So, one thing I've been told by people in a support group I attend, and some people here may have said it too, is that I'm a pretty self aware guy. I tend to see everything, even if I fail at course correcting myself about it. I noticed last night and this morning that one thing I seem to do often is want to have people I am close to who I feel hurt by or rejected by acknowledge that they've hurt me and make it better. That even when my gut says "hey, you're hurt right now, back away from the conversation and don't speak to them again until you feel better," my brain chimes in with "no! Stay and get them to remind you that they love you! Push it until you receive the validation you need!" Of course, pushing it actually tends to lead to fights with said people and feeling worse while they also get angry and pushed away. The healthy thing when you are mad at someone seems to be to not confront them right away and instead cool off. Have a conversation later if one is needed at all. My gut knows this. I'm guessing this comes from my childhood, because doesn't everything? My relationship with my parents, which was a whole lot of rejection while I still just loved them and wanted their approval. Especially my dad. And sadly, I think this even fits into my current issues with my ex. Sexuality aside, our relationship was far from perfect. And yet whenever I feel rejected by her, it makes me want to fight for her approval even more.
I think that's a broad part of a bigger picture for sure. I'm in a place of identifying what draws me to certain unhealthy relationships and habits and makes me want to pursue them even when I know they're bad for me. Doing things that are bad for you definitely doesn't fit into loving yourself, so identifying that could be a first step towards that self love.
If you haven't read the book The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs, I recommend reading it ASAP. I'm half way through it at the moment and the book discusses gay men and invalidation. I think you'll find it helpful.
I understand that mentality, but I don't act on it. Had dinner with my ex gf last night. I owed her some money and we went ahead and met for dinner/drinks (her choice). The relationship ended based on her and I was hurt, destroyed, upset. It's been several months but I've got it together and trying to move forward. I don't think I could have even seen her until recently....not ready emotionally. Anyway, in my head I wanted closure; I wanted her to acknowledge that she hurt me and I wanted her to apologize, make amends....something. I just feel like it's hanging out there right now unresolved. However, the evening went well. We talked....nothing too deep and nothing about our relationship. Had some beers and some food. My son was coming home so I couldn't stay out too late, so no awkwardness. I did get some closure from the fact that the interaction didn't seem the least bit romantic at all, so perhaps she was right in her decisions about the relationship and it wasn't based on anger or the situation. Anyway, it went well. So glad I didn't have the conversation I had envisioned. I feel better for it.
You have been posting quite a bit over time that seems to explain what leads you towards such relationships. Go back and read through your posts. I had regularly done this myself over time and found it really enlightening to reread what I posted. As well, each time I did, I learned more about myself from what I originally posted. I actually think you have all the relevant building blocks there to answer that fundamental question. And it seems your holding yourself back from embracing the answers. There were many times I needed to accept some truths about myself that went against my ego and my own conscious perception of whom I thought I was (and the person I projected to be towards others). While it seemed as if I was taking horrible tasting medicine when I did, the benefit of the bad medicine was healing from deep wounds. Try not to let your ego get in the way of progress. Take the medicine. It's time for you to heal. The result, and I am confident of this, will be an overwhelming feeling of love for yourself.
