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Questioning my gender, Am I FTM?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by BurningAsh, Jan 11, 2017.

  1. BurningAsh

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    This is my first post on here, so let me introduce myself
    I won't tell my real name, but on the internet I go by Ashley, altough I prefer Ash. I am afab and I am 14 years old. I dont know what my sexuality is, but I doubt im completely straight.

    So here's the actual post

    The last few months I've been thinking a lot about my gender and sexuality, mostly gender. When I was younger I always just saw myself as a girl, possibly because I didnt know about trans people until I was 8 or something. When I was a toddler I acted like most girls, but when I was a bit older (about 10) I started avoiding the female stereotypes. For example, I started disliking dresses, skirts, pink and glittery things, girl tv shows and things like that. When I was around 12 years

    I really started disliking these even more. I am 14 now and during the last year it got even worse. If I have to wear dresses, skirts or just really girly clothing I need to try so much not to cry sometimes, it makes me so uncomfortable. (I am fine in most girl clothing things as long as they aren't too girly altough I'd prefer wearing guys clothing most of the time)

    I'm uncomfortable about my body too now, While they're not too big, my breasts make me really uncomfortable and I really want a flat chest. I also have long hair and I really want a shorter haircut that looks more stereotypical male. Of course other biological female things make me uncomfortable too, I hate having periods, not just because they're annoying but because it's a girl thing.
    But I still feel like I have a lot more top than bottom dysphoria, and I dont know if I'd do bottom surgery if I ever decide im trans? All the surgery stuff is so scary to me..

    Social stuff then.
    I have a more female than male friends. But I wish I had more guy friends because I like doing guy stuff way more than things girls do, altough I still have fun doing stuff with my female friends.

    Most of the time I dont care that much about pronouns, altough I would be really happy if someone called me a he. If someone refers to me as "girl", "miss", "daughter" or "sister" or a specific female word, not just pronouns it still makes me a bit uncomfortable.

    If I think about my future now, I'd look like a guy and either have my partner get pregnant or adopt a kid (not sure about my sexuality but I think I might be bi/pan)

    But I'm not sure if I am actually trans or maybe just tomboyish (or maybe im just confused by puberty/other influences like internet n stuff)

    If I ever accept myself as trans or not straight I dont think coming out to my parents and closest friends would be a big problem, they're all fine with that stuff except my grandparents and dad's side of the family bc theyre really religious.


    But yeah.. does anyone have any advice on this? I'm so confused
     
  2. CROSSY ROAD

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    Hello love! Welcome to EC!
    It sounds like you are trans. This is the same process I've been going through, and even now I still doubt myself. The definition of transgender is someone who is physically the opposite gender that their head believes it is. Which sounds a lot like you do! Now I know this discovery could be scary, but it's okay. Like I said, I would say you are trans, but you don't need a label to tell you who to be. Be you, bright, handsome Ash.

    ---------- Post added 11th Jan 2017 at 03:16 PM ----------

    I'm always open to talk, too. I am also trans FTM.
     
  3. ARC36

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    Welcome to EC, as crossy said.
    I can kinda relate to what you said, given my "most likely ftm" label.

    When I was younger I was a bit girly, wore skirts and was okay with them (until I was about 11 and no one could force me into one if they tried) I had only a negligible amount of dysphoria that I chalked up to my tomboyishness. But when puberty hit this intensified and I started having very obviously not cis person thoughts that I refused to acknowledge for several years

    I know what you're going through, being afraid and all.
    I constantly doubt myself, thinking I sould just try and be happy and live as a cis woman, but every time I think of the future picturing myself as a women makes me depressed.
    When I first thought I might be trans I was scared, I denied the possibility, and then when I realized I would be so much happier as a man I was ecstatic, I thought that finally that persistant depression and disatisfaction would be cured. And then I was scared again, because I realized that being trans is not easy, it is not a walk in the park, it requires effort and risk. Although I feel like I man and I would be happier living as one I wonder if the struggle is worth it, and if maybe being a girl wouldn't be that bad. But the thought of being trapped as girl until the day I die is extremely depressing and I have to distract myself from it constantly.

    Anyways,

    I think you might be trans, but it's definitely something I would look into more if I was you. Quite a few trans people don't start feeling dysphoria until puberty, that's probably true in your case.

    Being trans is a big and pretty scary thing, it's nothing to just jump into. Question yourself thoroughly, maybe see a gender therapist before making any life changing decisions that you might regret (this is why I'm refusing to completely assume the label until I see one). This is not something to be taken lightly, but then again, learn to accept yourself as you are, and don't let your desire to be cis hold you back if you really feel that you are trans. Try out pronouns, bind (safely), experiment.

    Also surgery is hella scary, everyone is some degree of afraid, that's nothing to be ashamed of or cause to doubt yourself.

    Also most of my friends are gender non-conforming girls and when I was younger I didn't hang out with just guys like some trans men. It was always a mixed bag with me. (Just couldn't understand girl talk and feminine things so I steered away from people who liked that kind of stuff.)
    I also had long hair until I was about your age, dressing as a guy for a tech film inspired me to cut it. (I had always been shit at maintaining it before hand tho, it was more of a nest or a mane than hair.)

    What Im trying to say it, every trans narrative is unique, don't dismiss yours just because you might have done some feminine things, or like some feminine things. A trans person is a trans person regardless of what they like or how they act, so embrace yourself. I'm here to talk if you need me.

    This is long, sorry.

    Joining EC and talking to us is a good first step, and I wish you luck.
     
  4. BurningAsh

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    Thanks, that really helped

    And I thought about gender therapists, but I wouldnt be able to go without my parents knowing.

    But I'll keep thinking about this and try stuff out so I can see what I feel the most comfortable with
     
  5. Rickystarr

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    You may or may not be trans to be honest. But your story so far does sound pretty similar to mine, I just would need more details. The main reason I would hesitate in saying you're definitely trans is because you don't seem terribly distressed about this stuff. Maybe you are and are just not showing it. Maybe you aren't yet, but you will become more bothered by this stuff every day. Or maybe you are not trans. No one can say but you.

    I just wouldn't do anything drastic unless you feel really unhappy with the way things are now.