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How do you say goodbye to the person who never quite chose you?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Jan 18, 2017.

  1. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    And also, how do you heal that part of you that accepts less-than treatment and allow it to die-off, never to be seen again?

    I need a potential female partner who will choose me in all of my glory and all of my flaws. No longer can I run after an idealized version of a woman who would stop long enough for me to capture her in eyesight, but never allowed me to catch her. How do you let her run and not put the burden on yourself as to why she ran in the first place?

    I recently found that a former female love interest of mine chose a 17 years her senior, married (for show and convenience), in the closet woman over me. How do I not allow that to define me? For the rejection to not be so much that she didn't want me, but she wanted her?

    She didn't choose me. Someone who would have cared for her, been open about our relationship, and do my best to be as loving as possible. Instead, she chose (and lied to me about) a (17 years) older woman who could not have a full relationship with her because she is still married, albeit, for appearances and monetary purposes.

    How do I let her go without being angry? Without it changing me to a person I don't wanna be? And yet, not make her decision about me?

    When I met this woman over dinner, she admitted to me that she knew she was emotionally unavailable because she was choosing between me (who was married at the time) and this other woman (who is still technically married and seems to be staying that way, although the husband doesn't live with her in the home- from what I understand). I'm now single, this other woman remains to be married, and she has chosen her over me...

    How do I heal that version of me that would allow that to transpire in the first place?

    Self-esteem would be a good place to start. Any good books anyone have to recommend? I need to choose the woman who will never leave me...me...
     
  2. bunnydee

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    I don't know if this will help or not.. it has helped me a lot through the years.

    Look up "Love Addicts" and "Love Avoidants"
    This particular article I re-read often theory-of-love-addiction-and-love-avoidance

    As for the woman you talk about, it sounds like she isn't fully ready to be out in public or out of the closet. Choosing someone who is still in the closet allows her to be in the closet.
     
  3. Sawyer

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    This is hard, and as someone who gets rejected a lot, I can sympathize with what you are going through. And the only way I've gotten over the hurt of rejection is by time.

    I don't know the context of how you two met for dinner--was it platonic? Or was it a date? Because if it was on a date, only to find out she was emotionally unavailable, which to me sounds like rejection flat out, than you were lead on and no amount of self-esteem books can fix that because that has nothing to do with you.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    The problem is that when your self esteem is low your default is to blame yourself. It must have been me, why wasn't I enough, what could I have done to make her want me? When in reality you should be breathing a sigh of relief. Why doesn't she want you? Who knows but that's her problem. I'm not saying you don't have flaws we all do but that doesn't mean it's your fault. It hurts because you obviously liked her but that doesnt mean there is something wrong with you.

    As a previous poster put maybe she doesn't want to be out out or maybe she is scared of commitment and do to her being with someone who is married feels better. Anyone who declares themselves emotionally unavailable on a date (which I'm assuming you were on) is in my opinion not someone I want to be with anyway.

    I know it's easy to say but not easy to do but just get back out there meet someone better and forget her.
     
  5. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Thanks for the responses guys.

    Yes it was a date. She and I had stopped talking a couple of months prior and she remarked that during that time when we were talking (previously), she should have known that she was emotionally unavailable because she was pursuing two married women (not at the some time, on that occasion).

    ---------- Post added 19th Jan 2017 at 07:54 AM ----------

    Yes, rejection sucks. I do a lot of comparing. What does this oldermarried woman have that I don't. And all that jazz.

    Must work on self-esteem.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    She had a marriage and baggage haha
     
  7. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    lol!!!
     
  8. PurpleDude

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    "How do you say goodbye to the person who never quite chose you?"

    it's not something I put myself through anymore, but I've had quite a few relationships that caused me to ask myself the same thing.

    I've never been a person that's gotten over break-ups easily. in most cases I was the one being dumped, and usually spent too much time afterwards trying to figure out what I did wrong/could/should have done differently, that would have made them stay instead of realizing if they weren't willing to work out whatever our issues were, it wasn't anything that needed to be prolonged anyway.

    I want the most impossible thing I could possibly ask of another person, that they love me just as much as I love them. I deserve no less than that and finally feel like I shouldn't have to compromise when that's how committed I would be to them.
     
  9. PianoKeys

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    This question: How do I let her go without being angry? Without it changing me to a person I don't wanna be? And yet, not make her decision about me?

    So painfully recognizable :frowning2: how
     
    #9 PianoKeys, Mar 21, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2017
  10. WMM

    WMM
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    She has a marriage. You noted you also were married when you were dating her. When you became single she lost interest in you.

    You don't see a pattern?

    I suspect your friend only wants to be the other woman.

    Be well.
     
  11. Zen fix

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    Her going after the other woman over you doesn't reflect on you. Another thought is that she likes the thrill and drama infidelity comes with. If you obsess and pine over her that is a huge gift you are giving her while delaying your next opportunity to meet someone better for you.

    You wouldn't let her live in your house right now while she pursues another relationship right? So don't let her live in your head rent free either.