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Conflicted feelings with my new guy

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mlansing, Feb 1, 2017.

  1. mlansing

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    I met this new guy about a week ago and we've gone out a few times since then. He's nice, caring, cute, has a good job, is showing clear interest in me and checks up on me on a regular basis, basically everything I would want in a partner.

    Meanwhile, on my end, I go through ups and downs where I feel really good about things with him one day but then feel down the next. When I first met him I didn't feel that immediate "spark" but I felt something that made me want to see him more and continue to explore things, and whenever he texts me I get giddy like a school girl even if I happen to be in a phase where I'm doubting it.

    The main issue here, I think, is that pretty much any time there has been a potential commitment on the horizon with someone I start to get nervous and scared (classic commitment-phobe over here), so I'm willing to accept that perhaps my down feelings have nothing to do with him and all to do with my own issues. Then again, I've always known that I want to be in a relationship, and the only way to make that happen is to find a way to get through these anxious feelings or at least make them manageable.

    The other possibility is that I may just be trying to force things with him when I'm not feeling it as strongly as I would like. On the other hand, there have been guys in the past I had no problem moving on from, and this one doesn't feel like that.

    I guess my question is, how do we know if it's just our own issues potentially blocking a great thing or if we're just not as into it as we want to be?

    Any thoughts would be appreciated :slight_smile:
     
  2. Lexington

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    It's possible that you like the idea of the relationship more than the actual relationship. It's sometimes tough to tell the difference between "he texted me - he likes me!" and "he texted me - somebody likes me!". If you're not quite sure, I'd say the smart move is to sort of stay on a holding pattern. Keep seeing each other, but don't necessarily push things any further forward. See if your feelings seem to be getting deeper.

    Lex
     
  3. mlansing

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    Hi Lex, I appreciate your input. Perhaps it is a good idea to maybe give a little more time and take a wait and see approach. I have trouble with that sometimes though because then there's that side of me saying if you're not getting what you need early it's probably not going to change much and it would be better to cut your losses (but on the other hand I don't want to just discard such a great guy). I guess time will tell, I appreciae the response.
     
  4. AlmostBlue

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    The fact that this up and down is already happening within a week of dating this guy indicates to me that this is really more about your general anxiety over relationships rather than something particular with this specific guy or relationship. If it's simply about "not feeling it", then you'd either be rather down from the beginning, or become down after a certain period of the honeymoon phase. Since you're sometimes excited and call him a "great guy" without giving us any indication of why you feel down, it really does seem like it's an internal issue you have.

    Do you know why you have these commitment/intimacy issues? Trying to understand the cause and your own patterns is one way to begin managing these feelings. I think you could continue dating him, and when you two feel comfortable with each other, then maybe you can open up to him and tell him about your commitment issues. Having it out in the open can make it easier, and communication is always important in any relationship.
     
  5. mlansing

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    It's funny because I was just searching "signs that you're commitment phobic" online. I can see how some of the things apply to me but not all. For instance, I'm not afraid of commitment in other aspects of my life, and I have no problem staying the course and seeing important projects through to their completion.

    But, the fact is that any time I've dated someone and I see a potential commitment on the horizon, I get anxious. I would guess that this has in part to do with the fact that I grew up in a somewhat tumultuous and emotionally distant household. I think this also has to do with the fact that I forced myself to be in relationships with women in the past that I didn't want to be in to get over being gay. I also was in a somewhat emotionally abusive relationship with a woman in which I developed real anxiety, and that experience was the wake-up call for me to finally deal with and accept my true sexual orientation. So perhaps those experiences all put together has wired my brain to see relationships as something dangerous and harmful.

    Then again, I also don't want to just blame things on my issues if I really am just not feeling it that much and it's more that this guy looks good on paper than I really want him. I actually haven't heard from him for the last couple days so maybe he's not feeling that into himself. The benefit of course is no more anxiety, but the drawback is missing the opportunity to explore and see if it could turn into a lasting, meaningful relationship.

    Maybe I need to date more and see if I meet someone with whom I don't feel any or only minimal anxiety? I'm wondering now if that would even be possible for me. One thing I know, though, is that I do want a boyfriend, I do want monogamy and commitment, and ultimately marriage and a family. Perhaps it might be worth investing in psychotherapy if I find that I just can't shake being anxious in any situation involving a potential long-term romantic commitment.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Feb 2017 at 05:12 PM ----------

    I actually just read an online article about 6 signs that you aren't afraid of commitment, you just haven't met the right person yet, and most of it was pretty accurate. Here's hoping at least.
     
  6. AlmostBlue

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    I don't think the issue is really commitment, but rather intimacy. I imagine you're not so anxious about the idea of long term commitment with someone, but rather the vulnerability that comes with opening up to someone and letting them in your life intimately. If that's the case, try looking up intimacy issues instead of commitment issues.

    I also caution you not to fall into the "haven't met the right person" mindset. Usually the problems we encounter in relationships is much more basic than that, and stems from communication issues and lack of self-awareness. Even if you meet "the right person", if you haven't learned how to really communicate with someone, it likely will not work out.

    The problem in your case isn't so much about not finding the right person who you can truly connect with, but it's more rather unable to connect in the initial stage of the relationship presumably due to your anxiety. Maybe you're right and that somehow you are forcing yourself to like him, but even if that's the case, most people probably wouldn't feel anxious about it.

    From what you've told me about your past relationships, I can imagine it would make it harder for you to open up to someone. Why don't you try to see this guy right now as someone to explore dating with. If you think he's a great guy, then why not get to know him anyway? Don't put too much pressure on yourself, examining whether you have intimacy issues, or how much anxiety you are feeling, or what not. Just focus on communicating with him, finding out who he is, and try to enjoy his company. Maybe you will find out that he's not the one for you, but the experience of dating will help you feel less anxious in the next one. Or maybe you two will hit it off and you will feel more and more comfortable. One month is quite short. Unless you are certain that you are not attracted to him, I think you should give it a go! (Unless your anxiety is really debilitating, in which case don't force yourself!)
     
  7. mlansing

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    You make a good point here that I hadn't considered: just because I may feel this isn't the right person for me, does not mean I necessarily should or would be feeling so much anxiety and dread. I just read an article about fear of intimacy and I must say it did resonate pretty strongly with me.

    I do believe that a big part of my development of fear of intimacy was my fear of being gay or being uncovered as being gay. This fear has driven a lot of decisions in my life up to this point. But now that I'm out, where do I go from here if I still fear intimacy?

    I have done therapy and sometimes it's helpful but a lot of the time I end up feeling that I could have the same conversation with a friend and get the same benefit, only I wouldn't need to pay them.

    I have to admit that in a way I do still carry the fear of being found out because even though most people that are close to me know that I'm out I have to hide it from my employer in my job because my employer is not supportive of LGBT people.

    Are there any books you could recommend for dealing with fear of intimacy? I would definitely be interested in exploring this further so that I can better understand what's going on with me.
     
  8. mlansing

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    But I think that's a good approach to not worry so much about why I'm anxious and what that means but to just try to relax and get to know the person. I'm not lying when I say it's hard, though. I ruminate and lose sleep and keep thinking to myself "if you're not sure then it's no and you need to get out now before you get trapped with the wrong person and ruin someone's life and your own!" These are just some of the debilitating thoughts I have to contend with.
     
  9. AlmostBlue

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    Unfortunately, I can't recommend any books on intimacy, but maybe someone else here can. I can imagine that you have to have a very strong relationship with a therapist to feel it being worthwhile. I'm happy to hear you out when you need someone.

    I was actually going to ask when you came out, and how long it's been since you started dating men? Could the residual internalized homophobia be part of the intimacy issue?

    You recounted a really dramatic past, and although I have so much respect for you to have overcome those difficulties, it's only natural to carry some damage. If you wanted to deny your sexuality for a long time, then it's likely that part of that is still there, and maybe that makes you anxious being in a relationship with a guy? Also, your household and your past relationship with women probably contributes to lack of trust in general, and a one on one relationship requires so much trust, even if it's just the beginning stage of dating. I believe that with time and experience, you will be able to get over these lingering issues though, and I think you're taking the right step to try to understand yourself and the situation better.

    If it is internalized homophobia, then it's good to surround yourself with gay people so that you can get used to how normal it is. Do you have gay friends, or any LGBT groups/activities you can join? Even watching LGBT films and series can be helpful, I think.

    I think the trust/intimacy issues come a lot from putting pressure on yourself. Maybe you tend to imagine things as either all or nothing: that people either have a great trusting relationship or a terrible relationship filled with betrayal. That would make anyone feel anxious. That's why I suggested taking it easy and focus on getting to know someone and viewing relationships as an extension of friendship, and it seems like this guy you're dating would fit that well. Intimacy and trust is something we have to build, so it's useless to be afraid of it from the get go. It's fine to be skeptical, or even a cynic, but you should still try and see how it goes with open eyes. There's clearly a part in you that enjoys getting to know this guy, so that's a great thing. That's partly what makes you afraid, because you find yourself loosening your guard. I think you have to trust yourself that you've learned a lot from the past and that you won't let yourself be in the same situation, so let yourself explore.