Monogamy in Gay relationships?

Eh? I've heard one or two people bring it up, but it's still a minority. Though I guess the dating pool is already pretty shallow.

I'm stubbornly monogamous, I don't see how proper love and appreciation could function any other way but that's how I work. I know plenty of others who feel the same, so it shouldn't be a "challenge" per say?

Though as long as it doesn't get like those old religious text where a man has 500 "wives" that were "purchased" or "earned" and instead a functioning consensual relationship I have no reason to be getting onto people for their personal choices.

 

Couldn't have said it better.

 

I am strictly monogamous, and I would want my future partner to be as well.

I've come across a couple of online dating profiles where the person would list that they are poly or in an open relationship so I don't waste my time.

 

Definitely, non-monogamous or even non dual (two person) relationships are still a minority. Plus, people who are in open relationships or even polyamorous ones don't usually go around shouting about it.

You may be stubbornly monogamous, but some people are not. I've been rediscovering myself, as poly, and it feels like finding out I'm gay all over again. Although not many, all my life experiences hint that it simply is not healthy for me to be on a monogamous or two person relationship.

I feel that I've been cheated my whole life, like many of us have been cheated by the false ideals and social standards of heterosexuality. We are raised, at least in the Christian West, to believe only life-long monogamous relationships are "true", that this is the only possible form of love.

Sometimes I think that people don't stop to realize that society pretty much criminalizes other kinds of love. What's wrong with having dating someone and having a metamour*? Or multiple ones? Or even date 3 at once? Or 4? In open or closed settings? It really doesn't matter as long as it is completely consensual and healthy for all parties.

(* If someone is on a relationship, and you are this someone's boyfriend too (simultaneously), then this someone's boyfriend will be your metamour. You are part into the relationship too, but no sexually necessarily.)


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As an hypothesis, people may "see" more non traditional forms of relationships among LGBT folk, including non monogamous, because usually LGBT people had to deal with the whole LGBT thing, so they may have a wider mind. I personally doubt it.

 

I guess I've been lucky with the partners that I have had because they too were really big on being monogamous as I was. Maybe because they were older than I was have sown their wild oats so to speak. Nonetheless...being unfaithful was my least problems with the partners that I've had in my life. However, I do remember this one guy whom I was just dating and what surprised me was that he wanted a committed relationship with me. The reason I was so surprised by this from him was because he was pretty popular with a lot of guys and somewhat promiscuous as well. Every time he would bring this topic up for conversation with me...I would reject/decline it altogether which only made him pursue me more. In the meantime...I made this proposal to him. I told him that I would give him a certain amount of time to get all of the promiscuity of his system and once this was done in that time frame and he still felt he wanted a committed relationship with me. I will give it some serious thought. First of all...he was very startled and shocked at my proposal. Nonetheless..although he approached me once the time frame had expired...little did he know that I knew he had messed around with a couple of guys during that time because the guys discussed their time with him with me which a lot of guys did since I was the bartender that customers liked to discuss their personal matters with me for some reason. Therefore, he lied to me and in a nutshell...case closed on that situation. In other words...monogamy is relevant in gay relationships.

 

For me, it's always been non-negotiable and I know plenty of gay men feel the same way. If you decide that you want monogamous relationships only, don't compromise. There are many things in a relationship that you can compromise on, but this has to be a red line.

 

I don't find it to be any less present in gay relationships than in straight relationships--I do think when it is not present it is often more honestly and openly so in gay relationships than in straight one.

 

I've never dated or anything, but this is exactly how I feel as well.

 

Same

 

There's a bit of history at play here as well. In the days when gay/LGBT folks lived more or less closeted lives a majority of the time (in the United States, roughly the 40s/50s and before - obviously it varies by country), the possibility of a monogamous relationship was much rarer, because in many cases it wasn't possible to live together, go out together, etc., without arousing suspicion.

Also, as LGBT rights movements started in the Western world, there were occasionally groups that formed around the concept of communal living, including communal sexuality, as an attempt to live a life free of any heterosexual norms (or at least of anything that was reminiscent of dominant/common behaviors of heterosexual folks). From what I've ever seen/read, these communities didn't tend to last long, but they did help create occasional social standards that monogamy was a "heterosexual thing." Though, to my knowledge, open relationships have never been a dominant statistical majority among LGBT (or heterosexual, for that matter) populations.

Of course, with the coming of domestic partner benefits/civil unions/marriage rights for LGBT people and same-sex couples, as well as increasing social acceptance, monogamy and more traditional living/dating arrangements have become more feasible, and thus more common.

 

I don't understand...you told him he could get his promiscuity out of his system and then come back to you, so he did that, and then you rejected him because he had been promiscuous during the time you told him he should be?

 

I think monogamy is still the factory setting, so to speak. Not sure that you need to bring up wanting to be in a monogamous relationship. When you're ready to date the person exclusively, you have that conversation (after however many dates) and if either of you wants something more than monogamy, that's the time to bring it up.

I think part of the reason we feel like non-monogamy is so big in the gay community is hookup culture/apps. You tend to see a number of guys on there who are in open relationships...but it makes sense. Where else would they turn to for some fun? And that's exactly what they're in the market for. I've noticed on the sites and apps that are dating oriented, you find way way more guys who are looking for a monogamous relationship. It's all about where we're looking.

 

Monogamy is a social construct. I do not believe it is embedded in nature to begin with. How one defines their relationship is up to the individual partners involved, gay or straight.

My sense is, there are probably more numbers, as a percentage of straight relationships, that are cheating on one another behind each other backs, then there are open relationships in the gay community. I think gay guys are just more honest about it with one another.

No facts to back this up, but I would be really interested to see the actual statistics.

 

Actually I'd see the 'monogamy' question being asked upon the third or fourth date, when the two of your have already had enough time to get remotely comfortable around each other. It shouldn't be something like "hey, do you want to be exclusive?", because that wouldn't technically be what you would ask him. Instead, try to drop a hint around his relationship type preferences. Talk about some of his experiences and see if you can find out what he's more exactly up for.

 

This, this perspective is, on my view, what is closer to reality.

The boyfriend/girlfriend formality, well, it is a formality. And like any formality, it may or may not represent the factual situation. The best course is to establish the factual situation; the relationship itself, before discussing in formal terms what it is going to be.

There must be a foundation to things.

It takes me back to my failed 10-month relationship, where we were pretty much like "Okay, now we are boyfriends." without taking in the consequences of that formality and without having a good foundation for it. Also, I have a big responsibility in that because I was so immature and didn't realize the weight of things back then.

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This also applies to non-monogamous and non-traditional relationships I guess. Because, if you are dating someone "monogamously" but you are both not satisfied with it, then why hold onto the monogamy formality if reality hints at something else? If both parties are not satisfied with monogamy, then they can very well pursue non-monogamous formalities, as in, recognizing the relationship is not, in fact, monogamous.

Now, if one party wants monogamy and is not comfortable with having another partner that is not monogamous, I guess I agree with the others that there is a clear red line into the formalities that are needed to pursue a more serious relationship between the parties.

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What I understand by "formalities": Mutual agreements made by two or more parties related to their own relationship. This is the point where things cease to be "going with the flow" to being necessarily, by most part, mutually agreed upon. It is healthier because it avoids surprises and sets clear understandings to what are the boundaries of what is going on between those involved. Is it it a serious relationship? What kind? Open? Closed? strictly monogamous? non-monogamous? Poly? Flexbile? Temporarily open/closed? Friendship with benefits? All of that must be discussed once things go past the initial "getting to know each other" moment