Has anyone else been in this situation? I'm not sure how to deal with it or even if I can. Been seeing this guy for around 4-5 months and he just refuses to come out as bi to anyone he knows. It's taking its toll on me a bit. It took a lot for me to accept myself and come to terms with my gender and now I feel like he's ashamed of me even though he's reassured me it's because of himself not me. He even tells his friends he's with a girl when he talks about me and if I was a cisguy I might not mind so much but being trans it hits a little too close to home. The Indian culture is brutal regarding homosexuality so I understand where he's coming from and of course I'm not gonna force him even though I've tried to guide him to come out but I don't know where this leaves me. Anyone got any advice?
Re: In a relationship with someone closested - help I recognize this is really rough but if I was not worried that it might be potentially damaging to you I would definitely encourage you to try to stick this out. However, as you are trans, his saying that could have some repercussions for you. If you feel as though this might be harmful emotionally or damaging to your self-esteem in any way, you might want to stop dating him. In fact, it might be best if you tried just being friends until he is in a better place in his life. However, that is not to say this couldn't work out. It really depends on a lot of things. I hope you find this helpful in some way
Dating someone who has a different "out status" than yourself is hard, no doubt. As you've already seen, even with the best of intentions, it can backfire on either partner (by making the person who's out feel ashamed or trapped, and the person who's closeted feel inferior or unable to contribute to the relationship). Have you talked about this together at length? If not, I would recommend planning some time to talk about how you both feel about the situation, and the pitfalls you're discovering along the way. It's possible that he could find a way to meet your needs by handling the situation differently (something other than telling people he's dating a girl, for example). You could also talk about when/if he has any plans to come out, though I wouldn't suggest that he try to do this for your own sake (it should be something he's ready, and wants, to do himself). Also, is there anybody that you two can be out around? He may not be out to family, for example, but are there mutual friends you can be open around?
As a trans guy, if I were in that situation where my SO insisted on calling me a girl, I'd certainly try to get out of that situation as soon as possible. You should consider talking to him at least once more about the possibility of him coming out, because this business of him "misgendering" you could lead to a lot of problems down the line both of you.
I have always been adamant that a person should come out in their own ...in their own time. No one should be forced to come out if they are not ready to do so. In all honesty...I can relate to what you are saying in your post and how it would make you feel if he came out since you are already comfortable with your sexuality. However, if it means so much to you that him not coming out is causing issues/problems within your relationship...then like the others...maybe you will do better ending things with this guy altogether. I was in a relationship with a guy who was in the closet while I was out. After he explained his situation to me...I had no choice but to respect his decision or end the relationship. However, a year within the relationship...he did the unthinkable...he came out to his family and friends he introduced me as his partner. I think the reason why I did not take things with to heart was because unlike your situation...he did not treat me the way your guy is treating you with the exception of introducing me to his friends as a cousin. By what you have mentioned..I totally understand why you feel the way you do although a lot of his actions is due to his culture which was the problem with my boyfriend at the time due to his strict upbringing. With that being said...the only one that can make that final decision is YOU because you are the one in this situation and only you know how much you can tolerate. Whatever decision you make in this situation is not wrong due to the matters at hand. I wish you the best...JS
Really appreciate the responses, thanks. @Edelweiss I am going to try and stick it out at least for another couple months or so. I don't think it's worth losing just yet. I like the idea of just being friends though, I hadn't thought of that. Thing is it's a long(ish) distance relationship so we don't meet very often and text can always be a bit hit and miss regarding the tone of the message so it could get a little confusing. If I feel too suffocated though I'll definitely mention that to him. @Gravity Yeah I've brought it up a couple of times actually. He completely refuses to come out to anyone Indian, even his British Indian friends here, and he doesn't even have any other nationalities as good friends so it's just not going to happen. He's told me that he wants to end up with a wife and kids so we're not going to be forever but goes on to say we should just enjoy this while it lasts which is a bit selfish it seems. Yeah I was thinking of mentioning to him not to talk about me anymore with his friends. He's been fine with my pronouns since we met and he slipped up the other day twice and his excuse was 'i call you she to my friends'. That's not even an excuse in my books, it bloody hurt. No, we don't meet up often so when we do it's just the two of us. @AnAtypicalGuy he's usually so good with pronouns and calling me a boy, whatever. Just when he's talking about being in a relationship he reverts back to girl. Yeah I completely see where you're coming from. @JonSomebody Cheers man, appreciate that someone has been in the same situation, I know a lot of people will have. Of course I'm not going to force him out to anyone, I took two years to come out I understand that he's got to do it when he's ready, I'm just not sure he ever will be. I'll definitely keep in mind ending things. I just don't want to tell him it's because I can't deal with him not being out because he'll blame himself and possibly force himself out? I'm not sure. Either way it wouldn't end well.
it really depends on how much you like/love this person and how much patience you have for him and for yourself. also ask yourself, if he can't be entirely honest with himself, can he be that honest with you? in a precarious position like this, just remember to protect your heart cos if you want to continue in this relationship, know that it's going to be a bumpy ride.
I was closeted in a relationship with my first two partners because I was terrified of peoples reactions including my family; in the fear I could be shunned for my sexuality. The guy you're seeing isn't ashamed of you, he cares about you but is likely scared for both his and your own well being. But with the transgender side to it I can see how it could be effecting you quite badly as that can easily trigger dysphoria. I suggest weigh the positives and negatives of the relationship because if it's becoming too much of a burden emotionally then it's not worth it.
JonSomebody you never responded to my post haha, your the mastermind man...u left me hanging...under the relationships thread. haha check it out when u can
I am so sorry about that...it was on my part an oversight. In regards to responding to your post about not forcing him to come out. You are absolutely right because it can go either way and yes..there is a very good possibility that not only will he blame himself but more than likely...he would blame you for pressuring him so to speak. Therefore, the question you need to ask yourself is; Do you think you can move on within the relationship as it until he is ready to come to terms of his sexuality on his own???. All in all...I do agree with you in regards to either way...more than likely...it may not end well.:eusa_doh::rolle::bang:
As a fellow Indian, I can understand where he is coming from on terms of homosexuality being somewhat taboo culturally. I appreciate you for being sensitive towards him and trying to be supportive. At the same time, I think he should extend the same courtesy towards you and be respectful of your feelings. If he doesn't want to come out to his friends, the least he could've done was to say that you're his friend, rather than a 'boyfriend' if that's what he wanted to avoid. I don't think him being in the closet is a valid reason for that. He shouldn't hide behind that IMHO. Again those are my views as a closeted person too, so I maybe quite critical. What do you want from the relationship? Are you looking for something 'that lasts while it does' or are you looking for a meaningful relationship. Because it is up to you IMHO. If you want something more, I'd say talk to him openly and try to figure it out. . (*hug*)
