Hi, I am a 60-year-old gay man who is still very much in the closet. I am very straight acting so I don't believe that anyone is aware of my sexual preference. My problem is that my best friend is straight to the point where sometimes he displays homophobic tendencies. Whether that's just an act? I'm not sure. We started off as just friends a number of years ago, as we are both involved in the owning, care and training of a specific type of animals, and we spend most mornings, along with others, at a certain place where our type of hobby takes place. Three or fours years ago, our friendship turned into, what we mutually consider a "best friendship". We spend a lot of time together, he frequently comes to my apartment where I cook dinner and then we settle in for the evening watching TV, sports or movies. He is a great looking man and I have always had a crush on him and dream of having sex with him some day. Here in lies the problem. He keeps giving me signs that he is interested too, but, who will make the first move is the issue. Some of the signs are: when our "best friendship" began, he started saying, on a regular basis, that he loves me. Of course, I respond in turn. When we are alone, he always talks about sexual things, such as men's body parts, etc. He started hugging me and now we hug on a regular basis. When we leave each other for the day, he always insists on a "fist pump" or a hug. The [ast 2 Christmas eve's, we gave each other the usual hug and I gave him a kiss on the cheek to which his reaction was a simple smile. He calls me every night before going to bed and he is always there when I need him when I'm sick or no matter what and I do the same for him. He's always concerned about my health. For example, I have had to deal with serious lower back issues and have had unsuccessful surgery which left me with some nerve damage and severe arthritis. There are times when I am unable to join him in the usual morning work, however, when I can't make it, he always comes to my place with coffee, pulls up a chair beside my bed and we sit together talking and laughing or just watch TV and enjoy each others company. On these days, before he leaves, he always insists on rubbing my back with A5-35 lotion to help ease the pain. Recently, I, unfortunately, slipped on the ice and pulled my groin which left me laid up for a few days. On a couple of occasions when he started to apply the lotion to my back, he asked me if I wanted him to put some in my groin as well. Of course, I made a joke about what might happen if he touched me down there. We take week long trips together a couple of times each year and, on a few occasions, we've had to share the same bed as other rooms were not available. Last summer, while on one of these trips, we found ourselves with some other "straight" friends and they ending up spending the night in our hotel room. Of course, my buddy and I ended up sharing one of the double beds. We were lying back to back and he kept his back pressed to mine through much of the night. To make a long story short, I want to take our relationship to the next level, but, am I reading too much into these signs he has given me?? I would NEVER want to destroy what we have together now but is has become extremely frustrating and I love him so much. Is there anyone out there who could provide at least some type of professional advice on what to do?? I'm afraid that if I come out to him, he will walk away from me forever, but, with these signs.........???s Any help with this situation will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
It would be good to describe those homophobic tendencies further. Sometimes, homophobic displays are a response to self-denial. Your situation is beyond any suggestion I could possibly give you, but, for those who can offer you advice, having a better description of those tendencies will surely help.
Wow, it sounds like you really do have a best friend! The only thing I worry about is if you are wanting to have sex with him and he just sees you as this amazing buddy at this stage in life, he may feel betrayed to be sharing a bed with you or be so close not knowing how you really feel about him. Worse, he doesn't know who you really are. But it seems you feel the same way because of his "hot/cold" treatment and possible homophobia. I would research internalized homophobia as it is not just propaganda but actually proven that men with those tendencies are also the most likely to have homosexual desires. Sometimes I get mad at some of the aggressive things LGBT people do and can come across as "homophobic" or have to play along, as ashamed as I am to admit, around certain people who hate gays so I am not outed. It could all be an act on his part to see how you feel and your silence or non-negative reaction makes him think you agree. You could also, like me, sometimes perceive things to be a lot worse than they are meant to be because you are sensitive to that part of your life and hate to think someone you care about could be attacking it when they really don't mean to. Even if he is straight, when he realizes you aren't this stereotypical caricature of a gay man he imagines, he may actually stay a good friend and be careful of what he says! Yes, you could lose him as a friend, but think of it this way: he could lose you too if he chooses to throw this friendship away. So, I know I am young and a girl, but from an objective point of view, I know what it is like to love someone and not be sure if they feel the same or are just a friend. I don't want to tell you "just come out" because I know how scary it is, especially if you are wrong and it could cost you this amazing friendship. Here is my advice: he may be trying to feel you out too and both of you tip toeing around without making a move is not getting you anywhere. You may not want to be direct about your sexuality, so why not wait for an opportune time to have a discussion about it. You spend so much time together, it is bound to come up. For example, when he says something homophobic, ask him why he said it, how he feels about gays, what he was raised to believe about them. If he says something suggestive like he did about your injury, ask him if he's ever been with a man or thought about it. Has he ever been married? If so, why didn't it work? Does he ever look at other women or make comments about being sexual with them? By asking questions, you will be able to gauge how he feels without outing yourself. Only you will know when the time is right and what to say, but hopefully these suggestions get you thinking. I hope the best for you. Please keep us posted!
It sounds like you have a very, very close friendship with this man, which I'm sure is a big positive influence in your life. If nothing else, I'm very happy for you that you have someone around like that, and that you can be there for them in turn! As far as the signals that he may or may not be sending, I won't lie - some of them seem pretty advanced, even just for friends. Putting lotion on your back and groin, sharing beds frequently, etc., aren't things that many straight men I know, at least, would typically be doing. That said, of course, I have occasionally shared a bed with straight male friends, who knew I was gay, for whatever reason (such as in hotels on a trip for work). The trouble with "signals," as I'm sure you realize, is that it's very difficult to know how to interpret them when you know that both people don't have all the information. Overall, though, you seem to talk about this as if you know it won't work out on any level - that a relationship won't happen, and that he won't even accept you if you come out to him. Granted the homophobia may give you pause, and understandably so. But again, if he's offering to put lotion on your groin, part of me has to wonder how deep his homophobia really goes. It might be helpful to hear more about what sort of "homophobic tendencies" he's showing. Perhaps it would be helpful to start by thinking of this as a question of "how will I come out to this person" and not "how do I start a relationship with this person." Obviously you'll have to come out to him at some point if you want a relationship to happen (and as strange as it may sound, it may actually deepen your friendship), so whichever way things go, that's probably going to be a first step. Also, welcome to the site! Hope you enjoy it here.
Thanks for your response Gleeko0. I guess the only description that I can give you, are comments that he has made in conversations where other "straight" guys are talking about one thing or another concerning gay people. Things like the usual garbage: "If any gay guy (or one of those other words that are used to describe us) tried anything with me, I'd pound the shit out of him....." or words to that effect and other similar statements. Of course, as I stated, it's always when other "straight" people are around. He used to say things like that to me until I corrected him one time and told him that I have and have had gay people as friends (which I most certainly do and had) and that I didn't appreciate the way that he spoke. After that, he never said anything more about it when we're together. That was at the beginning of our relationship and, possibly it gave him the idea that I might be open to more than just a friendship. Since that time, more and more he has given me indications through things he says and does, that he as well, would like something more. I guess that all I can do at this point is to see what happens. However, at some point, I'm going to have to make the first move. Life is too short to screw around forever. ---------- Post added 29th Jan 2017 at 10:34 AM ---------- Hi everyone, I want to thank you for your responses and recommendations. As I explained to "Gleeko0" in my reply to his post, I feel that it's just going to be a matter of time before something positive happens. It seems that as every day passes, my friend is giving me more and more signals in the things he says and does. Although he is just like every other "straight" guy and talks about having sex with women and making comments about great looking women in movies and TV shows that we watch together (as do I in order to stay closeted", at the same time he comments about the guys around this women on what they want to do with their "big' (parts), etc. Indicating what the size of their genitalia might be, which to me shows an interest in the guys as much as the women. Please correct me if I'm wrong. He basically lets me touch him wherever I want, but of course I've haven't touched his crotch area yet However, I usually walk with a cane due to a botched back surgery in 2012, and, the other day when we were alone at the place where a bunch of us friends gather each morning, he and I were sitting at a 45-degree angle to each other with our knees touching. He was sitting back in his chair with his legs wide open. We were talking silly about something or other and I was placing the cane between his legs and he was tempting me to see how close I could come to his crotch. Of course, the edge of the chair was in the way so I couldn't push the cane very close. He then started moving closer to the edge until the cane actually came slightly in contact. He just sat there smiling at which point I took the cane and poked his crotch a couple of times. Again, the only reaction was a smile and slight laugh. Once again, my stupidity stepped in and I stopped what I was doing, rather than taking the opportunity to make the move that he was so obviously giving me. I guess that I have to learn to be quicker on my feet with responses to such invitations. This, along with other things that he says and does, leaving me openings which I can't believe I keep missing, leads me to believe that it's going to take me to make the first move. Thanks very much again for your understanding and advice. Every comment and/or idea is greatly appreciated.
Welcome to EC! This sounds all too familiar and I can imagine the frustration. I'm sorry the situation is so unclear. In my case it was guys who were recently married or otherwise in relationships with women so I figured they were straight and just teasing/joking around with me to see if I would come out, although there are lots of guys who are gay/bi yet still insist on being with women for whatever reason. If you ask him if there's something more than close, touchy-feely friends he could deny it and then avoid you, perhaps coming back around but keeping some distance. Maybe he'd come back after some contemplation and admit he does have deeper feelings. Who knows. Was he married? Does he want to date women? The way you described it, it sounds so nice and I can see why you wouldn't want to damage your friendship. What if the only option was if it could only be what it is now, would that be ok? Would you consider looking for an out guy to date? I wish you all the best!
Hi, there freddy, I think that people will be more aware of your sexuality than you think.I think its fairly obvious when you get to know people, you dont have to be a screaming, camp queen for people to realize. Obviously your close friends will wonder why your not with a woman or been married etc. Regarding your friend, I'd just tell him your gay and say what about you? or something along those lines? Life really is too short to be messing about. I'd say that hes into you from what you say, whether he will own it or not in the cold light of day is another matter. If hes not gay/interested in you then I think hes leading you on to be honest.Good luck with wahtever you decide to do.X
Thanks for this Poppy43. The thing is, I was married before, although it was long before I met this man. We ended up becoming friends in quite an odd way and, when I look back now, he took to me quite quickly. At the time (Jan. 2010), I had just moved to the downtown area of our small city and, on the way to work each morning, I would stop at the nearby coffee shop. I had also decided to take early retirement, due to severe back pain and was waiting for surgery. However, my retirement didn't begin until the end of April. At this particular coffee shop, there was always a group of guys sitting and talking around a group of tables near the entrance. I usually had to stand in line and the guy sitting closest to me would always talk to me. When I retired, I continued going to the coffee shop and would sit alone across from the group. One day, the guy that always chatted with me, invited me to join the group. He and I started a conversation and soon discovered that we had the same interest (harness racing) and he worked at the racetrack nearby. We became good friends and I started to become partners with others on some horses. Shortly after our friendship began, I finally received the required surgery but had to travel to another larger city close by to have that surgery. He drove me to that hospital and, after 6 days, he picked me up and took me home. He was always there to help during my recovery period. Later on, I was diagnosed with low-grade Lymphoma and started receiving a form of radiation treatments every six weeks for awhile and he helped me through them each time. Our friendship continued to grow, but, after a while, I came to the conclusion (I won't get into details) that this "friend" was simply using me for money and I ended the relationship. However, during the final six months or so, he had introduced me to my current involvement, and as I previously stated, this new guy took over from where the former "friend" left off and helped me through these difficult times. Over the years, of course, he and I have had our differences and scwables, but he always we've always worked things out and he has told me, on several occasions, that he never wants to lose me, and I certainly feel the same way about him. I guess that this is probably getting pretty boring so I'll stop now with any more details. However, this is just another reason that I feel that possibly he wants more from our relationship as much as I do. Again, I think it's just going to take a bit more time until one of us will drop our inhibitions and make some kind of move that will erase any doubt. I'm hoping that will be sooner rather than later. Maybe on our next trip where we, once again, will share a bed. If it takes us going on that trip to realize things, I will certainly make some kind of move to let him know how I feel about things. I hope then he will accept it, continue on with our relationship and that he doesn't reject me.
It seems like you have a great friend either way. I'm assuming he is single now, but was he also married? Is he around the same age as you? That could also be a hint. He's said that he'd never want to lose you, so why not tell him how you feel and see where it goes? Even if he does not return the same feelings, I'm sure you will not lose him as a friend. It's best to act soon instead of waiting until you can't take it anymore, because that will result in a more emotional conversation, which may not be constructive.
Thanks for your response AlmostBlue. Yes, he has been single for a number of years now and yes he was married and has 3 older sons. He is four years older than me but we've never even thought about the age difference. I guess that's probably because of such a small difference. Everyone here has provided such great advice. Unfortunately, I'm the type of person who holds everything in, instead of just opening up and discussing issues as they arise. For some reason, I always fear the worst and that is very hard on my emotions and self-confidence. I've come so close to telling him, different times, but I always seem to chicken out or, somehow he senses that I want to say something to him but I'm struggling. When this happens, he usually ends up changing the subject so that I'm more at ease. I swear that he can read me like a book. I'm sure that he must suspect something from the way I am with different things. Such as, I cook dinner for him very frequently and he spends a lot of evenings with me. I try to make him special desserts and I look after his special food allergy needs more than he does himself. I keep an extremely neat living environment (everything in its place), I do small sewing chores for him and, although people perceive me as being very "butch", he realizes that I'm a very touchy, feely kind of guy and THAT never seems to bother him. I've never tried touching his crotch but have come close and have touched him just about everywhere else (naked and clothed). I think that I did mention that he has shown me himself naked on many occasions. I especially note things that he does when we're out of town on a trip, staying in a hotel room. For example, one morning while on a trip last fall, he had just finished showering and was standing in the tub drying off. He called to me and I went towards the bathroom. The door was opened just enough that I could see him in the mirror as he continued to dry off. Out of the blue, he asked me if the people in my apartment building did anything for Halloween. It seemed to me to be such a strange question at that particular time. He carried on with the conversation and just keep standing there toweling himself off. I KNOW that he was waiting for me to open the door and step in, but, once again, not being sure, I stupidly walked away. Of course, I've been kicking myself ever since. Was I just hoping for too much or, was he actually coming on to me??
I'm sure this is difficult, and I think many of us, regardless of our age, can relate to your experience. However, I think everyone is giving you really good solid advice, and I think you know deep down that the best way to handle this situation is to be upfront about it. I know it's hard to just change your behavioral and thought patterns, but how has the previous habits worked out for your love life the past 60 years? Wouldn't you want to give yourself the chance for something great? Being able to communicate your thoughts constructively and achieving something proactively will give you a lot of confidence and self respect that will help you throughout your life beyond this one particular case. Analyzing all these different moments and waiting for something to happen will just mess with your mind. As much as I'd like to believe that what you've written about your friendship with him is unbiased and that he definitely has a thing for you, I cannot say that for sure because I know from experience that when we're placed in this kind of situation, our mind makes things up and we over analyze everything and interpret things in our favor, even the pessimists. So we can't give you the confirmation you're looking for, but you have the power to find out, and I can say that this is definitely worth finding out, that's for sure.
