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Can homosexuality *really* not be changed?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by ellyy, Jan 18, 2017.

  1. ellyy

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    A while back I thought I had realized that I was a lesbian after almost 2 years of questioning. For a little bit, I was fine with acknowledging it to myself and even ended up coming out to all of my friends who were very accepting.

    However, during that time I was also having ideas that I must be a lesbian because of my bad relationship with my father or some other psychological trauma(s). Basically, I thought that there was something wrong with me which had caused me to believe that I liked girls and that there wasn't any biological factor to it. I ended up even more ashamed by having such thoughts since it felt like it was somehow my fault and that I could change it instead of it being something outside of my control (which it would have been had I been born with it).

    This led me back into the closet and with a changed mindset that I was straight. For months I thought I had put all of the "confusion" behind me for good and had "gone back to normal" but just recently it ended up coming back. All it took was for me to think "am I a lesbian?" and I was back in my previous spot.

    So now, here I am, yet again thinking that I'm a lesbian but also yet again thinking that it might be a product of psychological issues. Logically, it doesn't make much sense because why would I then so badly wish to be straight and time after time seek out validation from guys to a very unhealthy extent to stop feeling so ashamed? If I embrace being a lesbian, it would include me not engaging in that validation-seeking, and if I don't, I'm scared that I won't ever be validated by guys which would reinforce my shame (personally, as a female in this society, I feel like part of my worth is based on approval from men).

    Shame itself can be so detrimental that it can lead to suicide, and I just wonder, how could traumas want to make me go in a direction that amplifies it? That is such a contradiction and it doesn't make sense because of what great lengths humans go to in order to avoid shame. Had I gone through a terrible trauma, I'm thinking that my mind would have wanted to create a defense-mechanism against it and making me a lesbian would only make matters worse... It's strange for my mind to willingly create shame, is what I'm saying, especially since I in turn automatically end up pushing it away.

    I'm still trying to think of ways to argue both for and against all of this, but either way I can't help but feel like I'm (possibly) a lesbian because there is something wrong with me; like something must have gone wrong in the process of my psychological development.

    Any advice on how to get over this or just general input?
     
  2. dyl pickle

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    Sexuality is not something that can be changed - it's something you're born with. It can change on its own, but that's not very common. However, it will only feel worse if you continue to repress it. I know that it's easy to just say this, but you really don't need approval from anyone - which is something that took me a long time to learn.

    Be patient with yourself and go in the path that will make you happy. However, once again, sexuality cannot be changed. It will, in the end, be more detrimental to you if you continue to repress it and continue to convince yourself that there is something wrong with you because trust me, there isn't.

    Also, if you really do think that you're not a lesbian, why would you be so worried? I think that you really are, from what I can tell, a lesbian - and that is 1000% normal. If you ever feel shame in that to the point where it is leading you to suicide or self harm, remember there are always places such as this that you can come to, or hotlines you can talk to.

    I really hope you are able to figure everything out and be content with the outcome that you find - be patient with yourself.

    <3
     
  3. Creativemind

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    Sexuality can't willingly be changed. It can be fluid for some, but It's a slow process to realize that. And nobody really changes from 100% gay to 100% straight, but rather somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.

    I believe being raped or abused by men can put some women off of men for a while, but most of these victims are still heterosexual in the end. So psychological issues alone do not create sexuality.

    As for why would you be a lesbian but still long to be straight? That's simple. It's called compulsory heterosexuality, where all gay people feel forced to be straight. This is harder for lesbians since most lesbian homophobia is based on not liking men rather than liking women. ALL lesbians go through guilt and shame at least once.
     
  4. Andrew99

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    Yes it can't.
     
  5. I'm gay

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    Though there are some exceptions, most straight people don't question their sexuality. Society works to reinforce to people that straight is the norm, and so straight people have no real need or desire to question that. Gay people do.

    And no, it can't be changed by you or anyone else.
     
  6. Loppox

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    Hey Elly,

    I just wanted to let you know that the same is happening to me, although you may already know that. Just an update that it is still pretty much the same.

    I am still trying to excuse my liking for girl by saying that it must have been because some sort of trauma related to men. While I actually never really have had a traumatic experience with men that I know of, my brain is still coming that conclusion.

    Every time I see a man that is good-looking, but I am not attracted to it, my mind says that I am not attracted to them because of the dynamic wherin a guy leads but, then it goes on to say that I need to stop whining about the dynamic/gender roles and I mentally beat myself again and again. It comes down to the fact that my brain still thinks it is a choice which is influenced by cultural and social spheres.

    Same boat.

    I think it eventually comes down to accepting the fact that you are gay (In this moment), no matter what has lead you to it. I like the colour grey, but I have no idea why. Of course society doesn't push me to explain my liking for burgers and there are no stigma's/stereotypes around the fact of liking the colour grey. I'd love to have a society where I don't need to explain or validate my sexuality. but whatever, it's the way it is.

    anyway take care :slight_smile:

    - Loppox
     
  7. ellyy

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    This message is so sweet, it really warmed my heart. Thank you. You're definitely right that I don't need anyone else's approval and I think that deep down that's where the problem lies.

    Do you think that psychological traumas can influence one's sexual orientation to an extent? To be fair, I don't even know if I have major ones when it comes to my parents but I still worry that I do.
    Oh, yeah, I am well-versed in compulsory heterosexuality. It's something I experience very often.

    I'm sorry you feel the same way since it's such an awful place to be in :frowning2: And yep, everything you said I relate to so well. I hope we'll both be able to let go of this and feel better about ourselves.
     
  8. Creativemind

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    Only to a small extent it might influence it. If you were heterosexual before you were raped or abused, you will continue to be heterosexual after rape and abuse. The only difference is that heterosexual rape victims start to hate or distrust men as a whole until they get therapy.

    Women who were bisexual before abuse continue to be bisexual after abuse but may repress their hetero tendencies and choose to only date women. So that's more of a physical choice.

    But abuse itself doesn't change sexuality, it just changes how we act around the opposite sex.
     
  9. ellyy

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    Oh yeah, that's what I was asking essentially; if traumas determine your sexual orientation as opposed to just confusing your perception of what it might be.

    Why don't you think that abuse can determine a person's sexuality? I'm not saying that I disagree, I'm just curious.
     
  10. Miri

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    I've thought about this exact same thing quite a bit. The truth is, I don't think my sexuality has anything to do with my father and our bad relationship; it's possible that he's made me more willing to accept my sexuality, but I remember feeling like this back when everything was fine. Even if it's true that he and other environmental factors had a role in my sexuality, though, that's quite different from being able to change my sexuality now that it's formed. I think that it isn't possible to change - I tried changing it, and failed - regardless of what caused it. Of course, it's different for different people; women in particular are known to experience fluid sexualities, so it's probably possible to experience a changing sexuality throughout one's life. I have liked girls as long as I can remember having liked anyone, though, so I don't think it will change for me.
     
  11. Creativemind

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    Simply because there's no biological proof that it does. I am very well versed in psychology, study it a lot, and have experience with dealing with abuse and rape survivors. There was no actual proof that their real orientation changed other than them being confused about it for a while. After therapy, they usually revert back to what they were before.

    I say this because almost everyone I know who was abused/raped by men were all heterosexual women. The worst of the victims I knew was heterosexual. At the same time though, she greatly distrusted men and didn't want anything to do with them at all. It took a lot of therapy for her to get over her hate and distrust for men, but it never caused her to become sexually attracted to women since her biology wasn't wired that way.

    I have another personal experience. I am a lesbian and my sister is straight. However, we both had bad experiences at home with a father who was an alcoholic and became emotionally abusive to all of us (nothing physical though). This didn't turn my sister into a lesbian, even though she hated men for a long time. I feel that it did influence her type though. She now likes skinny, weak, passive men that she can "control" due to feeling like she had no control at home. I'm a lesbian but I don't feel like the alcoholism turned me gay. I felt gay even before my Dad turned into this mess. He also got help and we repaired our relationship. I trust him, and yet I'm still gay. Nothing changed.

    I'm also not naive because this emotional abuse is not a problem with men. I could easily date a woman who drinks constantly, emotionally abused me, and even beats me up daily. Women are not exempt from abusing their partners, and in fact, I have been emotionally abused by MORE women than men, but am still gay. The only thing the emotional abuse at home changed for me is that I will never date someone who drinks.
     
  12. photoguy93

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    Sexuality cannot be changed, period.

    It's normal to question, even after you've come out. I came out when I was 15. I am now 24. I have never dated or really had any meaningful connection with a man. Do I sit around and wonder what it would be like if I was straight? Definitely. Do I sometimes think "Maybe it was because I could never get a girl..."

    It's simply my mind trying to make me anxious. I know that I am gay. You know who you are...it's just sometimes challenging telling yourself that. ha!
     
  13. Guff

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    It can't be changed. It absolutely just cannot be altered. I tried changing myself very hardly for almost 5 years. It did absolutely nothing but make me miserable.
    Some things about people are nurture and somethings are nature. Sexuality is nature. And don't let anyone trick you into believing otherwise.