I'm 21, MtF and for the past 6 years struggled with gender dysphoria and depression. It took me so long to accept that I was trans due to a fairly conservative/Catholic upbringing and neighbourhood. I was ashamed about being trans, and after accepting that, I was depressed at the prospect of not being able to transition or not being accepted. After such a long time, I've finally started hormones and been on them for almost a month. I've come out to my parents and they've both been accepting so far. I already have a pretty slim/feminine body, I'm slowly growing my hair out, etc. my doctor said I'm "an ideal candidate" for HRT, i.e. I'd pass really well. This has made me so hopeful and optimistic. And now I've just discovered that the lump under my right breast, which I've had since I was a teen and doctors said was male gynecomastia, has grown and spread into the lymph nodes towards my right armpit. It's all grown and more tender than usual. And it's only in my right breast, my left doesn't have any lumps, no growth or tenderness, etc. I know that lumps in the breast are usually nothing and breast cancer is super rare, but why would these lumps start growing after HRT and spread to the lymph nodes? I'm going to have my doc look at it next week. But honestly, if I'm told to stop hormones and/or it turns out to be cancer, it'll break me. I've waited so long to start transitioning, at one point it was transition or suicide. If I'm faced with the option of transition or cancer, I don't know how I'm going to cope with this. I don't think I will. Has anyone been through this before or something similar? How did you deal with it?
my advise is to not borrow trouble from tomorrow. wait and see what the doc says, breast pain is common on HRT from what im told and may not be on both sides at the same time.
(*hug*) I hate that you're in the position you're in. You have my love and I'm sure that from everyone here. Hormones alleviate dysphoria, and it sucks going back to that world so much when you've finally just started to escape it. But you did make it this far before. Even then hormones aren't a package deal, your doctor will know more about what's right for you than we will but generally there's testosterone suppression, and added estrogen. For what it's worth, testosterone suppression had a bigger impact on me than the estrogen did just comparing them side-by-side. I can't really say it's similar but I have had a few times when I couldn't afford my hormones. It sucks. A whole awful lot, especially once you get used to having them there. It's nothing compared to what you're going through. But it gave me some strategies. What I can say is that dysphoria is an emotion. I mean that's like saying "hungry is an emotion" or "needing to sleep is an emotion" or "pain is an emotion" I know it's more. But thinking about it that way helped me. Just like hunger or pain or sleep deprivation, you can endure dysphoria if you give it definitions and know what its limits are and fight it directly. I know how awful it is to be this close to escaping hell only to be clawed back again. But I can say that when that happens I can scale back. Sleep more, blow off friends, hot cocoa, draw and photoshop more. Take it a day at a time. Having people helps too. My girlfriend is my rock. I can get through anything with her holding my hand. Having a person that treats you like you, that's so important I think for those dark days. It was when I didn't have a real roof over my head. I transitioned so I could live. That's the goal. To live. Not just to escape pain, but to have a life, the way the people around us that can take everything for granted can. And I think it's important to keep that goal in mind. I needed this out of my way so I could do what I'm for, so I could finish school and get out there and start life. On the dark days that's what I kept in mind. If I don't have hormones, I'll just find another way to keep going. I'll take the day off work when I have to, when it's bad. Or I'll bury myself in work. Or a video game or a T.V. show. Whatever I have to do to get through the pain, I will. I know this is overwhelming. But you may not have to make this choice, like looking for me said. Even if you do, you will get through this.
That is really scary to think you might have to stop. But don't be too worried before you see a doctor. I imagine they will try to solve the problem in other ways and take you off hormones only as a last resort.
Ugh, that sucks. I had a breast cancer scare like this a few months ago. It terrified me. It turned out I just had cysts, and that was a huge feeling of relief. I hope you'll be okay. :c hang in there and don't think about the possibilities. If it spread like, quickly and noticeably, it is probably not breast cancer. Since you just started HRT, it is probably just new breast tissue or swelling of the tissue you had before. A lot of women store breast tissue in their underarm area, it's not unusual. ---------- Post added 15th Jan 2017 at 02:23 AM ---------- Also when my dr. ordered a mammogram, at the testing place they said breast cancer at my age (20s) is so rare they didn't even want to necessarily do the mammogram, they did an ultrasound first and even from that they said it was just cysts. They were way less worried about it than I was! So maybe that's comforting.
