this is what i came out for???!!! what a disappointment

Just throwing this out there. If your not fitting in to the "culture" of the town you are in consider moving. Even if you take a pay cut, if you find a place with an open welcoming community and guys who want the same things you do you would be a ton happier. Dating scenes for all orientations vary greatly in different areas. Also it kinda sounds like you could use a fresh start.(*hug*)

 

Another female lesbian chiming in here..
early40's, you have said there are a lot of gay men where you are. Are you meeting these men at bars and clubs? If so, that could be part of the problem.

Not being able to meet another lesbian or other gays was one of my biggest scares when finally accepting myself as lesbian. But I remember before I even came out, I can say I never had any problem meeting the right kind of gay who wants a relationship. They are not usually found in the bar scene. You meet them in every day life doing things you already enjoy doing. You meet them through work. You meet them through friends. That goes for gay men and women.

Clubbers are mostly hookups. Not all, but most. I am in a small rural town with one gay club. I lost contact with all my previous friends who were gay. There are no LGBT meetup groups in my area. But low and behold after coming out I was determined to meet friends who were gay. That is all I wanted. I initiated contact through social media to several who had posts about the gay club here. I've already made several friends though only one i have met irl. But talking to them, both men and women, there are plenty of both that are seeking lasting relationships not just hookups. Granted their are many who just want the hookup. You just have to know who you are, what you want, and don't settle.

You also said you were using apps and sites to meet people. I have found that so many people limit their contacts to what they picture in their head as the perfect type in looks. When in reality, if you met someone in person who didn't match the criteria you select, you would most likely get along great. Sites and apps can be a big hindrance to a relationship limiting it to a specific outline instead of focusing on connection. Another thing is people tend to look different irl than in a picture. Yes, we all have our types that we are attracted to, but irl you usually don't fall in love with the outer appearance.

My point being don't give up hope and don't change who you are to be something you are not. Change your attitude and if doing the circuit change where you are going. When you stop searching so hard, and just meet people as people, things have a way of working out.

 

Yes people using the sites/apps I'd say 90% don't read anything. They look at the pic and respond.

 

Re: this is what i came out for???!!! what a disappointmen

Haha, what a problem, you are so sexually attractive you attract all the wrong people! And I would imagine you have done just fine leveraging those looks to your benefit when it has suited your need.

Next, Do you really feel so strongly against hookups? Or is that the Christian background putting weight on your shoulders? I wonder if you really have as strong an adversion to casual sex as you have convinced yourself of.

Are you being completely honest with yourself about what you really want?

 

Hey man, I'm really sorry you're going through this and I wanted to tell you that in my experience your perceptions about the differences between straight dating and gay dating are 100% correct. (It's why I sometimes chime in when married guys are thinking of coming out to urge that they try to find out more about what gay culture is like and to consider staying in a marriage that is otherwise working and happy even if they have to engage in some sexual sublimation.) I tend to agree with you that most of the happy talk and book recommendations are an attempt to paper-over reality. But on the plus side it's great that you're motivated to change your situation and I think your anger is a good thing in terms of keeping you moving on wherever things may take. It sounds like backing off on pursuing dating seriously for the moment would probably be helpful ... but you can still keep your eyes open for dating possibilities when you socialize with other gay men. And hell you can even go back to dating women if you want to (yes, I recognize the challenges). You are not a label ... whatever others may try to tell you.

 

haha yeah dont mind me, was just have an existential crisis for no reason probably XD. i dont know im very inexperienced haha, the best ive done is having a relationship with a guy who basically lied to me for a few months, ignored me, then basically dumped me. thats like....my whole love life right there. I do have the hope though, there are quite alot of gay bars in leeds (where the uni im going to is). so i guess theres a presence. i guess ive been reading way too many "im 50 something and still alone and always have been " stories, its kinda warped my view.