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I need help/advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by tulipinacup, Feb 19, 2017.

  1. tulipinacup

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    So I've been in a relationship with my bf for a year now without the knowledge of my parents or family and the only ones who know about this is my bf's family and his friends ( who I happen to be close with some of them) but I've been so bothered that I haven't told my family yet about my sexuality. I say this because I've been living with my bf's place in the past 12 months now. My family has no idea where I usually am and I usually lie about where I am or just say that I am at ___(bf's name)house and make it seem we're just friends.

    I should also say that my dad is a southern baptist at our church and my mum is a strict christian always nagging me that I don't go to church, (They also don't know I'm an agnostic) My family doesn't know I'm gay or any of my relatives because I am afraid of the backlash but I do not mind at all that I would completely move out but the thing is I'm battling depression and anxiety that is keeping me from supporting myself.

    After my last job contract ended, my mum suddenly talked about buying a space for a coffee shop business which she eventually did and told us that we are going to pay her back after. I was a little annoyed about this because it was already a deadlock that I have to take care of it but what really made me more uncomfortable about it is I'm partnered with a member of our church so there's a bit of a clash on what the concept of the business should be.

    I guess I just wanted to do things on my own but my mum probably thinks I'm a slack but it's just that I have to deal with hiding my sexuality from them, not believing in their beliefs and my struggles with my anxiety and depression.

    I really want to talk to my mum about this but I'm just really afraid that she might misunderstand all this ( Last time we had a family devotion, I opened up about my anxiety disorder and they dismissed me saying it's just "all in my head).
     
  2. Mj5963

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    Hi there I would say you are a 25 year old young man , you sound very happy talking about yourself with your bf and have accepted your sexuality as gay and are proud when with those who know. Ultimately (I am a parent) parents can't live their kids lives , to me it seems time to sit them down first tell them how much you love them and fully understand that they love you regardless. And tell them you want to be happy and to be happy they should be aware that you are gay and fully accept it but won't let it define who you are in society . You will excel in life with this freedom. Just my two cents
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    I think it's one of those scenarios where you need to draw up a list of positives and negatives and work through them mentally. What might be the immediate consequences of coming out to your family and how would you deal with them? How would you really cope with a potential backlash? Would you definitely be okay with it and would your boyfriend and his family offer all of the support you need? How sure can you be that it wouldn't have a very detrimental effect on your anxiety and depression? How would coming out impact upon the work situation?

    I'm not trying to put you off with these questions and I don't necessarily expect you to answer all of them here, but they should form the basis of the positive/negative list. If you can see more positives than negatives (and there are many, many positives to coming out) you might want to take the plunge. Just think it through carefully.

    If you do decide to come out, would a face to face conversation be the best way or would you be able to express things better and without interruption in a letter or email? Give it some thought.
     
  4. tulipinacup

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    I eventually came out to my mum and boy It wasn't the reaction that I wanted. When I told her, She said that she has already her suspicions when I met up with my ex-bf who is European but I was saddened that she was ignorant with Homosexuality. She told me that it's best that I remain single all my life and wouldn't commit "sinful" acts against God. I didn't have a chance to defend myself because she kept relying on her Religious belief and at that point, I realised how it was no use for me to argue and I kept my mouth shut about it. She did say that she would give me time to reflect on my sexuality and after the talk I went to my bf's place and cried all day.

    I have no idea what to do with my life anymore and I wonder if moving out is an option.
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    I'm sorry your mum reacted so badly and couldn't see beyond her strict religious beliefs. I wish parents would understand how much it hurts when they can't bring themselves to respond with warmth and compassion. We're not asking for their approval or a magnificent gesture of delight, all we seek is kindness and patience. We actually understand how it may challenge them and cause some inner conflict, but it's still very sad when their immediate reaction is one of hostility.

    In all honesty, there would have been little to gain from defending yourself in the heat of the moment. Your mum was reacting and venting and it would have made a bad situation worse if you'd challenged her and pushed more sensitive buttons. Better to walk away as you did for a cry and leave her to climb down from the soap box. If she'd seen you get angry or upset it would only lead her to the belief that you are uncertain or unhappy about your sexuality.

    If you are going to be confronted with more hostility and disrespect at home you may want to think about moving out for a while, if that's an option and leave your mum with some reading material and resources from organisations like PFLAG. If she has time to process her thoughts and read about the experiences of other parents of gay kids, it might help her to calm down and reach a more rational and tolerant place.

    Stay strong and keep talking. We're here for you.
     
  6. tulipinacup

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    Thanks for the response, Patrick. I cried the rest of the afternoon and night at my bf's place and did not have the will to come home until my mum texted me the morning after. She did reassure that she loves me still despite our disagreements and that's where I took the opportunity to fully explain what I was going through and how my repressed sexuality has kept me withdrawn from people around me.

    She did thank me opening up to her and asked what she needed to do to help. I just said to continue being there for me and during that day we had our lunch for the second time. I was a bit teary eyed but I think I felt better this time around.

    I think she needs a bit more of understanding and but I'd give her time for it.