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I think I've hit rock bottom :/

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Old Soul, Jan 13, 2017.

  1. Old Soul

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    Hey guys. I hope I'm posting this in the right place.

    I've posted a couple of posts on here for the past couple of months about feeling lost, trapped, and hopeless. I've left out some things because I have a poor short-term memory and a scattered brain, lol :grin:

    I'm in college while living with two of my aunts. I have no car of my own, no job, no social life, no love life, you get the picture. I want to get a job this year but I feel like my prospects are slim. I've been unemployed since 2013 due to physical and mental health issues. I had an under-active thyroid and low vitamin D3 and B-12 which was partly responsible for my depression. I've been taking thyroid medication and D3 and B-12 supplements for a little over a year so that has helped me with my physical health. I am seeing a therapist, but I feel like she hasn't been very helpful lately. She's just a counselor and I probably really need to see a psychologist.

    For some reason, something keeps holding me back from working towards improving my life. I dream up everything in my head, but in reality don't do anything. I don't know if its fear or just pessimism over my current situation and feel like I can't afford to move out, get my own car, or anything else even if I get a part-time job. I used to think I could be patient and ride this out, but I don't know anymore. I find myself increasingly frustrated, anxious, and I cry just about every day.

    I know I should go to an LGBT center, but fear immediately stops me from progressing. It's like my brain becomes paralyzed with fear when it comes to being more open/out to other LGBT people. I hate this because I know my situation would be a little bit bearable if I had a support group/friends to vent my feelings to. I'm bottling my feelings up right now and I think it's starting to take a toll on my brain. I'm numb and can't remember the last time I was truly happy.

    Even though I'm technically out to my family, I haven't felt comfortable enough to date or be in a relationship. I just become paralyzed with fear when I think about openly dating a guy even though I fantasize about it all the time. I want to someday know what it's like to experience true love. I want to be held when I feel sad, mad, depressed, etc. I don't want to have regrets someday that I never was in a relationship. The thought of that makes me contemplate suicide. :icon_redf

    As far as sex goes, I've never had sex. Right now I'm on Effexor and Wellbutrin which have eliminated my sex drive. I need to find recommendations for alternative anti-depressants that don't cause this.

    Overall, I know I need to work on my self-esteem before I put myself out there. I haven't been good to myself for a long time and it's probably going to take the work of a psychologist to help me in this area.

    Has anybody else ever found themselves in this situation? I feel like I'm going to snap someday if things don't get better. My brain feels like it has shut down because I'm so overwhelmed. I just want my knight in shining armor to pick me up and take me far away to somewhere else, lol :icon_bigg

    Any advice/words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. :slight_smile:
     
  2. Linus

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    Hey, you're okay.
    Do you like hugs? I like hugs. If you like hugs, I'm giving them away free.

    Don't think about the bad things. Hang on, I've got a story to simplify things.

    Yesterday I was taking my final exam. Half way through, my brain went completely blank, and it stayed that way for about twenty minutes. I was aware of this, and the more I thought about it, the more anxious I became and I started to break down. I went on a couple bathroom breaks to go cry. At the end of the final, when everyone else had left the room I told my teacher that I couldn't complete the test, that I wasn't in a good mindset, that I was having pretty much the worst brain fart thingy ever, not to mention I was basically in tears in front of him. He told me to go take a break and come back in an hour. So I did. I went and ate lunch with friends, and then I came back and I finished the test, in a better mindset than when I started.

    So this little story is a bit of an analogy. I've actually been in a similar situation(depression) myself, and I know to some degree what that feels like.

    The more you think about your situation, and where it's at, the more you're likely to stay there. Similar to what happened with me and my test. It's hard to look up in that situation. I know. My advice would be to take a breather and come back with a different perspective. Don't focus on yourself, for one thing. Focus on other people. Gay, straight, doesn't matter.

    If you need to vent, by all means, vent. We're here to listen, and offer support. But it might help you if you focused on something else. Take a deep breath. Smile. Tell yourself that things will get better. It might sound like a lie when you first say it, but it usually does get better. Depression typically comes in episodes. It will probably let up later, so don't quit now. Hang in there.

    Also, ask for help. You do need to see a psychologist, but therapy and counseling are also important and helpful, (if you're working with the right person)

    We're all here for you also.
     
  3. Old Soul

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    Thanks for the hug. I'll give you a hug back. (*hug*)

    I really need to listen to this advice. I just get soo impatient sometimes. It feels like my life has stagnated for the last several years, and I worry that it'll remain that way for the next several years as well. Depression has definitely gotten in the way of me trying to improve myself. I find it all too easy to want to lay in bed and withdraw from everything. It also doesn't help that I'm usually a shy person, and more of the submissive type.

    But get this: I've had a queen-sized bed for the last 8 1/2 years, and I used to always sleep in the middle of the bed. For the last year or so, I've been frequently sleeping on the left or right side. Must be a sign, lol :lol: