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Changing personality

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Dentalfloss, Jan 18, 2017.

  1. Dentalfloss

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    So my daughter is being a different kid than she was a few weeks ago. She started acting different since she became a couple with the other girl. I noticed her acting different before she even knew we were aware of her being gay.

    She still acts different since we have found out for sure about her. By different I mean she's not the happy girl she was before. She used to spend time with us and now she sits in her room a lot. She cries A LOT more than I've ever seen. There is something going on with her but she won't tell us. She claims that either nothing is wrong or that she doesn't know why she's crying.

    She is really pushing her limits too. We caught her on her phone super late in a school night for the second time. After the first time we told her if we catch her on it again then we will take it away. Then we caught her on it at midnight again and she tried lying about it so we won't let her have her phone in her room at night now and she had a melt down worse than I've ever seen. I'm talking about the kind that an out of control toddler has.

    She started complaining about people and teachers that she's never had a problem with before but she claims they haven't done anything to her but that she doesn't like the way they act and how they seem "stuck up".

    She seems to negative suddenly. Prior to this she would complain on occasion but now it's exploded.

    I try to talk to her but it's not getting me anywhere and she won't talk to her dad either.
     
  2. Creativemind

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    You might need to push her to see a therapist or something if this persists. I honestly think something might be wrong that you just aren't aware of yet. It's very unusual behavior.
     
  3. Lynz

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    Hi Dentalfloss,

    I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter is going through this. That your family is going through this.

    I can't be 100% sure, but it sounds to me like she is grieving. When I first realised my sexuality, I went through a long stage of being sad, angry, terrified, argumentative, irritable, spent most of my time demanding to be alone, and treating anyone that came near me like crap. I didn't like being different. I didn't like me. But I didn't realise this. I couldn't pinpoint why everything was going on in my mind, or what is was. I was numb, then emotional, then numb again. Does this like what's happening?

    My advice. Try to stay calm. Try to stay positive. Keep trying, no matter what she does. Keep encouraging. Keep discliping. Try explaining grief to her and that how she is feeling is normal and is OK. And that no matter what, she can speak to you, whether verbally or by writing it down (it's easier to get the thoughts and feelings we are "not sure" about out by writing it down). Keep giving her boundaries and routines. Keep showing her love.

    She will reach acceptance eventually and you will have your girl back.

    If it seems too intense and too emotional for grief, she may have stepped over in depression (common for teen LGBT). I would also recommend speaking to a doctor. If she refuses to go, maybe go to your own doctor yourself / call and ask for advice. They can and will help. Lots.

    Has she fully came out to you? Do you think she might find a forum like this helpful?

    If she finds some peace soon. Keep talking.

    Hugsssss

    ---------- Post added 18th Jan 2017 at 06:30 PM ----------

    Sorry about my spelling. That says I hope she finds some peace soon. Stupid phone keyboard! Lol.
     
  4. Dentalfloss

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    Yes. She came out to be and claims she's bisexual. But I'm wondering if she is truly gay instead of bisexual. The reason I say this is because she is man hating right now. And everytime I ask her questions her answers change. One time I asked her if she liked men or women better and she said she liked women better and the next time I asked her she claimed she liked men and women equally. Her answers are never consistent. Anytime I ask her about her sexuality her answers change.

    ---------- Post added 18th Jan 2017 at 12:18 PM ----------

    Yes. She came out to me and claims she's bisexual. But I'm wondering if she is truly gay instead of bisexual. The reason I say this is because she is man hating right now. And everytime I ask her questions her answers change. One time I asked her if she liked men or women better and she said she liked women better and the next time I asked her she claimed she liked men and women equally. Her answers are never consistent. Anytime I ask her about her sexuality her answers change.
     
  5. Creativemind

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    That doesn't mean she's not bisexual. Bisexuals are usually not consistent with their attractions. Most bi people prefer women one week, prefer men the next week, and like them both the same on week three. This is where the saying that sexuality is fluid comes from. I've dated four bi women, and most of them sort of changed their preferences around from time to time. And hating men has nothing do with being a lesbian. Statistically, most man haters are heterosexual women simply because they deal with the most male drama. She might be dealing with male drama. Who knows. Or she could be gay, but that's for her to decide and not for others to assume.
     
  6. Dentalfloss

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    I didnt mean to insinuate she wasn't bi. I just mean that she can't seem to give me straight answers in anything. I feel like she is lying or at the least, just saying what ever she wants to shut me up.

    ---------- Post added 18th Jan 2017 at 12:33 PM ----------

    All I do know is she's not her typical self and I don't know why.
     
  7. Creativemind

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    Hmmm...it could just be because she doesn't want to talk about the issue. I feel like sexuality is very hard and embarrassing for young teenagers, and we generally don't like talking to our parents about things of a sexual nature.
     
  8. Lynz

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    Hi Dentalfloss,

    It's completely the norm for most LGBT to not know for definite their exact sexuality straight away. It's a confusing, frustrating time of thinking, deciding, picking your label, then not being 100% sure due to meeting someone attractive that's the other sex than what you thought. Then back into confused, thinking, getting angry about it, settling again, picking a label again. Gay? Bi? Asexual? Kinda Gay? Very Bi? No definitely completely gay. Oh wait there's Johnny Depp. Oh no, Jennifer Aniston. Just Jennifer Aniston. And Angelina Jolie. Oh wait, Brad Pitt. I remember it well!

    Let her mill it all over, let her go through the motions, the circles and the settling.

    One thing to tell her from us - sexuality and attraction is a spectrum. Few people are 100% one or the other, most are on the spectrum. And all of it is ok, great, awesome, normal. The labels don't really matter in the end. They did in my teens, they dont know. What matters is accepting herself.

    Keep talking it through :slight_smile:
     
  9. Hats

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    Yes. Yes, it is. By the time I started to question my orientation properly I’d already dated a guy, I just couldn’t admit it even during the dating. I was like, “No, this is a bromance. No, I’m not camp enough to not be straight. But I like girls! Everyone I’ve ever fancied has been a girl. No wait, what about him? But I couldn’t bring myself to kiss him. But I might like him in a more than friends way. But that feels different to all my crushes on girls. No, I’m definitely straight. No wait…ARGH!”

    I’d also add that grieving the fact you’re not what you thought you were can be surprisingly intense. My grieving was slightly different from your daughter in that I was grieving not being cisgender as well as not being straight, but I got to this point where I was okay telling people I was pansexual and genderfluid (in fact it was gratifying to know that I finally had an explanation for myself) but if other people worked it out on their own then that wasn’t okay at all. I didn’t like people pointing out that the signs were everywhere, lit up in neon and bordered with chaser lights, because I was still having a massive battle with denial and dealing with internalised homophobia and transphobia.

    On top of this I didn’t know what being fluid and pan meant for me in practical terms (did I have to give up my relationship with my partner whom I believed I genuinely loved? Did I have to date people of all genders? Did I have to present as female all the time instead of male? Why couldn’t I just be cis and straight?!) so at the moment when I was hurting the most, I was also equally unable to ask for help because I didn’t know what I needed. The result was that I felt very, very lost and upset. If this is what is happening to your daughter, then it may explain her difficulty in talking to you.
     
  10. Connorcode

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    ^^^This should be framed and put on a wall, it's so true and really relevant to your daughter's situation.

    I've recently been diagnosed with depression and have been discovering my sexuality further, all prompted by socialising and dating more, in general exploring more intimate relationships. These revelations and realisations have been stressful, and I'm guilty of doing pretty much what your daughter has been doing.

    I'd talk to her, try to understand what might be happening, and if it is something you need to go to a doctor/therapist or whatever for, do that. But it could be her emotionally going both ways: maybe she's more confident in asserting her opinions about teachers now; maybe she's more comfortable crying now.

    She's definitely facing feelings she's unfamiliar with.
     
  11. tgboymom

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    It sounds to me like there is a severe case of adolescence going on in amidst the other things.

    The bottom line is that YOU are the parent and SHE is the child. Sometimes those lines get blurred because we really want our children to communicate with us. They can get blurred, but they can't ever be crossed. It might be time for therapy not just for her, but maybe some family therapy thrown in there. I think it will give her a "safe place" to open up to you more. She needs an outside party to tell her that it's imperative to let you know what's going on because you are on HER side. Out of all the people in this whole world, you are the one who has true, unconditional love for her.

    Are you looking for therapy?

    Lori
     
  12. Cinis

    Cinis Guest

    This. It's probably best not to ask her too much, or at all, about her sexuality, for most teenagers it's just plain unpleasant, some even feel ashamed or guilty when talking about it.


    Generally I'd say that some of the symptoms could simply be puberty.

    Like others I'd suggest that you send her to therapy, though it's probably for the best if she goes there without you. Sometimes it is much easier to talk with a stranger about your problems than with the people we love.
     
  13. WarmEmbrace

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    Hello Dentalfloss.

    Sometimes LGBT people feel unaccepted and it can take a heavy toll.
    Every since you found out, have you assured and re-assured her of your love and acceptance, and made sure the message got to her? Also, have you really meant what you said, or did you just say to her that you understand and accept and love her just as much as before no matter what, just because you knew was the correct thing to say? Could there be a chance where subconsciously you or your husband actually resent her potentially being gay or bisexual? Children can pick up on that.

    tgboymum summed it best : " Out of all the people in this whole world, you are the one who has true, unconditional love for her."

    Maybe for some reason she feels you are not truly accepting, and by exploring this side of her she feels she might losing her parent's acceptance and appreciation, and that can be very scary.

    Therapy can help. For everyone involved :slight_smile:.

    (*hug*) Stay strong. It is not an easy ride, at least at first (&&&).

    ---------- Post added 20th Jan 2017 at 03:40 PM ----------

    What Hats said is also very much true. Grieving upon the realisation of the fact that you are not who you thought you were is intense. There's this cis-gendered person that you might have been but will never actually be, so there's a sense of loss, a sense of wasted potential, but there's really no point lying to yourself about it... and a sense of fear when you realise that your life is going to be, in more than one way, more difficult.

    That coupled with the sense of potential loss if the family is not truly accepting, can be very hard to take.
     
  14. Dentalfloss

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    Therapy isn't out of the question. She claims she doesn't want it but what kid wants to talk to a doctor.

    ---------- Post added 20th Jan 2017 at 07:21 AM ----------

    Yes. We have repeated that we love her no matter what. She still seems to think we should forget rules for her because she is only 12 after all and I should let her girlfriend stay the night because they were friends first. I said I don't care if you were friends first you are more now and the same rules apply to her as they would a boy. Then I asked if she'd think we would let a boy stay the night with her and she said yes and that we should trust her. Yeah right. No ones partner is staying with us until they are of legal age and she knows damn well we wouldn't let a boy spend the night. She's just tying stuff to get us the give in. Just like she thought that lying to us about her alarm clock not working so she could get her phone back at night so she could "use it as an alarm" would work. I said your alarm works fine. I heard it go off this morning. I also said if it didn't work that I'd go buy her a new alarm and she said " I don't want you to spend money if you don't have too so why don't you just give me my phone back" I said NO! And if you keep trying this crap you won't get it during the day either.
     
  15. tgboymom

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  16. Rainbowkitten27

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    Dentalfloss,

    When I read your post, my heart broke for both you and your daughter because I can relate so much. First off, you are a wonderful parent! My mom and I were best friends, but over the last few months that has changed. Finding out I was gay was a process and a very painful one with a lot of hostility and tears over the years, mainly because of the cruelty from society and within my own family and church. Here is what I wished I would have known/have learned and it may help you:

    1) Sexuality is a process. It is confusing, especially at your daughter's age, and feels very shameful. Yes, she could lie to you--I did to my mom and made her just as confused. She may want to be bi because it does not feel as definitive as being gay, like she could still have a "normal" life or she doesn't want to disappoint you. Just when she accepts she might be gay, she may hear a nasty comment that makes her reconsider it all over. Sexuality can be complicated; it takes time to work through and accept it.

    2) She may not know who to trust. Therapy is scary and may feel like she has to be "fixed" because she is broken or she is going to be brainwashed. She is fragile right now. Instead of therapy, maybe show her stories of gay people who have come out. For me, being a Christian, Vicky Beeching was my role model. Show her she isn't alone and maybe have her join this forum. Meeting other people who understand this situation is great for both the child and the parent as parents go through a process too!

    3) I agree with the people here who talked about the grieving process. I would think Christians who went to church with their families and nodded and cheered as the pastor condemned gays were self-righteous and could not understand my pain. I started to hate anyone--gay and straight and even my own family. Her anger and rebellion are probably a problem within herself manifesting toward you. The crying... I still do! I get anxious and depressed all the time from reading horrible comments about gay people and feeling like my mom hates this part of me. I am ashamed when people find out about me. I know this is part of the process, but it still hurts like hell. BUT, the more I meet people online who understand me, the better it gets. Honesty is healing, and if she is bottling her feelings up, the least little things can make her "explode" because of all the pain/pressure she feels.

    My advice: Keep being great parents and loving her. Find some books you can read to help you understand her and maybe some for her. If you are Christian, Kevin Garcia's blog and the Gay Christian Network helped me. If you are not, there are plenty of resources with the Trevor Project. Maybe instead of therapy, have her talk to someone from there or another LGBT hotline. My doctor was amazing, but if you aren't sure if you can trust yours, look for one who treats LGBT patients or go to him/her first and ask some questions to make sure they are "safe" for your daughter to talk to. Family therapy may put her more at ease than being by herself and could greatly benefit you as well. I am sorry for what you are going through as parents; it has to be a lot to take in, especially seeing your child in pain. Thank you for being there for her and just continue to. This is a great forum so keep in touch for whenever you need help.