internalized transphobia? I'm struggling bad

Huge “thank you” in advance to whoever reads this and replies, I will try to keep it short.

Twice in my life, once when I was 18, and again at 29 (my current age) I have come to achieve this “awareness”, and abandoned it. When I was 18 I didn’t have the knowledge, resources, or education that I have now , so I couldn’t make any connections or really figure anything out. Now is a different story.

In early November, after a month of dysphoria chipping away at me something inside me just…broke. I admitted to myself that I’m trans. I said the words. But I resisted the truth of it every single day. Another month went by and I was heavily depressed. I doubted myself. As much as I feel like a wuss for admitting this, the thought of transition and telling my family f***ing terrified me. In other words, I was devastated to learn this thing about myself, and the truth was crushing me.

I had to shut it all down though. I had to put the gender issues on pause. I’m an undergrad in university, my depression was affecting my grades… I was failing a class, and I flunked 2 of my midterms. So I put it all to a halt and just focused on what I needed to do to finish my semester and pull my grades up (which I did).

Mid-December I came to the conclusion that I won’t forget the truth about myself, but I just can’t do this. And now? I’m at a standstill. I feel like I don’t even know who the hell I am anymore. Three years ago I came out as a “soft butch lesbian” and a large part of me is clinging desperately to that identity. The idea that I might be a "straight trans male" well... that's a tough one to digest. I decided to talk to a counsellor, maybe work my way up to speaking with a gender therapist. It can't be that bad just to talk about it right?

Maybe one of you can give me your perspective on this, but I have a theory that maybe I am reluctant to accept myself because I may have internalized transphobic things that I’ve heard. All of the stereotypes and the stigmas… maybe I internalized that? Because in my mind if I were to possibly transition, I’d be seen as a freak. I already feel like a freak for feeling the way I do about my body and the social dysphoria. I feel like no one could ever accept me, especially my family. I think that about myself. I think I must be really messed up… and no one could ever love me for me. I feel like a fraud.
I think I might feel a lot of shame about myself for feeling the way that I do. And it's ironic because I don't even blink an eye when it's someone else. When I see other people living their lives true to themselves, I'm happy for them, I'm in awe of their courage and their strength. Envious too. But when it comes to myself, I can't seem to look at myself with the same compassion, love, and understanding.

Anyways, I will leave it here. Thanks again for reading, any advice/support is greatly appreciated.