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I want to come out but I don't know if my parents are homophobic

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mattni, Jan 22, 2017.

  1. mattni

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    I don't really know where to start with this one. I really want to come out but I'm afraid about my parents mistreating me, etc. about the whole tihing. I don't know if they're homophobic or not and it's killing me, and the proof I have is killing me because it's giving me a mixed signal weather or not they're homophobic or not.

    Back in grade 8 I had a gay principal and gay math teacher. My Dad is friends with the principal and sometimes meets up with him without a problem, and my Mom really likes the math teacher I had. One time we had a conversation about what friends and teachers my mom thinks are gay (I have no idea why she even initiated this conversation), she didn't seem like she had a problem while talking about it, however I don't remember if she told me if it were "wrong" or not to be Gay. I even have a second cousin who's out as Lesbian and nobody seems to have a problem with that. However, I have other proof that goes against all that. One time we were watching Modern Family and I saw that gay couple. I ask mom mom, "Hey, are those two gay?" My mom was all like "No- well, uh, they're not gay they're partners!" Like I don't know if that's me but that seems fishy looking back at it. Like they're trying to censor something from me? I don't know. Sometimes they don't like what I'm wearing and they're like "That looks gay!" (they're going to regret that sooner or later).

    One time my mom got all mad at my aunt for telling me to "call her whenever I have to talk" (she's one of those aunts), and my mom ended up going on a rant about her and she told me that I can tell her anything and I can get support from her. She even said I can tell my Dad if I felt more comfortable. First of all, I find it a bit suspicious she told me this, as if she knows I'm gay, and second, I know my mom and she may take that back on that if she's . Just an observation. But this is the most important observation so far.

    There's a whole bunch of other stuff, too. I just don't want the post to be too long. So what do you all think? I'm just really confused.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2017 at 01:59 PM ----------

    Oh yea, and my mom was crushed when George Michael died. If that observation matters.
     
  2. AnAtypicalGuy

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    If you're that anxious to know what they think, try asking them about their opinions on gay people. If they want to know why you're asking, make something up (eg. you watched a film/heard a classmate talking about the subject and it got you thinking). Try to ask as calmly as possible; if you look too nervous then you might as well yell "I'm gay" into the rainbows because it'll be obvious to your parents your true reason behind asking.

    My mum also likes to censor the LGBT community from me. It's weird. I reckon she thinks it's unhealthy for young people to look into those things, and your mum may feel the same, especially since you're fourteen. I still haven't decided whether or not that's actual homophobia, but my mum didn't disown me or anything when I came out to her as non-straight so I don't really care. The LGBT community doesn't seem to bother your mum too much by the looks of it, but ask for your parents' opinions just to be safe.
     
  3. mattni

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    Sigh... if only it were that easy. If I were to ask that to my parents they'd see right through it, no matter what excuse I give them for asking. Yeah. They're one of those parents...

    I don't see how teaching kids about that stuff is unhealthy. I'm mature enough to know about it I feel. Hm...
     
  4. I'm gay

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    Based upon what you have said here, it sounds like your family already knows. Some are wanting to deny it, and keep you from anything that looks gay to them so as not to remind you, and some, like your aunt, want to tell you it's ok, like here:

    I don't know for certain because I only have what you've written, but it sounds like your mom already suspects and is probably in denial and bargaining, such as censoring you from things that are LGBT.

    An aunt who specifically tells you that you can tell her anything is inviting you to come out to her. I suggest that you do. I think you'll feel better.

    Of course, I only suggest coming out to your aunt if you feel comfortable doing so, and only if you're sure she will keep your secret until you are ready to come out further.

    Sometimes, just a baby step can help you move forward.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  5. mattni

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    That wasn't my aunt who said that. That was my mother who said I can get support from her. Typo, I think, sorry.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2017 at 07:15 AM ----------

    And my aunt isn't really the best person to come out to. She's just blah.
     
  6. MewDew

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    One thing that might work is to tell them that a friend of yours is gay and they need advice coming out, see what they tell you.
    Also, if your parents liked your principal and math teacher even though they were gay, I have a feeling that someone like you, who is much more important to them, would get a good reaction.
    Not that knowing this makes it any less scary, I was one of those lucky people who knew for a fact that their parents would accept them and it was still terrifying.
     
  7. AnAtypicalGuy

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    I agree with I'm Gay in that it seems like your family already suspects some things. So the fact that they haven't done much against you as of yet could be a good sign.

    I think I'm Gay meant to quote the bit where you said your aunt told you to "call her whenever [you] have to talk". I reckon it may be worth taking her up on that offer, if you would rather not speak to your parents first. She might even be able to help you approach your parents, if she's supportive.
     
  8. mattni

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    That wasn't my aunt. That was my Mom who said the thing about support.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2017 at 07:25 AM ----------

    Oh crap, disregard that. Ö

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2017 at 07:26 AM ----------

    I don't really want to speak to my aunt. Coming out to her is impowering her to have more control over my Mom. She's pretty weird and seems to want to have more control over me than my mom does.
     
  9. AnAtypicalGuy

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    I see. At this point it seems like there's no way for you to safely find out for sure about your parents' opinions, so I suppose you can either choose to keep to yourself about your sexuality, or you can take a chance and come out to your parents directly. Coming out is a leaps of faith for everybody, even if they think they know about their parents' opinions. Even those who seem to be homophobic may turn out to be supportive towards their child. If they aren't supportive immediately, then they can improve over time.
     
  10. mattni

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    Jeez. I'm going to have to have a lot if courage knowing my parents may know... this is pretty scary... :frowning2:
     
  11. AnAtypicalGuy

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    It's completely understandable to feel that way, the thought of coming out can be pretty darn terrifying at times. But I've found that reactions to coming out often turn out to be much less dramatic than you would imagine, if that helps at all.
     
  12. I'm gay

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    I'm sorry that I misinterpreted your post regarding who said you can talk to them about anything.

    I still think your family suspects that you are gay, and it sounds like your mom is trying to give you a safe way for you to tell her.
     
  13. mattni

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    It's fine. How is she trying to give a safe way to tell me?

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2017 at 01:31 PM ----------

    *Tell her
     
  14. I'm gay

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    Most kids, in my opinion, aren't specifically told by their parents that they can go to them for support and can tell them anything. Support for what? Unless there are other issues that you might need support for, this sounded to me like a hint.

    I could be wrong and your mom has no idea that you are gay, but little things like that sound like hints to me.
     
  15. mattni

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    That does sound like a hint to me too actually... hmmmm...
     
  16. Mrcake

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    I feel like your mom is giving you little hints to come out to someone in your family. I don't really understand the whole "that outfit looks gay" comments, that's rude. Take your time coming out and try and think of the best way when you do. I am 25 and still haven't came out to my parents yet. I'm hoping to pretty soon.
     
  17. mattni

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    I think I know exactly why she's hinting at me. I used to act effimate back in grade 6. I would always hang around girls and I was pretty sensitive and it was easy to get sad for me. Does she think I'm gay because of that? I don't act like that anymore... and I didn't even know I was gay in grade 6. Jesus christ she put the puzzle pieces together before i did. Maybe she is hinting...
     
  18. Quantumreality

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    It's possible, Matt. They say mom's tend to be pretty perceptive about things like that with their kids.

    I guess the bottom line for you at this point is: Do you feel comfortable Coming Out to your parents?
     
  19. mattni

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    Well if they're hinting at it, yes. But only my parents though. Not my brother or my extended family. It would feel weird.
     
  20. Quantumreality

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    Cool.

    When you plan how you're going to Come Out to them, I think you should also stress to them that you expect them to respect your privacy and not tell anyone else unless you tell them it's o.k. And that they also shouldn't try to pressure you to Come Out to anyone else - that you will do that if/when you are comfortable doing so.

    Just a thought.:slight_smile: