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Too much to handle

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by PGay, Jan 21, 2017.

  1. PGay

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    So I was on here for a while previously but it was such a long time that I got signed out and forgot my password and the email I used is no longer active so I had to sign up again.
    Long story short, I have been married for 25 years to a woman and told her 3 years ago that I was gay but we decided to stay married.

    Since then, life has been going downhill. I lost all interest in everything I used to enjoy, movie, tv etc. in the last year I gained about 50 pounds. I used to never drink now I drink heavily about 3 times per week. Last summer I nearly got addicted to pills but luckily was able to stop that. I feel like crap and am exhausted all the time but never get quality sleep.

    I can never pursue being gay mostly due to the kids and financial issues, besides no guy would want to be with an old, fat, ugly guy who was married and has 2 kids. I would never be able to be totally out due to work. Pretty much everyone there is homophobic saying comments like faggot and pickle smoocher.

    I have no real friends and my wife won't allow me to have gay friends or go to any activities where there will be gay people. April 24th will be 2 years since I went out with any friends without my family. All I do is go to work and come home.

    I would never commit suicide, but most days I wish I would not wake up in the morning.

    I went to a therapist for a while but it didn't really help plus with our insurance I would have to pay for it myself.

    I wish there was a way not to have these feelings, not because I don't want to be gay but it's draining having this on my mind all the time. Seeing attractive guys or gay couples are just a reminder of what will never be.

    Anyway, sorry for the long post, I just don't have any other outlet.
     
  2. baristajedi

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    Hi PGay,

    Welcome back to EC. I can see you're struggling a great deal, and I can imagine how you're feeling. My first question is, why do you need to stay married. I'm not minimising that decision, I know how complicated that decision is. But it seems like this is defining your quality of life so strongly, that it's worth revisiting that decision.

    It's not possible to completely deny your sexuality, and I feel quite unhappy when I'm in the position of having to deny mine. It permeates into so much of your life. Can you acknowledge your sexuality even just through forming connections with other stuff in the LGBT community? It makes such a huge difference.

    I wish you all the best, you're in a very difficult position. (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2017 at 01:42 AM ----------

    That was suppose to say with other people in the LGBT community, weird autocorrect

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2017 at 01:42 AM ----------

    *supposed
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    I was married for 19 years, I have two children from my prior marriage, I also had gained about 50lbs of weight prior to separating from my ex. Today, I am out and proud, divorced, happy, and will soon be married.

    The only limitation I read that may not be in your control is in regards to your financial situation. Everything else is resolvable. And even financially, while the specifics are unknown, you might have alternatives if you keep and open mind and fight for what you want - your life.

    You only ha e once chance to live life, it's up to you to make the most of it.
     
  4. justaguyinsf

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    I totally relate to what you are saying and your struggles.

    Some of what you've listed, such as gaining weight, is more easily dealt with than other things, such as deciding to leave your wife. I would suggest you try taking on the easier issues first, such as losing weight. You'll feel better physically and also about your ability to handle challenges if you can tackle that. I'm not sure if drinking is in the easy or difficult category, but I would also address that one as well. Then start to think strategically about the direction you would like your life to move in ... where you'd live, where you'd socialize, etc., if you divorced. Sounds like you also need to open lines of communication with your wife, perhaps through a marriage counselor. Forget about coming out at work ... doesn't matter at the moment. And don't romanticize what gay life is like ... it is a struggle for most gay men and healthy relationships are very hard to come by (I was at a part of gay men tonight and I don't think any of the married couples are faithful to each other). Work on bettering yourself step by step.
     
  5. baristajedi

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    Both Justaguyinsf and onthehigway make god points about focusing on all the things you can control, and everybody is different in their approach, but for me, it started from looking at the bigger picture. I need to be me, I need to be gay, be with a woman, or at the very least not live the rest of my life with a man. So that motivated me to decide on separation. And from there I've been able to tackle all the coping mechanisms one by one.

    I'm in the middle of a divorce now, working on eating better and losing weight, and I'm dating a lovely woman. I'm finally happy. I've got a long way to go but it all start sowyh acknowledging that my needs matter and going from there.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2017 at 03:16 AM ----------

    *started with
     
  6. PGay

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    You all bring up good points.

    We went to marriage counseling for awhile but it always ended up with everything being my fault, even though I know they are not.

    Every time I try to curtail eating and drinking, I always go right back to it.

    I worry that the kids will hate me if I left, and if I did it would put a financial strain on everybody.

    I used to go to a support group and a gay hiking group where I actually made real friends for the first time, but like I said she would give me crap for going so I stoppe.

    I guess I always put other people first. I rarely buy things for myself and make sure they have what they need first. Even at work I always end up doing other people's work if they are on vacation or behind but nobody ever helps me out in those situations
     
  7. baristajedi

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    Well now it's time to think of you! The people in your life are better served by you when you're taking care of your needs. If you go back to my first threads a year and a half ago, I came up with every reason I could think of that splitting with my soon to be ex would be detrimental to my daughter, and worrying over the hurt it would cause my (ex) husband.

    It's natural to feel the guilt and worry, but you have to care for yourself. It's detrimental to you and everyone in your life when you sacrifice your core needs for others.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    I was trying to add this bit as well, but got distracted by my daughter:

    I got to the point of realising my needs mattered when I started to understand that my sexuality is not a liability for others, it's simply part of who I am. And denying who I am can only make me a less present, less attentive parent. It was making me feel empty and lost. I was using food to cope and really wanting to use alcohol or another substance to cope. I was avoiding coming home, and when I was there I was losing myself in my phone because being present hurt. In the end it seemed to me that my family would be more healthy with me being myself, even if it meant breaking the family up.
     
  9. angeluscrzy

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    Breaking up the family is an incredibly scary thought, but sometimes it is truly what is best. Things between my ex and I had reached a point where the majority of conversations just ended in arguments, and we definitely did not provide the most calming environment for our kids. 18 months later, and I'm busting ass trying to make ends meet and care for my girls. I have significant debt, and plenty of my own baggage to carry into any future relationship. But in all honesty, even in times where the struggle feels insurmountably uphill, I could never go back into that relationship. To have a taste at truly being yourself, to no longer always sacrifice your wants and desires to "maintain the status quo", it makes all the hardships well worth it.
     
  10. justaguyinsf

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    I does sound like you usually put other people's needs first. So stop doing that. I really think that losing weight and keeping it off is a great way to start caring for yourself and developing a commitment to what is best for yourself.
     
  11. TravelerMe

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    I understand where you're coming from. Before I came out to my wife I decided I needed to start taking care of me and not just everyone else. I dropped 50 lbs. really focused on getting healthy. Coming out to her and accepting myself has made me a better more present father. I'm still struggling and not sure exactly where I'm headed but I have to be me.

    If you're unhappy and just getting by your kids are not seeing all of you and they are not getting your best. You're not really there.

    I made it clear as we figure things out that I will have gay friends and will go to events etc. Its a big thing that helps me get by. The situation we are in is not fair but its reality and your wife crapping on you for being your real self well that's really unfair and ultimately destructive.

    OTH hit it on the head; fight for your life; its the only one you've got. Just getting through and making it til tomorrow is not living.

    Hugs
     
  12. PGay

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    I do want to lose weight but find it hard to keep motivated in my current state of mind.

    I used to go to the gym quite a bit but stopped when my wife accused me of going there to meet guys, which I absolutely never did and would never cheat on her
     
  13. justaguyinsf

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    The solution is to keep at it until you reach your goal and to tell your wife that you're going to the gym solely to work out and that you will continue to do so because it is an important goal for you. Repeat these steps as often as necessary.
     
  14. Weston

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    I could just say, Grow a pair, but I know it's not as easy as that. You're in an abusive situation. Your wife is abusing you by controlling every aspect of your life, and like many abused spouses, you are conditioned to accept it, even blaming yourself for upsetting her. Counseling might help, but at some point, you're going to have to stand up for yourself, consequences be damned (and after all, how much more suffering can she inflict beyond what you're already feeling?) As someone else suggested, a good place to start is the gym: just tell her you're going and then go. No explanations necessary at this point. Get a membership and incorporate it into your weekly schedule.
     
  15. Di0

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    If by chance this hasn't crossed your mind; apparently places for exercise such as the outdoors or classrooms for martial arts as well as yoga offer a better opportunity to focus.