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Consequences of not Coming Out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mariez, Jan 26, 2017.

  1. mariez

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Hey Guys,

    I am 33 and recently came out to my family and friends. Almost everyone was very supportive and the feeling has been amazing and yet scary. I now find myself taking the next steps: getting involved in the LGBT community, meeting new people, starting thearpy and coming to terms with myself.

    I can't help, but look into my past and get angry at myself for decisions I've made. Not addressing my sexuality in life has resulted in me not finding a solid career because nothing "felt right," moving more times than I care to admit and quite a large amount of debt. When I was 15 I wanted to be a writer and I even got a Bachelors degree in Journalism. When I was 19 my dad commited suicide and after that I started getting really far off my path. Since coming out the desire to write has returned and I feel like I am finally seeing my true self.

    Does anyone else perhaps have a similar experince? I am also an INFP, which basically means I overthink all the time and am constantly on a journey to understand myself. I feel like all these years through moving, new jobs and failed relationships with men I just have been trying to find myself!

    Thank you so much!
     
  2. Florestan

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm still mostly in the closet, and I'd say it's held me back. I've almost never been willing to talk to anyone I find attractive, because I know I'd have to talk about my gender sooner or later. The chances someone would be supportive, much less actually interested in dating a trans woman, are rather low.

    And then I also spend so much time wondering how many of my friendships would hold up after I came out: who would be okay with it, who would quietly walk away, who would lash out, who would "speak the truth in love."

    I hope, once I'm out publicly, I can start getting on with my life. I guess for any friendships I lose, I might make new ones. Whatever happens, the sooner I'm free, the better.
     
  3. mariez

    Regular Member

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    Thanks for your response! I can only say from my experience coming out was the hardest thing I've done but I am so glad I did it. Don't let doubt you hold back - there are plenty of people who will date a trans woman because you are a beautiful woman!! If you are living your authentic self I believe people are drawn to this. Everyone deserves love. For so long I've thought I am unlovable or that there is some physical mishap with me - I am just meant to be with a woman.

    I watched this video before coming out and it had me in tears: https://youtu.be/crHHycz7T_c

    Stay strong! If people don't love or accept you for who you are, they are not meant to be in your life. That's on them, not on you. I have lost contact with some of very religious family over this, but I have plenty of others who love me for who I am.
     
  4. angeluscrzy

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Maryland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    The biggest consequence I've felt (from being closeted so long) is that my emotions and ability to connect seem severely stunted. Like, my step-father just died Wednesday night, and while my mom and sister were broken up and crying, I've felt almost nothing. It was the same 4 years ago when my father died. I did have a couple times I cried over my dad tho. But I still don't feel I'm truly able to feel things the way I should.
    I'm rather untrusting with people and everything in my relations with people just seems incredibly superficial.
     
  5. Cass1D

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    St. Louis
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    INTJ here, so I'm also in the boat of thinking and analyzing my own thoughts to an extreme. It's difficult to be in the closet and have to struggle with coming to grips with your own orientation--doubly so when you're naturally introspective. I started having same-sex attractions when I was 16, and didn't even believe that I could be anything other than straight until going off to college.
    Even now, I'm still barely out of the closet, certainly not to coworkers and acquaintances. Echoing what florestan and angeluscrzy said, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells whenever the issue of people who are LGBT comes up because "what will happen if they find out?" Being in the closet for so long ingrains that fear to the point where you can feel like friends who love you to death and have spoken out in favor of LGBT rights might turn on you if you come out to them.
    Biggest thing, though, is that I keep coming back to it; the issue of coming out keeps popping up as a subplot in my life, and drains a lot of energy that could be spent on developing my career or meeting new people as an out individual. I'm glad that you've been able to come out to a supporting network, and wish you the best as you move forward in your life.