strictly me masturbating, another guy masturbating, and I would have porn open in other tabs, and 'relive' the abuse through an older male. I wasn't interested in seeing these men orgasm or reaching orgasm myself. For some reason I wanted to talk about this abuse.

    I started masturbating when I was young and always got off to straight porn, I remember having favourite porn stars (female).

    I had a girlfriend from age 14-17. I haven't been in a long term relationship with a female (for over a couple months) since that relationship. Because I am terrible at maintaining relationships. Friendships and romantic.

    I have been around gay men, my roommate (1 of 4) last year was gay, and we got a long, talked all the time, but I didn't feel sexual attraction towards him.

    Anyways I want to get some advice on whether it is normal for gay men who are coming out of the closet to believe they were sexually abused. Or lie to themselves and tell themselves they were sexually abused as a child. Because my family didn't believe me I question whether it happened to me. And I start to think that maybe I am just attracted to men because of these things I did on the internet. I don't know what to believe anymore. I do believe I was sexually abused and relate to the story of those who were also abused (Theo Fleury and others).

    I have never slept with a man in real life. But I struggle to believe that I'm straight because of these things I've done on the internet. I have had a number of positive sexual encounters with females since my last relationship. I actively seek female partners, but my depression gets in the way of me maintaining relationships. I isolate myself and self medicate with marijuana.

    I just want to come to terms with these things I have done on the internet. Because it was never 'normal' gay sex. I was discussing a young person being abused on the internet. It led me to believe that I am a pedophile and is causing me a great amount of grief and shame.

    Can someone please chime in and give some advice.

    It would me much appreciated.
     
  2. addy122

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  3. DreamonRose

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    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I think that it is okay to have those likes. There is a whole category on ****hub that is litterally abuse it is a thing people enjoy. You have not done anything wrong.