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My 10year old son and gay porn

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Mother2017, Jan 26, 2017.

  1. Mother2017

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    I am a single mom of one 10 yr old son. His father is not in his life and has never been. I had him when I was 16 and thus have grown up with him. I always am open and honest with him and never make a decision without consulting him first. I like to think of us as a unit and not me parent you child you do what I say caveman way of thinking. While I do have rules and chores I have always been laid back with him. He is such a good respectful kid and I like to reward him. Thus he has a 3DS, PS3, Kindle Fire and cell phone.

    He once told me when he was about 4 that he wanted to be a girl. I asked him why? And he said because they have prettier hair. I didn't really make nothing of it. I just told him boys have pretty hair too. After that nothing has been said on his part to me about his sexuality until about 3 weeks ago.

    He wanted me to search for a WWE toy online since he was having a hard time finding it himself. I told him OK bring me your Kindle because my phone is dead. So he did and to much of my surprise when I opened the browser I found tons of pages of searches for "Bears" or "Gay Bears". Tons of gay porn sites, pics etc. It caught me completely off guard. I told flat out asked him what he was doing looking at porn. I explained he was too young and tons of risks of being able to come into contact with bad people who may pretend to be your friend but could harm you. I sat and talked to him for about 1hr. He would reply idk to almost everything I asked him. I became frustrated and ended the convo. I then did a complete search on all of his devices. Even his YouTube account and all had the same content. I ended up deciding that I would need to limit his Internet connections. To which I did. I disabled the WiFi on his phone and PS3 and kept the tablet because I couldn't figure out how to disable it on it.

    I spoke to him the following day and told him things would be different and what he had done was wrong. That he is way to young to be on those sites etc. He would only be allowed to use the Internet supervised.

    I let him keep the 3DS because I thought you couldn't browse on it. Well I was wrong. Today I opened up the 3DS and the browser was open and again a ton of gay sites open. I asked him why was he on these sites again and he said he didn't know. Then I asked him if he liked looking at 2 men having sex and again said idk.

    He told me the reason he looked up Bear and came across gay porn was because a kid at school called him a fat bear. So he Googled the word and up came across all of these sites. I understand a couple of sites. But there were hundreds of pics videos searches. I don't know what to make of all of this. Can someone really know if they are gay so young? Is this normal? Should I just let him watch it and turn a blind eye? I need help. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I want to be there for him but why doesn't he open up?

    Sincerely desperate Mom!
     
  2. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome. You're in the right place.

    First, this has got to be really disconcerting and difficult for you, and it also sounds like you're doing a great job handling a challenging situation.

    The fact that you can have open conversation with him about these difficult topics is a real credit to your parenting, and speaks well for his own sense of self-efficacy. That said... he is still 10, and so you're totally right to be concerned about his searching out porn.

    As far as whether he can know at 10 that he's attracted to guys, the answer is most definitely yes. Not all 10 year olds will know at that age, but many gay people will tell you that they've always known. The other piece is... knowing it and *accepting* it, even to yourself, can be entirely different things. Being gay still means, for most people, some worries of rejection, and in the current political climate, can have all sorts of other negative connotations. So he may be going through the process of coming to terms, and working through the stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.) You would likely be going through this yourself, as well.

    So if he's consistently, regularly looking at gay porn, which it sounds like he has been, it seems likely that this is what is attractive to him, and probably points to his being gay. Porn isn't a very reliable indicator, but if he never looks at straight porn, or doesn't find it interesting... then that does make it fairly likely he's at the gay end of the spectrum.

    It's also worth noting that, at age 10, boys can be at wildly different places in sexual and emotional development. Some kids at that age are fairly sophisticated, have a sex drive, masturbate, and otherwise are behaving as typical teens do. For others, that stuff comes much later. The problem is... it's pretty delicate to be talking with him about that sort of thing.

    Another possibility that can't be ruled out here: There is a certain amount of socialization and/or hard wiring (we don't know for sure) that makes boys naturally seek out a connection with men. If there isn't a father figure in his life, it's possible his desire for a male figure could be projected onto what he's seeing in the porn (hence the interest in bears, rather than in "twinks" who have hairless bodies and might look a little more like he does.) And the intertwining of sexual desire with the normal desire for a healthy father figure can really complicate things; this is at the root of probably most young men who seek out older men.

    So... this is a complex situation. I totally agree that 10 years old is way too young to be seeking out porn. However, if he's feeling sexual feelings, that's going to be there no matter what you do, so it may require continued conversation. If therapy is an option, it might be worthwhile for him to have a few sessions with a good therapist with a specialty in adolescents.

    Keep us in the loop about what's going on... it will likely be a bit of a challenge, but with the foundation of good communication you've built, hopefully you'll be able to help him to make wise decisions.
     
  3. YeahpIdk

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    I also wonder if it would be a good idea to make it clear that there's nothing wrong with being gay, but just making it clear that he shouldn't be looking at porn. Apologies if you're already actively doing this.

    This is definitely a tough situation. I think I'd also be a little horrified to see a little one so entrenched in that world. Though, I actually don't think it's too uncommon. I feel like I saw porn at a young age on television, and though I didn't seek it out on the computer when young (probably because It wasn't as obvious a choice), I definitely didn't turn away the opportunity to watch it when it showed up on the TV late at night, haha. I think I even recall an ex boyfriend who told me a fond memory of his first house because it was the place he got his first computer and could watch all the porn he wanted. And I'm pretty sure he was around your son's age.

    So though I feel like it's normal to be curious about sex at his age, especially when porn exists, I do think it's a good idea to find a way to shut it down - especially because online porn is an endless rabbit hole of crap that could lead to watching things that aren't good, and like you say, people. I've seen that some sites have chats and comment areas on them.

    I don't know the right way to handle something like this, but I wonder if it would be better for you to speak with a therapist privately before sending him if at all. Just because, I imagine he's totally embarrassed and feeling a lot of shame that you found his little hobby, so I'd be worried that it would be blown out of proportion in his mind if suddenly you sent him for therapy because you were freaked out that he's looking at porn and is possibly gay. They're such sensitive and private subjects, separately, but right now for him they've been discovered together. It has to be at least a little stressful and overwhelming for him too right now.

    I have a lot of young kids in my family, and my own memories and things I've heard, so with that, all I can say is: I'm not sure this is completely abnormal for his age, because I've definitely heard of young kids watching porn; even if they just caught a glimpse on the TV. You are totally valid to be worried because of his physical and mental health safety, but I wouldn't totally freak out. And I'd definitely child lock his internet on everything. It's needed in this tech era with kids. We have to remember that the Internet wasn't as fleshed out when we were his age (I'd say we're about the same age). Now it's endless and can get scary.

    Just remember, deep breaths. You're both going to be a-okay.

    I mean, what kid wouldn't watch porn if it were at their fingertips? Again, I'd just say why it's not good to look at and be on those sites while iterating that there's nothing wrong with masturbating (if that's what's even going on) and nothing wrong with two men being together/loving each other. But definitely get more info from someone who's qualified. I'm just trying to think of what I'd do in your shoes, lol.

    Be well!
     
  4. Creativemind

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    You are correct that 10 years old is way too young to be looking at any kind of porn. I didn't start searching that kind of thing out until I was 14.

    He definitely needs to be supervised. And I also suggest teaching him about sex ed sooner than later. Porn is very unrealistic, and he's young enough to be learning really bad things from it.

    You shouldn't be letting him watch it so young, so you're doing the right thing. Like I said, young minds are impressionable when it comes to porn. A lot of straight men who viewed it young become messed up and think degrading acts like facials are normal and that all women should look like pornstars. If he's gay, he might think that sex without a condom is normal (which is a huge risk for HIV when it comes to gay guys) or that sex with older men is normal (if he's watching that sort of thing).

    If he's gay, you should support the gay part of him, just not the porn watching part.
     
  5. Linkmaste

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    Like above, ten years old is too young in my opinion to watch porn. Now do kids get curious and find that stuff? Yes, but like you did-you talked to him about it and set boundaries. This is good

    Ten years old is normal to discover your sexuality. I was fourteen when it hit me but the hints dropped since I was six. So, keep it in mind and tell him you love him no matter what but still be a parent.

    By the way, I think it's amazing you had a child at sixteen and are doing such a wonderful job with him :slight_smile: It's really great to read these stories.
     
  6. AppleCake

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    I was exposed to porn at the age of 8. (My friend looked up "Naked Women" on her DS.)
    Also, some kids develop faster than others, and some, but not all, find out about their sexuality earlier than others. (I found out when I was 10 after crushing mad hard on a girl.)
    Hopefully this helps!
     
  7. Zoe Izumi

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    I would like to offer some info regarding something you said.

    If it turns out he brings up wanting to be a girl again, let him/her(they/them from here on for readability) know you will still love them. It took me years to figure out I was trans because I was scared into acting "male" in my time from kindergarten to high school, and even a bit into my first year of college.

    Don't go overboard and try to force them to transition if wanting to be a girl comes up again however, just listen to them and what they want.
     
  8. Stewie

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    There's not much I can add that hasn't already been said but I/we were watching porn somewhat regularly around that age 9-10 years old. My friends parents had old school satalite TV and because they were told "not" to watch it... we did all the time... had virtually no clue what everyone was doing, but it was just one of those things, we were told not too so we did.
     
  9. Mimikyu

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    Ok i see a lot of responses about how young he is... but I'm going to be a bit blunt.
    Getting caught watching porn is embarrassing no matter your sexuality. Now i dont know about anyone else, but I would be mortified if I was caught by my mother discovering not just porn but gay porn. I think if you do feel a need to talk to him about porn, dont mention the guy on guy part. Dont assume his sexuality at all, honestly. Though I do feel like he does need a way to figure himself out somehow.... he'll be going through a lot at that age and it'll only progress into his teens.
     
  10. FalconBlueSky00

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    Sounds like this is normal curiosity, but just as a precaution have the appropriate adult touching talk as well. Anytime a young child expresses interest in sexual activity it's a good precaution to have a talk about dangerous adults. His curiosity could lead him into a bad situation with an adult as well, you need to explain why he should be cautious. I know what I just wrote was scary, and I want to remind you it sounds like normal curiosity.
     
  11. pinkpanther

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    I was very much into boys at the age of 11, although I didn't have Internet nor I had a conscious understanding of what was happening with me. But I do remember being aroused by young guys and boys my age, by the age of 13 I was completely on the gay bandwagon.

    Since he's not talking to you about it, perhaps a professional with more knowledge of that could be of better help to you. I agree though that porn at the age of ten might not be best idea because it's all sugary fiction, and we all get easily addicted to sugar.
     
  12. europeanguy

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    10 and already looking at that stuff? jesus christ thats not something a kid that young should even know about

    i dont think you can know at that age for sure. but i definitely recall being interested in other guys (but at the time i didnt understand what i was feeling towards them, but i know now it was attraction) at at least 8-9 years old, so its possible theres some feeling there, even if he doesn't understand what it is
     
  13. anthracite

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    This is definitely not the way a child that age should use the internet. I don't know how exactly it works but there is the possibility of blocking out sites that are inappropriate for kids. I wouldn't take his internet completely because he has to learn responsible behavior with it somehow.

    And you should tell him that it's about porn in general not because it's gay porn.
     
  14. AlexJames

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    10 is really young to be looking at porn. And yes there is a chance that if he's gay, he might already know it. I think in the back of my head i knew for a long time i just refused to acknowledge it cause i grew up in a different era. If he were a teenager i would say that perahps looking at porn is his way of exploring his sexuality - cause being honest that was how i first explored it. But he's not. There is the possibility he stumbled upon porn and then got into it. My brother started puberty early so i'm sure he was into that sort of stuff earlier than most kids his age too. If your son is like this, then perhaps he's just growing up early too. Look into a product called Net Nanny. I don't know if they till make it, but when i was a kid my parents had it on my laptop. If they still make it, and it still works like it did when i was growing up, perhaps it can help you prevent your son from watching porn. Cause yes 10 is too young. Make sure he knows its cause its porn, not cause its gay porn. And make sure he knows you love him regardless of what his feelings are regarding the porn. He may or may not know himself. Its a process, figuring out your sexuality and becoming comfortable with it.
     
  15. TheOneCactus

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    I have absolutely NO idea at parenting so please take that in mind. I remember watching porn when I was 12 and it didnt really have an effect on me. If anything, if I jacked off the night before, I would actually wake up feeling better than say if I hadnt. If he knows about it then maybe occasionally let him watch it but if he watches it like someone does a TV series then I would take action. Also, I find going to therapists mostly a uncomfortable ordeal as it feels strange opening up to somebody about something that is out of the norm.
    That also may be the reason why he is saying idk, he may feel uncomfortable about opening up about something as being bi/gay. I personally have never had a bigger secret and I would feel akward if someone I know or see regularly knew about it
     
  16. Onenation

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    Well said
     
  17. WMM

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    Porn and masturbation are not the same thing at all.

    The two really shouldn't be discussed in the same conversation. I think almost all porn is utterly disgusting.

    I started masturbating at about 10 years old, and was doing it every day within a year and I'm sure that never hurt me. Masturbation is a healthy exercise. I didn't have to worry about the influence of porn back then, since it didn't exist in those days.

    I commend you on your parenting. Good wishes for you.
     
  18. beenthrdonetht

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    Kids say "I don't know" when they mean "I don't know how to put it into words" or "I don't feel like talking about it." I'm sure you recognize that.

    FWIW, I recall first being horny around 10 or 11, so he's not way out of the ballpark. Even though it's pretty arbitrary, you could say something like "Internet restrictions go away when you can drive." Not because driving has that much to do with porn, but it's a coming-of-age marker.
     
  19. TBD

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    Wow. I'm sorry. It's heartbreaking.

    I see others have posted some good advice.

    Young boys can be curious and sexual. My brothers were significantly older than me, and I was always curious about what big boys do. My awakening was earlier than most, but even though I had some attractions, it wasn't coupled with sex or and understanding of it

    He may just be curious about a man's body, but I am most concerned about another speaking their judgments into him. It might be worth exploring some script role play to equip him to refute things other say.

    I have to say I am also curious about where the other kid discovered such things and what is going on there.

    You may consider talking with him about sexuality in general so that he has a bigger sense of the spectrum, using book illustrations or some other kind of non porn visual aid.

    I used to monitor my network, so I knew when my son started to look at female breasts. It rang the bell for me not just to have The Talk, but talks, an ongiong dialogue. For me it expanded into other areas of parental concern, peer pressure, etc.
     
    #19 TBD, Mar 13, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 13, 2017
  20. Twisted777

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    A few points:

    I think is entirely possible that he is gay/questioning (even at his age), I remember watching a gay porn video when I was about 9/10.

    I've always been pretty good with computers and gadgets, which is why I was able to get past my Dad's parental lock and watch porn on the family laptop from age 12 onwards, and my Nintendo DS, and the Nintendo wii.

    The most important point is that you said you disabled the internet on his devices, this seems a little extreme - all of these devices should have parent options, to filter explicit results, and help keep your child safe online. Instead of completely cutting him off from the web, you could look through the settings for words such as 'parental controls' or 'safe search'. If you want to get really technical, you can access your internet router's settings, and block certain sites that you don't want him looking at.

    Don't actively encourage him to use adult sites, make it difficult for him to access them, and make sure he knows that there are bad people out there etc... Also, don't worry that this'll mess him up mentally, it's quite normal curiosity (just wait until puberty kicks in...good luck).

    All in all, you seemed to have handled this pretty well, keep up the good parenting.