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Wife's trying to accept my bisexuality

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Confusedfetish, Jan 17, 2017.

  1. Confusedfetish

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    I've posted before about this subject. I've been married to a wonderful women for over twenty years. I've known for over twenty years that I'm bisexual. My wife has known this also for over twenty years. I've over the years been able to somewhat satisfy my homosexual desires/cravings with porn, mostly. Before I married I'd had multiple sexual encounters with men/guys. When I decided to marry my wife I thought that saying goodby to having sex with guys would be as easy as saying goodby to sex with other women. Lately, for the past year or so I've been extremely aware of my growing urge to have sex with a man again. I'm obsessed with the urge. The past year or so has been extremely difficult for my wife and I. I've been telling her about how confused I am. I told her that my feelings for men are very strong. She's having a difficult time accepting that my attraction to men is real. She says she accepts me as bi and still wants to be with me but then she pushes my confusion and urges under the carpet, refusing to engage in a real conversation about my repressed homosexuality. She thinks that buying a strap-on dildo should do the trick. At one time it did just fine but now I know what and like. I want to be with a man. Kissing, hugging and loving. She won't have it. I've told her I'm not so much into anal stimulation. I've told her I prefer to top. She says I'm just wanting what I don't have. I know that is partly true but on the other hand I feel more and more comfortable with the idea that being gay is really my true sexual identity.
     
  2. purplewolf6

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    As I tell any guy in this situation, it comes to making a compromise, being satisfied with just your wife, or leaving for another man. Things like this take time but luckily you're not caught in a love triangle. At this point don't rush into anything and just be honest with your wife through your process. Be faithful to your wife and weigh the pros and cons of your relationship with her.

    Hope you can figure it out and cheers!
     
  3. Creativemind

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    It honestly sounds like you just aren't going to stay together for much longer. You either have a choice to stay monogamous and repress your feelings for men, or divorce your wife and be with men freely. Unfortunately, having it both ways is not an ethical option for your wife to be mixed into, so you have to make a choice.
     
  4. Chip

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    From what you're describing, it does sound like you are closer to the gay end of the spectrum than the bi end... and, unfortunately, your experience isn't uncommon.

    Your wife likely sees the handwriting on the wall, and is trying, desperately, to keep the marriage together. (Understandably so.)

    So I agree with Creativemind. You're probably coming to the end of the line as far as this marriage goes. One thing that I absolutely would not recommend is cheating on her or doing anything outside of the marriage without her full knowledge and consent. If you value her and the 20 years of friendship and marriage, you owe her the authenticity and commitment to be honest with her, and handle this in the best way you can.

    This is one of the hardest things to have to deal with, and sometimes there's no way for it to end on a happy note. The best suggestion I can give is to simply be honest with her, and tell her that you've thought about it and it's not an option for you to simply go without. Just be cautious if she agrees to an "open marriage" because if she does... most likely she's not really OK with it and is simply doing it to try and keep some part of things intact. If she's doing it against her wishes, it's going to end up falling apart anyway. Doing your best to treat her with respect, and still address your needs will be key.
     
  5. Mj5963

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    Hi there just read the post thread and take it from a married guy of 29 years that cheating ends up very badly. My wife confronted me five weeks ago as she saw a text five mo this ago but never approached me until recently that I had been cheating with guys . I completely admitted it , took 100% responsibility and never ever ever blamed her . She has been actually amazing to me , I told her that I had been lost emotionally and physically for years and was not sure who or what I am . I immediately stopped any communication with the guys and went to therapy for first time in my life . Therapy has helped a lot plus a ton of reading , I do suggest a book by Dr Joe Kort called Is my husband gay, straight or bisexual . It actually helped me start to open my mind to my own sexuality and as I work through therapy I am finally beginning to understand. I don't know where we will end up but we are really doing great and doing lots of things we normally do and having fun . So she has been great and wants me to get healthy mentally and when I can fully and confidently reconcile my sexuality we can work on what that means for our future together or apart . My three kids 21+ in age have no clue. And at this point they don't. Red to know anything. . Hope this helps because for me reading these posts helps too
     
  6. Confusedfetish

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    Thanks for all the replies. I'm struggling here.....bad! The more we(my wife and I) discuss my attraction to men. The gayer I feel. I love her. Sooo much! But I almost feel angry at her for some reason. She's been amazing to me and all I can think about is having sex with men. The more she accepts me as bisexual the more I feel the need to push myself to admitting to her I think I may becoming sexually attracted to men only. The worse part is I'm not sure that if I was having sex with men only that I wouldn't have the need or desire to get back with her. I've been quiet and into my head and thoughts. She knows I'm struggling with this. It hurts us both to be on a different page. We love each other! But I'm gay
     
  7. Mj5963

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    Well you read my quick story , I cheated on my wife it was horrible and the guilt is brutal. It was a severe violation of trust and may take years to regain , she has been amazing to me since while she could have thrown me out of house and divorced me. We are doing. Therapy together plus I have a IC I see who specializes in sexuality and knowing there are sort of three components : sexual behavior , sexual orientation and sexual identity . I suggest professional help and. Now
     
  8. WMM

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    Hello

    I am some old straight guy. Got married to a fun girl, different, in 1973. She had sexual problems along the way. Counseling, psychologists, psychiatrists. In 1992 she recovered repressed memories, and one day blossomed. She told me she was bisexual and she needed to make love to a woman.

    We are wild children I suppose. It never dawned on me to deny her the opportunity. At first I thought it might just be a phase, anyway. I actually arranged an opportunity for Mary. It turned out Mary is deep on the lesbian side of bisexual. But she is bisexual.

    Our marriage was rocked. Mary had multiple girlfriends over several years. Several were my girlfriends as well, wild times. Then Mary fell hard for one, it didn't work, she fell to pieces.

    After we got her well again I did decide Mary is a lesbian and I should be out of the picture. Mary has always insisted she is bisexual. She did convince me she is right. I moved back in and cancelled the divorce proceedings. She reminds me about it now and then at the oddest times.

    Currently she does have girlfriends but she is much more careful with her heart. She says just knowing she can have what she needs if she can ever find it has kept her as happy as can be these last 20 years. And once I accepted her on her terms, I've been very happy.

    It's pretty crazy, but it works for us.

    We wish you well
     
  9. Zen fix

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    Confused, how are you? I've been following this thread. I share some similar thoughts, desires and fears. Married to a great woman who has really struggled ever since I came out as bisexual a couple of years ago.
     
  10. Mj5963

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    Yesterday was almost a breakthrough day with my wife . As we go through dealing with my infidelity and the fact it was only with guys , I was able to look my wife in the eyes yesterday and with confidence tell her that I know without any pause that I am NOT GAY. Yes of course I had sex with guys for past six years behind her back and for that I have gone through severe guilt and deep honest remorse. I told her I never ever saw myself emotionally connected with guys and it was my drug of choice to escape issues . Needless to say I flat out said I am not looking for a label other ha. I am not straight. I chose to work hard to reconcile and have commuted to her and monogamy, that is the happy place for me . One makes a choice in life , and I equate this to something many men do, "they check out a hot girl and even kid each other how they love to have sex with her, but they just don't because they'd Re committed to their respective wives". This is absolutely no differ t , I check out guys think they are hot but I now chose to stay committed to
    My wife .
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    Mj, I think it's great that you have gained comfort understanding your sexually; and it is certainly reasonable to not to try and put a label on it. And if you can truly "make a choice in life" that rededicates and commits yourself to your wife, then that's fantastic as well.

    As I continue to read your posts, however, they strike me as a cry out from the guilt you still feel from the infidelity. And I am wondering, is the guilt you feel driving you towards this decision to recommit yourself to a monogomous relationship? And if it is, is this a choice you can genuinely live with?

    If I were to call a spade a spade, you have shown to yourself a willingness to seek out guys to escape your issues. Life is full of issues. When issues arise, we all look for escapes. What will your next escape be when such issues arise?

    More so, now that you have defined your sexuality and accept that your somewhere on the spectrum, will you be able to compartmentalise the part of you that is physically attracted to guys? It sounds easy enough to say "I check out guys think they are hot but I now chose to stay committed to my wife"; but I hope your questioning if this is easier said than done.

    Hope your giving this continued thought.
     
    #11 OnTheHighway, Mar 18, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2017
  12. Mj5963

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    So sure guilt is real and the gravity of it is indisputable , but I am so past the low point of that . We are healing together for first time now . I of course will continue to be open and honest and will always give continued thought . Happiness is what I seek and for first time
    In many years feel happy because the woman I married and loved is also coming back to "us" and damn it feels amazing and I am giddy ready to see next phase of our lives together
     
  13. Unrhapped

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    Hi there Confused, I'm new to this site and have been reading through the thread. It makes you realise just how complicated we all are as human beings. I just wanted to wish you all the best and hope that somehow you and your wife find a wonderful conduit of communication, you can feel the love you have for her as you write. Keep us posted on how you are getting on, lots of people can identify with your situation and are rooting for you both