Should I come out to my wife?

Hi Used2bdc, and welcome to EC. That's a tough question and I'm not sure there's an easy answer. I was in the same situation about 10 years ago. For me I had to come out because I could no longer stand living a lie. Sex between me and my wife was never easy but once I excepted that I was gay it became impossible for me. So there was another reason that I had to come out LOL. You might consider what will happen once you tell her. Do you want to stay married? Do you think she will want to stay married? You might also consider talking to a counselor if you have access to one. Either way, please know that you are supported and cared for.

---------- Post added 26th Jan 2017 at 07:39 AM ----------

*accepted, not excepted. Darn iOS dictation!

 

I really like that "put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then you can help others" because as a metaphor it can be applied on so many different situations. It may seem illogical to some people but if you're not okay yourself you won't be able to help others, right? Many people put themselves last and try to be strong for their family or whatever but the question is can you really be there for them if you don't feel authentic? And what example does it set to your children? I know it's hard though because well truth tends not to be easy. (*hug*)

 

Hey Used2bdc, like other excellent posts once I acknowledged that my sexual orientation had changed it has become almost impossible to " fake it" with my gf. I am headed towards breaking it off with her as I feel absolutely zero attraction at this point. She is a lovely woman and I am torn because I don't want to hurt her. However for me now I have to make the change, the idea of intimacy with her at this point is moot as I am no longer physically capable of relations without aid. Not fair to her or me. I am tired of pretending, the next step for me is coming out and ridding myself of the burden of playing at being straight or bi. I am not any longer, I am a gay man and want to live as such.
Understand you dilemma but at some point you must consider yourself as you too have a life.

 

Used2bdc, only you can determine when the right time is to come out. For me, I came out to my wife last August after going through a very down period. She was the first person I explicitly told I was gay, although there are a few gay friends who pretty much knew. It was like dropping a bomb when I told her one night. But it also opened us up to more conversation about important things. She urged me to see a therapist, which I did. We discussed the idea of an open marriage, and she rejected that. But she suggested that we divorce and continue sharing our home as roommates, and to continue as business partners in our very small business. I told our kids, who are grown and on their own, and they're OK with dad being gay.

We filed for divorce at the end of November and it will be final at the end of February. That still feels pretty strange to me, and I'm not sure where life is going to take us going forward. But on most days coming out feels like the right thing to have done.

 

Are you 100% gay or maybe Bi? Surely, it will be of your wife's concern

 

Hey Used2bdc, with a wonderful wife and house full of teens and more I totally relate to your plight. For me I got to a point where I couldn't really be present for my family as I was so preoccupied and quite simply tired of hiding. Since I've really accepted and come out to myself and come out to my wife I'm much more present and patient with family. I'm becoming better by truly being my real self. The future is still unwritten and we are working through things but its now on an authentic path for a change.

I simply suggest reading past threads like mine and many others who have been through it; keep posting here and definitely keep talking in therapy; find a gay men's support group if you can.

 

Hi Used2bdc,

There are so many of us in very similar circumstances as you, and I am one of them. You have come to the right place seeking advice and help.

Here are a couple of links to my own coming out story if you care to read them:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/219546-coming-out-47-a.html

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/220689-my-coming-out-update.html

No one here can tell you whether or not you should come out to your wife. It's a decision only you can make. For me, I had become depressed and filled with anxiety, and coming out was the only thing I could do at that point.

I would like to suggest to you that this is a common fear, and it was my fear. I truly believed that if I came out I would be destroying my family. I had reached a point, however, where I had to come out no matter the consequences, even if it meant destroying my family in the process. I had hit rock bottom.

What I found, though, was that I was wrong all along. I didn't destroy anything.

I ended a marriage that no longer works. That's it.

I'm still my wife's best friend.
I'm still my kids' father.
I'm still my mother's loving son and brother to my siblings.
I'm still a great friend to my friends and co-workers.

None of that changed, despite all my fears that I would be destroying everything. Please remember during this process that your fears are not reality, and they are not rational. They are just your fears.

I can't promise you that you will have a great coming out. Some people don't. After reading thousands of posts on this site, however, I do believe that most of our fears do not come true. It won't be easy, but I can tell you from my own personal experience with coming out of the closet later-in-life, as a married gay man with children, I am so grateful and proud of myself for having done so. It was so worth it.

As TravelerMe said, keep posting and reading here, and allow this process to move forward in small steps as you gain confidence.

Take care. ride:

 

I can tell you that my wife was more than angry that I never shared with her that I was bisexual. I had know since I was a teenager and told her after 30-something years of marriage.

I think you can couch the reveal by explaining that you questioned yourself until just recently and decided yes, you were gay (unless you are bisexual).

Here's the thing... if you don't tell her it will show in your emotional and physical attitude towards her and she will immediately think it's her and not you.

Since you have gotten counseling, maybe you should be asking HOW and not IF you should come out to her.

---------- Post added 26th Jan 2017 at 03:08 PM ----------

You should also look into the Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work group in Yahoo.

 

I never came out to my ex-wife, but from reading posts here it seems that, as you have recognized, the big questions are what happens after you come out (if you decide to do that). So were I you I would think about the possible outcomes (divorce, stay together for the kids, her remarrying, etc.) and how you would deal with them. I would also think about what my own life would be like after I came out ... unicorns and rainbows are not guaranteed. Personally, if I were in a reasonably happy marriage to a woman where there was emotional support and financial stability and growing kids I would probably just act out my gay urges privately (e.g., with porn) without disclosing.

 

my advice is ultimately what do you want?

if you want to stay with her and keep having the relationship and sex and stay married, then really what is coming out going to do to help maintain that goal. it will only increase self doubt with you and your wife about the current state of your relationship. if you want to stay married, and NOT act on your homosexuality , then I would say stay in the closet. sure you may see hot guys that you are attracted to and wish you could have and be with but its the same thing if you were straight and seeing hot women you wish you could be with. if you want out of the marriage to pursue something else, then whether you were gay or straight the result would be the same.

if you are longing to live as a homosexual man and have relationships with other men and you think you will cheat on your wife ultimately or end up breaking it off down the line, then why wait? do it now so that both you and your wife are young enough to start over with someone else. sure you could wait until the kids get older but then you live a lie for another 5-10 years and then break the news to her when you have known this for a while. if i were her and you were going to end up ending it anyway, id want to know asap so i can move on while i am still young enough to deal with this.

you either have to stuff down the gayness and soldier on for the rest of your life or make a clean break now and come out.

personally though all signs are headed that you will indeed divorce your wife as you are here and also sought counseling. my guess is that you are just building up the courage to do it and building up the self esteem to feel good about your gayness. makes sense but dont wait ages to do what you know you will ultimately do anyway. personally that is the oart that i would see as selfish. its not selfish to want to live authentically. its selfish to drag it out when the ultimate result will be you cutting it off with your wife. definitely take the time you need but also realize there will be no perfect time ever and the sooner the better.

its like when you are going to get fired at work and they know you are going to get fired but instead of telling you on the phone before you physically come into work, they knew all week you were going to be fired, had you finish projects, laughed in your face, and then Friday at 4pm ask you to come into their office, fire you, and have security walk you out of the building embarrassed when they knew along they were going to fire you arse. my point is, dont be that type of employer!

 

You've gotten great advice from many posters. My suggestion from having recently came out to my husband of 14 years is to have an answer for every issue before coming out to your wife: Do you want a divorce? Where will you live? If you don't want a divorce, do you want an open marriage? If your wife doesn't want an open marriage, are you willing to be faithful? Will you tell your kids? A lot of questions need answers before coming out.

I didn't think about any of that really. I just came out and am now dealing with the aftermath of not having a plan beforehand. My husband wants to stay married, but right now doesn't want an open marriage. I don't know if I would want an open marriage either.

Coming out is very important and once you have accepted you are gay, I think it is inevitable. However, there is so much that that should be thought about before coming and having a response for or a plan of action.

 

Early40. & Bunnydee certainty hit some key point as you consider what your next step is.
Is it fair to pretend to your wife ? If you are indeed gay, should you not afford her the chance to be in a hetero relationship while she is young enough to start over. If you love her you must dwhat is right for her too! Do you want to be 10 years older or more and then start over as an openly gay man. As it seems you are heading towards acknowledging your homosexuality you certainly should have a plan for exactly what you want and how you plan to go about it. It will make the talk with your wife somewhat easier with at least some idea of a game plan.
In my case as she is only my girl friend I don't have same deeper concerns. While I care for her as a person I know I have no interest in any kind of relationship (she still might) so the only fair thing to do is to end it so she can find that someone who can fulfill the needs of a woman. It's seems once I acknowledged my homosexuality, the picture became clear as to what needed to done. Everyone deserves to find their way to happiness and fulfillment, you your wife, all of us.
I wish you nothing but success as you proceed towards finding happiness as a gay man. I am right behind you on that path.

 

it's really up to you if you want to come out to her or not, but just know that you owe her and yourself the truth. whatever happens happens. it would hurt at first but it would all depend on the relationship you built with your family. she isn't just your wife you know, she's also your friend. i hope the foundation you built with your family is strong enough to withstand something of this magnitude. whether you stay together or end the marriage, i hope everything will be in good terms for everyone.

 

The advice and thoughts you are getting here all are really spot on. I was recently and unfortunately caught by my wife from a text that I was sleeping with guys and of course she didn't know . Well that was beyond a shock to her, however , I admitted it , took 100% responsibility and never ever blamed her . I am in IC right now working thru it to understand it all as I can't say what my sexuality is . I have spent an enormous time thinking reading and taking about the infidelity and I feel while it is a betrayal beyond words and she is rightfully angry and then some ,it did stop
Me in my tracks as I knew I needed help as I was emotionally disconnected and honestly slipping into a lost lonely place . I can't say where we will finish she has been amazing to me and we have a pretty normal time together overall (no sex or touching or hugging or anything physical ), but we are planning trips and stuff along the way. I come out of this knowing I do want to remain married as I lover her and I am so upset this happened whereas I couple have addressed it earlier . So work in progress and I suggest you tell her before she catches you that is horrible and hard to defend . Get professional help too , my two cents