So, here I am, about two months post-breakup with the girl who literally changed my whole life and way of thinking. It was there, I know. She just gave it the opportunity to reveal itself. She's gone. I'm still here. Of course, men are the ones who want to date me. One has no idea, other than me sharing the "A girl kissed me" story when it first happened and I was bewildered. The other I worked with and actually dated before said girl. He knows. He was heartbroken, but he seems to be trying. I date. I don't feel anything. I wonder if I will go through the motions for another few years until I can leave this place and finish figuring out who I am. I'm neither happy nor unhappy. Just here for the moment. Where I used to work everyone knew of my relationship. I work in a new place now and I haven't discussed my personal life with anyone. They have no idea, or at least I think they don't. My ex has kept in contact. Tells me when pertinent things happen in her life. I think she doesn't want someone else to tell me, which I suppose is a good thing. I realize that although she is a good person, she isn't the amazing person I have made her out to be. I think she has a thing for straight girls, or at least confused girls. I called her on that during our last real argument and you know that look someone gives you when you've crossed the line...struck a nerve? Yeah, I got that. But me. I'm doing okay. I am just left confused. Like I opened a door and stuck my toe out, but remained inside. Of course, going through the normal looking back on my life and trying to decipher things. Reading too much into it? I don't know. I live in a tiny, southern, rural, non-gay friendly place. This is hard. I don't know what I need, other than to find out who I really am.
afgirl....You are so right when you say that you need to find out who you are. Like you, I have only opened the door a little bit. I am out to several friends, my therapist and my wife (she stayed with me...we do love each other, even if that is confusing!). My biggest challenge has been to find out who this new-me is. Even though I have known for over 50 years that I was gay, I refused to accept it, act on it, or even think about for all those years. Now that I have accepted it and will think about it (still not acting on it), I find that the real-me is actually a stranger. I have to find out why he feels the way he does, why some things are more difficult than others, etc. I'm pretty sure that this is the same thing you are dealing with right now. For me (don't want to force this on others), I have found that if I can understand the reason that something is bothering me, I am most of the way to learning how to integrate that into the new gay-me. I don't want this post to get too long, but I have a really good example of what I'm talking about...I'll they to make it short! I watched a video by a You-tuber that I follow...he was talking about a hookup he had with a German guy (he's British). Neither one of them spoke the other's language so they communicated with signs, etc. He said it was one of the most memorable experiences in his (26 years old) life. I got upset...he didn't know this guy. They parted never to see each other again...it made me feel dirty. Then it hit me!! I have been "indoctrinated for all my life that sex was ONLY in marriage and for the purpose of procreation. Therefore, the hookup made me uncomfortable. The new-me said; "Hold on, they are adults. They broke no laws. The did something that they both enjoyed. No one was hurt in any way. So what is the problem?" Well...I was the problem. I was allowing the old-me and prejudice to control my thoughts and feelings. Once I got that through my thick head I realized that they did nothing wrong I was able to see this as a problem in my life that I needed to work through. Now I look at situations like that with an entirely different view point and I feel like I have taken a step in the right direction. Sorry, this got long even though I tried to keep it shorter! Yes, we all need to find out who we are...everyday. Keep finding out who you are! By the way...is there any possibility of moving to another town/city? It sounds like you are pretty much "trapped" where you live....David
Hey afgirl. It sounds like a good opportunity for some life meditation for you. To see what happens post break up. That, likes straight and confused girls, thing. I bet you did hit a nerve. I feel like a lot of people are like that, going after people they'll never truly have - like someone who's maybe way out of their league, or already in a relationship, their boss, etc... Now will be a good time to see where your heart takes you. I was devastated when I knew I wouldn't end up with the woman I fell for and made me question. But it was necessary for me to see that the liking women thing stuck around long after her. Now may be a great time of clarity for you, and a way to realize what you will and won't stand for.
Yes, I do think I need to focus on who I am. I think it's difficult for anyone, though. Are you really who you think you are? Sounds dumb, but you know when you're raised that you will like boys, and you will get married and be happy. Is that really what I wanted or is it what I knew was expected of me? And yes, I think there may be issues with her as well. I remember her telling me that straight girls always break her heart. In retrospect that just seems strange. Maybe she is going after that relationship that she knows isn't going to work out. I am pretty certain I have done the same thing in my relationships with men. I can't really fault her. I still think she is an awesome person and I miss her terribly, but maybe one day we can be friends. Meditation sounds like a nice place....and a step in the right direction. I used to think that at a certain age it was too late to find someone. I am now thinking that if it's supposed to happen, it will find a way. I think love is funny like that. She still texts me now and again and has even mentioned that we should get together for dinner and drinks sometime soon. I don't know if I'm ready for that. It has been a difficult two months, and you know time heals everything. I think about her less every day, but I still think about her every day nonetheless. Love is difficult and complicated. Way more than we would like to admit most of the time. Right now, I don't think I'm even in a place where I could be in a normal relationship with another woman. I will finish raising my daughter and get her in college and then I can figure out where I want to live and how I want to live my life. It will be later than I expected, but I think my situation makes normalcy out of the question. But you know, I think it's going to be okay.
I can relate, being post breakup from ...'the girl who literally changed my life and whole way of thinking...' **Sigh** At any rate it sounds like this experience has been a springboard for you to discover who you really are, to reflect on your life and think about how you want to live it. And that for sure is a positive thing! (it was for me too.) I also love how you ended your last post, 'I think it's going to be okay.' There is that quote- 'Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.' And I am sure in the end it will be okay!
Yes, that's positive thinking at its finest. I have come to realize that this really didn't have all that much to do with me. Sometimes, you try to find the logic in what you should have done differently. What would have led to a better outcome, that sort of thing. I miss her terribly, and I don't let people in very easily, so this will probably be with me for quite sometime. I don't think she meant to hurt me, but she's got demons of her own. I can't beat myself up anymore, which is what I was doing. I know I'm not perfect, but I have to realize nobody else is, either. Just have to focus on the things in life that I do have control over.
