Going deeper into the closet

Hey IrishJ,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this type of situation.

If I may ask, what is the bottom line that keeps you from just Coming Out and, naturally, ending your marriage?

 

It sounds like you're under enormous pressure and strain. All of those fears and worries sound familiar to me. Big hugs. I didn't hold out nearly as long as you, and I'm working on separation. It's an enormous decision, it's been very difficult but it's right for our family . But we each have to decide what's right for ourselves. Are you out to your wife? Are you able to reach out to the LGBT community near you at all?

 

It sounds ALL TOO FAMILIAR, IrishJ. Most of us have experienced it at various times in various situations. We can definitely empathize.

If it helps, give us more details about what your are going through. Sometimes, just writing it out is a therapy in and of itself.

 

Hi Irish, i think (from a personal experience) that its a constant balance. On oneside you have the himilliation, hate etc. Of why you dont come out and on the other hand you have the feeling of feeling hopeless and sad in your current situation. Up until now i feel that what is weighing more is the attachment towards hopeless and sadness because they are more familiar feeling to you. I have been there and i am pretty much still there but i have realised that the way that i have lived my life up until now hasnt been that great so i might aswell switch to the other side of the balance and embrace the initial shame and akwardness. I think its just survival incstint kicking in. Like you, i cant take anymore so i need to change the way i have been tacking things.

I am only 26 so i cant talk about the extremely difficult situation you must feel with your family.the only thing i can tell you is to be strong you will get there. I have a friend my age whose father came out when she was 15 and her brother was 11. After some initial understandable confussion she accepted her father who is an absolutely great guy!i wish you all the best and i know you will come stronger out of all this

 

It sounds to me like you are in a lot of pain from trying to control things that are out of your control. The idea of "free falling" is scary as hell, but sometimes letting go, being true to yourself, and realising that whilst you are not in control of what the outcome will be, a leap of faith can be liberating, no matter the consequences.

If you decide to come out, know that you will be setting the wheels in motion for something which is unstoppable anyway, and that letting go and trusting that things will turn out the way they are meant to, can actually lift some of that pain.

 

As you portray her your wife sounds like a difficult person regardless of your sexuality. But at one point you were apparently happy enough together to get married and have kids. Perhaps you should try couples counseling to sort our the difficulties between you two, which may overlap with but are nevertheless distinct from your own questions and concerns about your sexuality.

 

Hi Irish and fellow members. I feel for you and your situation. I myself am separated and have kids. I am not out to anyone and am still struggling with who and what I am...mainly my sexuality. I feel Incm leaning more toward gay but have a fear of coming out.

 

IrishJ

It seems to me you are creating the circle of fear for yourself. Take away the sexual orientation issue, it sounds like you would be divorcing anyways. Divorce is hard, but kids do adapt.

Don't you think this is effecting your daughter?

As for the sexual orientation part, you've said your youngest is in High School. Most of the kids that age that I have met are very open-minded and compassionate when it comes to sexual orientation. Why do think it would be so difficult on your daughter to accept you if she knew?

Your fears seem to be creating a false reality, like the opposite of 'rose-colored glasses', you put on a pair of ultra dark shades. I think if you take them off and look with open eyes, you'll see that you are in a pretty good position to take the first step out the door.

 

Recalling some of your older posts, and seeing you coming back under the pressure, leads me to believe you are about to seriously entertain the idea of finally doing what you know you need to do.

It's time to move forward with life. Your kids will be fine. Your relationship with your wife is irrelevant given how bad it currently is.

It's your only choice. And is time.

 

Is there an option to leave your wife and come out later? You said there's issues outside of your sexuality, so perhaps divorcing over those issues would at least make the divorce aspect easier to deal with. Then in a few months you could come out, that way it isn't dealing with both things at the same time. And spares you from some potential venom from your wife.

Though I will say, I think we often fear the reactions of others because we fear losing them, when really honesty matters much more. Example, I have a hard time telling my ex that I'm dating guys. She asks and I lie. Then when she finds out, she gets upset, because I lied. Not because I'm dating. So one day recently I decided not to lie and told her the truth about a date I was going on. She was happy that I was honest. My fear of her not wanting to talk to me anymore if I told her that was unfounded. In fact, it made us closer in a way.

Letting go of trying to control the things we cannot (like how other people react to things about us) and being honest are two big lessons I'm learning in all of this. They're more important than anything about my sexuality.

 

If he would be going to go through a divorce, might as well rip the entire bandaid off and come out at the same time. Why drag everyone down an emotional rollercoaster for an unneeded additional amount of time? It might be painful, but at least it puts it all behind you and your family sooner rather than later. Everyones lives will be evolving, might as well do it all at once.

 

Please come out as soon as possible. As far as we know we live only one life and it would be a shame to waste even more time not living the genuine life you crave for.

Also, I am sorry as I do not know the exact details of your marriage, but I think you need to cut your wife some slack. She is unwillingly part of a mixed orientation marriage and she is being deceived. As scared as you are of how she'll handle it... it's something you'll eventually have to do. Do it when you're ready, but try to make it (much) sooner, rather than later.

 

I'm going through a similar situation. I told my husband about 4 months ago. He took it pretty badly but now seems to be doing better. It's a hard decision to make- to either to live authentically and break up your marriage and family or stay with your family and put yourself last. I know I'm still young (33), but I've been with my husband for 10 years (with no kids), but I feel like I've been putting myself last all of this time with everything, and what good has it done me. At some point in your life, you need to do what's best for you. I know divorce and your family's reactions might be tough, but in the end it will be worth it- just so you can be who you are.

---------- Post added 10th Jan 2017 at 04:24 PM ----------

Also, I know you are afraid of coming out to your wife, and I don't know how she will react, but most people can surprise you. I would say that would be your first step. And it will make you feel much better about yourself. Also, go to the LGBT center. I've been seeing a therapist at mine and it's helping.

 

Good for you!

But please feel some empathy for your wife. For over 20 years you have been deceiving her.

Once you come out, it's going to be hard as hell, but you'll be able to live as yourself. It'll be a long road to recovery, but that's okay. Just remember to not be negative. Whatever negative feelings or thoughts you have, you could always turn that energy into something positive. Let's say you hate how you feel like you wasted so much of your life, that you won't get to experience it... etc.. Why not share your life story so maybe others could read it and it could spread and maybe it'll encourage others to not follow that path? etc.

We all make mistakes. But you have a big change ahead of you that you're preparing for and you should be excited for that, and slowly, slowly, you should be getting happier.

Plus, seriously, better late than never.