Is it offensive to ask if someone's trans?

I did read your post. Even if you ask another person it is the same. To this dude you are a perfect stranger. He doesn't know you and has no sense of security at all.

Please be honest: You're not asking this question because you are aware how destructive such knowledge can be. And so does the majority of people. Maybe they don't have no malicious intent, but if the data gets around planned or by accident does absolutely no difference in the harm it causes.

 

Here's the thing about this situation though: the friend met this guy on a dating app. They went on a single date. If the friend already knows he's trans, it's because he's obviously not trying to keep it a secret. If he's willing to tell someone he hardly knows and went on one date with, I don't think he's in a situation where being outed to OP would be dangerous or upsetting for him.
And if he hasn't told the friend, the friend can't possibly tell anyone else, even when asked.

 

Imo there's no harm in asking in this situation, it was a confusing thing to say and any normal person would have been like '?'.

If she doesn't want to answer that's her problem, she doesn't have to but asking giving the context is completely reasonable.

Since she was being overly defensive/private about it I wonder if there's some sort of worry on her part there.

 

@darkcomesoon: It is likely that you're right that he doesn't care. But even then there is a small probability he might not want it. And for the sake of this small probability the person who might be asked about him should ask him if he's okay with it or would rather not have it go public.

 

I won't answer the main question because others already did but I think my response to hearing about where they met would be "Why is a man on a lesbian dating site?" Because there are some weird straight guys who like to prey on lesbians and I'd probably think he is one of them.

---------- Post added 30th Jan 2017 at 06:58 AM ----------

It's kind of weird for a guy to be on a lesbian site and personally anytime I see that I don't think they might be trans, I think they are a gross straight guy who doesn't believe lesbians are real lol.

I don't think that question is offensive at all because it is perfectly valid to be like wtf lol and it's not asking if someone is trans.

 

I could see myself asking the same question. I think a tactful way of asking that question would be "wait, you were on (dating app) and there was a guy there?"

 

Yeah, this is one of those questions I'd be careful about asking, as well as how I asked it. Perhaps if we were on the topic, or at a trans-specific event, and even then, it would have to be someone I knew fairly well. You're totally entitled to ask, but by the same token, they're free to reply however they please. Asking so soon could come across as judgmental or disapproving.

I suppose what complicates matters is how many trans men are active in the lesbian community, or how AFAB folk are over represented in the genderqueer/non-binary one. Things aren't nearly so... stratified? like in the gay male dating world, where you almost never see gay men or trans women involved like that, and there's an emphasis on hyper masculinity. Plus, with no "glue" like feminism to hold them together, once ladies have moved on, that's it (unless you're like Carmen Carrera, involved in entertainment).

 

That about sums it up for me.

Also YeahpIdk, my apologies for my last post. I started at the beginning and got so caught up in all the posts, I forgot what the main question was! That was inattentive of me. Sorry.