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Relief

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by johndeere3020, Feb 15, 2017.

  1. johndeere3020

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    I have never mentioned, except to one person on this forum......

    When I was in first grade, 1979-80, I got sent to a special education teacher for speech. I couldn't sound out the letter "S" properly, still can't for that matter unless I make an effort.
    I vividly remember getting held down, my face at his crotch area and his erect penis in side his pants against my cheek. I also remember being bent over his gray metal desk, my left arm wrenched behind my back so far I started to cry. Afterwards having to tuck my shirt in while feeling an immense sense of shame.
    I can't tell you for sure if anything happened because what I wrote is all I can remember.

    At about 10 I remember That I started to feel different, maybe thinking some boys were cute.

    At 11 there was a farm accident that deprived me of a couple of fingers.

    The summer I turned 15 I finally began puberty, I think the last boy in my class to do so.

    Looking back, on my youth I felt constant shame and loneliness. Feelings that I almost let end my life.

    Anyway, I met a lady at 26 and five years later got married.

    Three days ago I had a bit of a break down and told my wife about the special ed teacher and my feelings as I grew up. There was lots and lots of crying on my part and a supper lot of support from her. I just couldn't hold it in any more. After letting go of those emotions I felt and still do feel drained. Like a hundred thousand pounds has been lifted off of my back. Like I can finally see, music is clearer, that life is worth living again.

    I didn't tell her about my exploration with guys in my years before I met her or that I still find some guys "sexy" but I guess that will have to come another day....

    At least I have found some peace....Thank God Almighty.....

    Dean
     
    #1 johndeere3020, Feb 15, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2017
  2. Guff

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    You lost fingers in a farm incident!? (Yes, the 1st thing I noticed about this thread :grin: )


    I'm really sorry about what happened to you as a young boy! That sorta crap just isn't okay... However your post is "relief" so, I presume all-in-all this post a happy matter?
    I'm glad you finally opened up communication with your wife! That's a really big step forward in potentially coming out.

    And I bet it feels amazing to tell your wife long held secrets just for the sake of getting it out!
    Secrets seem to slowly rot inside of you making everything feel worse. I'm glad you rid yourself of the feeling! :grin:
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    Incredibly brave of you to share this Dean and I hope it's helped to lift even more weight by posting it here. What happened to you was plain wrong and it's no surprise that you can only remember some details. When we experience things that are very traumatic our mind has a way of shutting down and repressing everything. It would also go some way towards explaining why you felt so much shame and loneliness during your youth. The fact is, you had no need to feel ashamed.

    You haven't mentioned it here, but I wonder if the memory of that incident is one of the reasons why you struggle so much with the feelings you have for and towards other guys? It wouldn't be a great surprise to me if you said it is. You should always remember though, that what happened that day never had and never will have any bearing on your sexuality. There is no link.

    I'm pleased you opened up about it. What happened that day has victimised you for 37 years and by finally talking you have broken a link in the chain of silence. I'm sure it was hard, but you've done a great thing.

    With many hugs
    Patrick
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    This is a very important point worth reiterating. Having a traumatic sexual experience at an early age does not define your sexuality. What your sexuality is and the experience you have had are mutually exclusive of one another.

    The confusion that such an experience brings on can be massive! Now that you have brought the experience to your conscious forefront, you can better separate the trauma the experience itself caused from whom you are sexually.
     
  5. r2de2baca

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    i have heard this before and i never bought this. what is this based on? how can anyone know how being sexualized at an early age in a traumatic situation impact ones later sexuality. if there is indeed a kinsey scale, how do you know that some event in life couldnt push someone towards or closer to one end of the spectrum than theybotherwise would have been if the act did not occur. i think saying that traumatic sexual experiences cant possibly impact your orientation never made sense to me. that is a blanket statement and how can anyone know what would or would not impact a complex human. we all are different and how can anyone know what something like that could do to a person. heck there are people that have been raped that develop phobias to all sexuality and avoid it completely out of fear and shame. clearly being raped was the trigger aince they otherwise would not behave in this way. so how can you say being introduced forcibly and against your will couldnt possibly impact your sexuality? because some doctor who doesnt live inside my body, heart, and emotions said so? yea right!
     
  6. baristajedi

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    Hi johndeere, thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went throih such a traumatic experience. I too was sexually abused as a child, at age 7. It has complicated my understanding of my sexuality quite a lot through my whole life. I'm so glad you felt you could open up to your wife aboutbthe abuse, that's a step towards healing (&&&)

    Keep sharing here if you need us to lend our support, and if you feel comfortable doing so. We're all here to listen.

    ---------- Post added 16th Feb 2017 at 02:50 AM ----------

    Also - I agree with those on here who say that abuse doesn't cause aspects of our sexuality nor define it. In my case it has made it quite difficult to parse out the shame, to understand and express who I am comfortably, and to even really look at my sexuality.
     
    #6 baristajedi, Feb 16, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2017
  7. OnTheHighway

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    I did a lot of personal work to come to this conclusion. So this is my direct experience. I was able to isolate my early childhood trauma, understand the emotions that occurred, and how it impacted me. In parallel, I separately evaluated my thoughts on sexuality from an early age. I was able to reflect on how I felt and what my sexual interests were. I put everything side by side. I opened myself up and had to be completely honest with myself. No question in my mind, I was and have been always gay. For me, the sexual trauma I experienced at a very early age was a distinct event.
     
  8. Choirboy

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    OTH isn't trying to suggest that an incident like that would define your sexuality as he notes in the quote. That would imply that you can be "turned" gay, which just doesn't happen. But it can influence how you feel about it and how easily you can accept it, by wrapping up feelings you don't understand in an experience that was scary and shameful.

    Think of the many people who unjustly equate gays with pedophiles. If you're sexually abused when you're young, and either haven't developed sexual feelings yet, or else have them but can't relate them to anything in the world you live in, once they DO become clearer, they will be clouded by that abuse experience. You'll end up tying your own homosexuality to an experience of abuse and fear and shame, and it will make it far harder to accept.

    So no, I don't see anyone suggesting that sexual abuse somehow defines your sexuality. But it does put the feelings all together in a blender and purees them so it's a lot harder to figure out what is acceptable or not.
     
    #8 Choirboy, Feb 16, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2017
  9. PatrickUK

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    Well, it's not just a matter of personal, or even some doctors opinion. There has been a lot of study and research by many eminent people and organisations, including organisations that work with survivors of sexual abuse and trauma and they have concluded there is no causative link. It's simply not the case that people are speaking without personal or professional knowledge on this issue. The complex factors and emotions have been examined thoroughly over an extended period of time and whilst it's true that abuse can influence feelings about sexuality, it is not a cause.
     
  10. mnguy

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    johndeere3020, that's horrible what you went through and I'm sorry you were subjected to all of that. You were brave and strong to open up to her. I used to have a messed up idea that vulnerability is weakness, but in fact, you are strong and courageous for being honest and open with your wife. I hope the tough conversations will get easier for you and you continue to work through your feelings. Shame can't survive for long once it's spoken. Bad things happened to you, but please know you are not bad for those things happening to you.

    Regarding the comments about abuse influencing sexual orientation, I was thinking there is no connection as mentioned as well. My attraction to guys is from something deep inside that I can't explain, but it just is part of my brain or my being or whatever. My thought was that an experience like yours would make you dislike/distrust guys, not make you desire them. The important thing is that none of that was your fault. Please take care.
     
  11. johndeere3020

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    Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. They have helped over the last several hours as I have come back to read them over and over again.

    For many, many years of my life I thought that that experience made me like other guys. I know now that thinking was not true. I think it did however cloud my vision of who I was into a perverted nightmare. There should be no reason a teenager should be praying to God every night to just sleep away and take him home.

    I told my wife I wished I knew his first name to go along with his last name that is burned into my head as with a branding iron. Something in me would like five minutes with him in a dark room...What then? As my anger subsides...So he can win again? Take the second half of my life like he took the first half? I think not! I have faith that my Lord, if he is guilty, will pass judgement and do with him as he sees fit...

    The sad part, I know for a fact, is that other kids called him names like fag and pervert. Know for a fact that he traveled to other schools in the area as a shared special ed teacher between districts.

    How many others are out there carrying the same burden as I have been?

    Dean
     
    #11 johndeere3020, Feb 16, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2017
  12. beenthrdonetht

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    Call it God or karma, you are right it is inevitable. Does it seem just, proportionate? That's beyond our ability to tell. But it is good to let go of the desire to do the punishing yourself.

    Beyond that, what they said above. Incidents like that can muddy the water, but probably not reroute the stream. Hang in there. Sounds like you're lucky in marriage.
     
  13. Weston

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    When I was 13, becoming aware of my sexuality but still totally inexperienced, a man tried to rape me in the forest near our summer home. I fought him off as best I could and yelled bloody murder (I think I actually did yell "murder!") After a few minutes he gave up and I managed to break away and run for it. I never told a soul for decades. I was too ashamed, and the reason I was so ashamed was that even as I knew he could possibly kill me, the thought of seeing him naked, of him doing "something" (very hazily defined in my mind at the time) turned me on. I actually hesitated momentarily in the midst of his attack to see where it would go, but fear then took over. For years thereafter, this incident was a staple of my masturbatory fantasies.

    Looking back, I don't think it really changed anything in my life. Shortly thereafter I recognized I was gay and went deeply into the closet for the next 4 decades. Although I recollected the incident fondly when masturbating, it was a romanticized and embellished version I constructed in my mind, and I never fixated on the rape aspect of it. I also realized, from stories my family told, that I exhibited gay tendencies long before I met the man in the forest — as early as age 5, in fact.
     
  14. FalconBlueSky00

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    This is a photo project where people hold up signs with quotes of what their attackers/ abusers said. There are many other men on there as well. The I can't imagine the isolation you must have felt.

    Project Unbreakable