Coming out to a straight spouse

Lost4

I understand what you are going through. I have been married for many years and only now am flirting with the idea of "being able to be myself." Getting married will not fix your attraction to other guys. If you stay with your girl it WILL be more painful for you in the future. Anytime your want to talk there are many people here to listen!
Take Care
Dean

 

A lot of us here have gone through what you are - married realized we are gay and having to tell the spouse.

I agree with everything Chip said above. Once you get to the point of true acceptance of yourself, most of us find it harder to keep quiet and stay in denial - we just feel the urge to come out. Sometimes not in the best way...lol as in my case.

To my own surprise when I came out to my husband, spouses go through their own phases once they have been told. Mine was angry at first, then accepting, then angry, and now in the bargaining stage.

 

I understand that you are still trying to figure yourself out. And reading and posting here on EC can help you to do just that. I implore you, however, to not marry your fiancé. Coming out is SO much harder after getting married. I know, having come out to my wife, children, and family just a few months ago. I wouldn't wish that journey on anyone.

Chip is correct when he tells you that there really is no good way to do this, but I think you are realizing now that it must be done. Just remember through the process that it all takes time. But you will come out of it with a big weight off your shoulders and a new authentic you.

I wish you good luck on your journey. ride:

 

Lost4,

I just want to second what the others have said. Please, PLEASE, do not marry this woman or continue living a lie. She deserves better, but So. Do. You.

For me, I *wish* I had the self-awareness you have now when I was not yet married. I could have saved a great woman a hell of a lot of pain not to mention had all these lost years back for myself. Don't turn into a sad middle-aged man satisfying himself with online porn instead of a real live man.

Rob

 

Hey Lost4,

How are things going?

Came by this thread after reading one of your comments in my thread. We have a similar situation (including the fluctuating desire for men), and I too am trying to figure out if I'm bi or gay. I'm actually leaning towards the latter, but need to be reasonably sure somehow, because my marriage will end if I say I'm gay. I guess I'm really scared of finding out that I'm actually bi after I come out as gay to my wife and end our marriage. I could never forgive myself for that.

Like you, I love my partner more than anything else in the world and can't bear to lie to her or cause her harm. She knows I have same-sex attraction, and is trying to be patient with me as I figure this out. I can see the anxiety she's in and I feel awful for keeping her in this state of unknowing.

Have you spoken to your partner yet? Have you had any further conformation of your orientation? When you feel less attracted to the idea of sex with men, is there something else in your life that you are preoccupying yourself with so as not to think on this?

Hope you're well.

 

Lost4

I am a married man in mid 50's with three kids 21-26 and recently wife discovered I had been sleeping with guys and trust me the infidelity part is horrible and the guilt is beyond my ability to explain here . I had those feelings too and o can only give you my advice from personal experience , seek some professional guidance and help, we all have our views but we are not you and you and your fiancé are who you are . I would suggest a gay affirming type therapist they are not there to convert you but to get you and your soul to be honest . I wish I told her years ago because what I did is terrible and we now live with it but we are working together to not rush to divorce because we ha e a long history of great things and are seeing if we can reconcile , my secret is no more and turning to buttoning it doesn't last I am living proof , you sound like a wonderful guy who cares and loved your fiancé so my advice respect that and true love means being honest

 

Hi Lost4. I don't have a lot to add. Previous posters seem to have pretty well covered the bases. I would say that these feelings almost certainly aren't going to go away. You are lucky that you've figured out as much as you have. But, you can't keep this from her forever. When you do come out as bi/gay/questioning she will ask you how long you have known. Better that that answer isn't Years.

 

Take a look at the Klein sexuality grid it really can help with some understand I g

The Klein Grid

 

Congratulations that is a huge step seeing a professional or has helped me so much and I have learned a lot about
Sexual behavior
Sexual identity
Sexual orientation
Sexual fantasies

And they are not necessarily connected in a linear way

 

Hi Lost4, I just read your story. We are very much in a similar stage.

As others have said, it would be better to come to terms with your sexuality sooner rather than later, and I would highly recommend not going through with the marriage unless you are 100% sure that it is what you want.

From my own experience, I hoped that I could hide behind my marriage, and that it would somehow take away the "gay feelings". But it doesn't, it just makes you feel more ashamed.

Have you seen a therapist yet? If so, how did it go?

 

Hey Lost,

It's good to talk, and I feel that our fundamentalist upbringing and later-in-life questioning is something we have in common.

I understand what you mean about orientation confusion -- I'm really unsure of myself too, cycling between the 'am I bi/gay?' question. Like you, I think that if I am bi then I can make my relationship work. My wife has expressed interest in us staying married even if I decide that I'm gay, which shows how much she loves me. But I fear that this will not be the best course of action for either of us, if I decide I am gay.

I'm due to see a sex therapist with my wife tomorrow, so I hope that will be a start to us figuring out who I am and what we both want. It's hard when you know the person you're with really loves you, and I'm sure you'd agree that if you could cut these same-sex desires out of you, you would, right?

I tend not to looks at porn to try and gauge my orientation, but instead pay attention to the thoughts and fantasies that pop into my head throughout the day. These are pretty much all gay thoughts and fantasies, even if I actively try to think about straight thoughts, they often end up being same-sex thoughts. Have you experienced this?

Hope all is well, and do feel free to send me a PM if you'd like .

 

Lost4,

Even tho I am female, I can relate to your struggle. I married my husband at 22 and we have been together 5 years. I recently realized I had repressed my feelings and attractions towards women to be with him. I had begun to want to explore bisexuality before we started dating and had told him I thought I should be able to have a boyfriend and a girlfriend if I wanted, and if those people would be comfortable with me in that way. He asked if it could just be us and my brain filed that, not as monogamy but heterosexuality. I have denied my attractions for years now. I do remember saying the bf/gf thing to him, but he also says I told him I was bisexual. I have no memory of this but I don't see why I wouldn't have said that. But repression is a funny thing...

If you have doubts that your attractions will not be able to be dealt with, or that your partner will not be interested in finding a way to make this work if you just desperately need to be with a man too, then I recommend not getting married yet. Marraige is forever, while people are static in a lot of ways, people do change over time too. It is important to be in a partnership that helps you be your most authentic self, however that comes about. This is a lesson I am also trying to learn.

I understand what you mean by saying you see the reason you fell in love in the first place when you look at your partner. It is so difficult and painful to feel that and feel the same sex attractions. People want to feel like they are 'enough' and desiring others because of your sexuality, at least for me, feels shameful because you know your partner is a good person and deserves to be enough for whoever they partner with. And yet... I believe that if we are enough for ourselves, that is when we show up as our best selves for a relationship and can make it work because we are able to give to others without conditions for ourselves.

 

The problem I see with the "Klein Grid", is that it assumes that everyone is either "Straight", "Bi", or "Gay/Lesbian". It ignores those amongst us that are Poly, or Pan, as well as those that are Trans, or Asexual....... Yup, it looks Like we've skewed the results of another test, again... :bang:

 

It went ok. The three of us just spoke together about how the next few session would take place. I'm meeting with the therapist alone in a couple of weeks to discuss my sexual history, which may help me understand my present orientation.

I do wonder if I am defaulting to thinking I'm gay out of fear -- it's the worst possible scenario I can imagine, and it's like I'm fascinated by it and obsess over it. I am sexually drawn to my wife, and I do find sex with her pleasurable, so I guess that I can't be 100% gay. Sometimes when having sex with her, same-sex thoughts do pop into my mind though. Do you find this? I wonder if I can find some other focusses in my life (other than working and obsessing over my sexual orientation), that a clearer picture of who I am and what I want may appear.