so i was at lunch and a guy straight friend that is very supportive who i came out to years ago met me. we were walking around an outside shop and i saw a guy i thought was cute. i checked him out and i thought he may have as well. well i made some random small talk with him like "hey any good sales at any of the stores?" he smiled and said there was a good deal at one store and i said thanks and my friend and i walked away. i regretted this and asked my friend to go back and tell him i was gay and ask if he was too. i waited and the friend came back and said the guy said he was gay and had a boyfriend but he said it was bad timing because he thought i was attractive as well. so i walked away with my friend. i guess i shoukd have gone back and formally introduced myself but i didnt...darn i failed again! but i didnt think about going back at the time because i wanted to respect the guy who was in a relationship. darnit maybe this guy could have been a good gay friend but i guess that could have been weird given the mutual attraction. anyway i am/was proud that i put myself out there! i have done that b4 but i never have just come out and said i was gay until much later. i felt like a chicken for not doing it myself. so a few minutes later i saw another guy who stopped me at a shop and comolimented me on my outfit. he was hot! long story short i nervously asked him if he was gay or straight.he said straight and i said i was going to ask him for his number because i thought he was attractive. he was nice about it and seemed flattered like my friend said most guys would be. i realized that i am afraid of not just rejection but to be attacked by a nutjob who is offended. in both cases the guys seemed nice so it seemed safe. also i told my friend the second rejection is feelin like they look at me like i am gross. this is the gay shame i have internalized. i didnt want to come out to people for fear of not them rejecting me but more so them rejecting me as a homosexual and acting like i am gross. i feel good about myself today and taking a risk. im beating myself up for not going back to talk to that guy but my friend said the guy said it was a missed opportunity for him because he was with a boyfriend. i guess it was best i didnt go back to talk to him. what do you guys think about my progress today. i think i learned that yes there r guys that i think are hot that think i am hot too and they are gay and not at gay clubs and bars and can be anywhere and its not a bad thing to take a risk and tell them i am gay if i am interested if i feel its safe and there is a mutual noticing of each other.
This is great to see early40s, I can relate so much to that fear of being rejected because you're "gross", I felt that at one point too. like you said it's part of the internalised homophobia and its really hard to break that down. You made some great steps today in taking risks to overcome your fears!! Like you, at one time , I found these steps, flirting (with women in my case)in casual situations, to be quite daunting. But isn't it amazing how freeing it can feel? Great steps!! Go you!!
appears your taking some baby steps. One of the things I found to really help me build confidence was making myself vulnerable and, as you said, taking risks. The more risks I took, the more confidence I developed. I am curious, are you working with a therapist? From reading velvet rage, to engaging on EC, along with seeing a good therapist, I think you will find a good path to help you along your journey. And, as well, you will have significantly more of these breakthrough moments!
i have tried multiple therapists but i do not find them very useful and the things rhey say i can tell myself. i dont find much in terms of groundbreaking revealations from them. maybe i just havent met the right one but after all the ones i tried (and a few were horrible), im done with them and will seek my own self help via books
Good job, man! And it's probably best that you didn't pursue it with the first guy ... I think it's a real risk to base a romantic relationship on breaking up an existing relationship. But maybe you'll see him around again and at least he knows you're interested!
I get that, I had a very similar experience as you initially until I found someone that was the right fit. Also, While I agree they wouldn't tell you anything ground breaking, I do believe they provide some direction. It's then always up to the individual to come to the realisations and have those moments, just as you have. Obviously, if the chemistry is not right, it does make it harder to have the break throughs. There is a lot more to shame and internalised homophobia that you may yet need to understand. Your just at the beginning stages. Consider doing some forum searches here as there are a lot of discussions on the topics. Personally, EC helped me facilitate my breakthroughs and they occurred much faster than had I not been part of the EC community. And the more breakthrough moments I had, the more I wanted to make myself vulnerable and improve myself. It becomes a bit addictive! Your on your way....
Have you gone to an lgbtq therapist specifically? For me that was essential in progressing and accepting my gay identity.
yea he was farther away but at the corner of my eye i saw that he was looking when my friend came back to break the news to me. i just felt like it would be weird for me to go over there since he said he had a boyfriend plus what was i going to say..."here take my number down in case you break up!" i think its better to be the one that got away versus potentially disrespectful creepy guy. lol. later though i was thinking maybe he could have been a good friend and i could have suggested being friends but i think that may not have worked because once you have established a mutual attraction with someone that is already with someone its kinda hard to suddenly flip and be like "hey lets be buddies" when you dont know them. i think it still would be a bit awkward because he and i would probably feel like we were doing something bad behind his boyfriends back if we hung out. oh well i guess the good news is that i out myself out there and indont think i ever have before like that. usually inwould never ask if someone is gay and end up getting a phone number and playing the is he or isnt he game. this felt good to atleast know that he was gay and thought inwas attractive! kinda made me feel like there maybe someome out there for me after all. ---------- Post added 9th Feb 2017 at 09:30 AM ---------- yes three men. one told me i just need to get out there and have sex and joina. hookup app so i can move past this and get more comfortable....like sex was going to be a cure all. he said i had old fashioned values and that was great but usually not shared by gay men on the whole. he wanted me to get sexual experience and exposure and continued to tell me i should not gibe a eff what people thought. the other one was just bad and we clashed personality wise. it was like he picked apart every word i said to force me into some meditation training i guess he was into. the last one was better. he listens but is an out homosexual since teens years and it seemed hard for him to relate. of the three i would say he is the best but honestly no concrete advice or next steps or greater insight at times. good listener. one very bad therpaist told me it was not physically natural for gay sex and that the anus was mot menat to have a penis in it. she also told me i was more of the "fem" because in gay sex she said there was either the "fucker" or "fuckee" and one was more dominant and passive and since i was more relationship oriented and emotionally sensitive she knew inwas more "fem". i am not effeminant and that sparked some internal issues and taunting as a child that i endured. i specifically asked her b4 we met if ahe had any experience with gay issues and she said extensive. she was horrible and should not be practicing. i never saw her again after her vile comments. it set me back very far. so yes im pretty much done with counseling. to expose myself and issues to people who could say such things.sorry i dont have thr money or time or energy to do it again. im sure there are great cousnelors but i just got a handful of bad experiences and im done.
My take on therapy is that it is great if you're in crisis ... serious depression, anxiety, grief over a major life event like a death in the family or divorce ... but that they are generally useless in terms of understanding and developing yourself. The problem is that most therapists are in a bubble of theory and political correctness and haven't a clue as to how real people actually think, feel, and act in the real world ... I think the problem is especially acute when it comes to male patients.
i agree. i think at least one guy was in this theiry bubble and he was gay but it wasnt real world relatable. oh well. i just didnt not get why people keep recommending therapy. i guess they have good therapists.
