So, it has been a while since I have posted. Things have changed yet stayed the same. My family and I did end up relocating home. I struggled through the summer, living at my in-laws. My wife and I tried marriage counseling, but it didn’t go anywhere. This fall we moved into a new house in time for the kids to start school. Much of how things were going to be, whether we stayed together, is how the finances shook out after the relocation settled down. Which leads me to where I am now, torn. As I am the only income, I would be supporting two households to have a chance of find what I want. Budget wise it could barely work but, I am feeling by doing that it will take opportunities away from my children to participate in sports and activities and go on vacations like we have in the past. Then, I think for what. I have kept the façade up of being straight for 13 years of marriage and I feel resigned to recompartmentalize that I am gay again. For those that have younger kids, did you struggle with these tradeoffs?
Hi Outbound (*hug*) it sounds like you have a really difficult situation. I'm going through a separation right now as well and I know how emotionally torn it can make you. My personal thinking is thst kids can adjust to a lot of changes in their lifestyle. But only you know where you draw that line. If you decide not to separate, gave you considered open marriage? Or perhaps separating but living in the same house, at least temporarily? ---------- Post added 6th Jan 2017 at 05:32 PM ---------- *have
I'm not married, and never have been so please take this for what it's worth. I would look at it as an overall quality of life question. Is your emotional and personal well-being impacted by either situation such that it would impact the kids as much if not more than purely financial or material opportunity? Is your time at home harmonious and good generally so you could provide for them materially and still be available emotionally? If you would be miserable and unable to be there as a father then I would think it's better to live separately and be more available as a complete person for your kids. If you would be able to stay home and keep your own quality of life such that you can provide for them emotionally then I would stay. To me overall quality of life for you and the kids is the question moreso than money or opportunity. Patrick
I admitted to myself that I was gay when my children were ages 4 and 5. They are 20 and 21 now and I came out about 7 months ago. One of the reasons I stayed closeted was my children, as nothing was more important to me than being there for them. I believe it was the right decision for me but I would not assume that this is universally true for every mother or father. I believe for someone else it may be very possible to be an excellent father in a non-traditional sense. Perhaps choosing to stay for some is a big mistake considering the amount of stress and or depression they may suffer as a result. I can tell you there were times when my suffering definitely affected my ability to do my absolute best as a parent. I empathize with your situation and understand the pain involved in even considering a decision like this. Regardless of the decision you make you need to fully consider all possible consequences. Unfortunately for those in your position those consequences are significant and you need to be as informed and prepared as possible. Therapy is highly recommended and of course EC helped me tremendously.
Outbound, That is an issue I am facing currently. I have come out to my husband and my grown son from my 1st marriage. My current husband and I have a 12 yo daughter. When I divorced the first time it was very hard on my son. He went from being able to have the nice new clothes and yearly family trips across the world plus disney passes and everything else that came with upper middle class, to living with me on one income and no longer being able to afford any of what he was used to - we divorced when he was 9. He eventually went to live with his father at 15 so he could get back into the life he was accustomed to that dad could afford to give him. So now I am facing the same lifestyle change again but with the added bonus of my acceptance as a lesbian. I know there is no way I can provide for our daughter financially the way we can together. Mainly because I have never been one of those who place high emphasis on how much cs I can get from dad. I would rather ask for none and allow dad to remain in the picture. I've seen to many dads give up not because they don't want to be a father but because they can't afford to live financially. All in all it is a very hard decision - we can't see the future. We can only do what we think is best at the given moment and deal with each event after. I guess the best questions you can ask yourself would be as Patrick stated - For me, my answer is becoming simpler. Before my acceptance, my marriage had issues. I tried to repair the marriage alone because my husband refused counseling. We continued to have yelling matches in front of our daughter. I had contemplated divorce even prior to my acceptance of myself. So is it healthier for our daughter to stay in a home where there is a high likelihood of that behavior continuing, or moving out and losing the lifestyle she has been accustomed to all this time? Even if the home is not physically abusive, emotional abuse, lack of affection or indifference between parents all can have their own undesirable effects on the child.
I also want to echo Patrick's advice - for me personally, I felt that my daughter would suffer more in a family with 2 resentful parents, even we managed to put in a front of teamwork and affection for her. I know that inside I was feeling constant resentment, abdvtgat was eating away at my emotional availability for my daughter. But each of us has to make these calls for ourselves. Thsts just the thought process I followed in making my decisions. (*hug*)
Outbound, By the time I came out to my wife of 20 years, I had already reached the point where I knew I had to leave my marriage. I was fortunate to not face the financial pressure to remain together. I feel for your situation, and I echo other comments asking you to carefully weigh these options. Depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, and a host of potential emotional issues could result from you continuing to suppress your homosexuality. Without knowing either you or your wife's attitudes and acceptance of open marriage, it's hard to advise you to seek that option, but if it is an available option, it would potentially be one way for you to stay in your marriage while providing you some opportunities to explore your gay self. I was unable to continue to compartmentalize my homosexuality after I came out to myself, despite my attempt to do so. But I don't assume that all people will have my same reaction. I do wish you well in your journey. I respect fully any decision you make here. Take care. ride:
Barisajedi above sums it up nicely . If we make these kinds of long multiple year sacrifices for others (loved ones, children) but do so with doubt, and we don't do it with all our hearts, it is almost inevitable that we will end up resenting it. We martyrise those sacrifices, and start to get the feeling others owe us for making them, that's an... odd path to take. All those "After all I've done for you" talks that you hear on soap operas, those we are better off without. Take the actions that are line with who you are and feel right and good for YOU; and don't do so and expect an external reward for it, this way bitterness and resentment do not have a chance to take root (*hug*).
All thanks for your responses, it does give me more to think about. My wife is opposed to an open marriage, so that is off the table. It maybe more likely that the later would happen. However, I really don't know what that would look like. She is not supportive of developing any sort of relationship while I am still living in the same house. At this point, what I am wanting to do get involved in a local support group, but the schedule keeps on getting in the way. I would say that I have gone through low times where the impact of my emotional well-being has effected the kids. In general, my wife and I do get along pretty well and we slip into going through life well. It is more that is not necessarily satisfying. AndyG and WarmEmbrace you both bring up the stress of remaining closeted and the impact that has on being susceptible to depression and anxiety. I certainly felt both of those this summer, but for now have seemed to pass. The feeling of resentment was brought up, but I think the feeling I most struggle with is regret. Regret that I didn't face things 15 years ago. I feel that I have achieved a lot but it is hollow. Probably the biggest thing I think I need to do is redouble my efforts to find a therapist. I have had challenges finding resources to point me at someone to look into.
Outbound, The reason for my perspective is that my parents had a pretty awful marriage in the end. They fought physically. I saw all kinds of signs of dad's infidelity, his rage, and his inability to understand what mom was going through. Although I was less than 7 I knew plainly that things were very wrong although at the time I didn't understand exactly why. Add to that another perceived "disaster" - their divorce. Mom moved my brother and I to another (more northern) state, and the winter of that year I felt the cold so palpably in my soul. I was just 7 and wondering what happened to the life I knew. For a while it was hard and I could tell we struggled as a new, single-parent family. But then the sun came out. The weather got warmer. Life went on. I understood that my dad was still there for me, he still loved me, and I was okay. At 7 this took time, but life became normal again and I adjusted. What I see in retrospect is that my mom was suffering an abusive situation that she did not want to risk inflicting further damage on my brother and I. That abuse continued well into my dad's second marriage and beyond. My mom was strong, she took care of shop, and I owe my safety and well-being to her in a huge way. I love my dad, but he had so many demons he just couldn't be there for us. So for context, that's an environment I would advocate leaving or never letting happen to begin with. When parents are going through that kind of marital strife the kids know, are impacted, and are scarred by the marriage itself. A divorce allows kids to heal, albeit with a slightly deeper wound to begin with. Of course I'm speaking from my own experience and I'm not in any way attempting to draw a parallel to you or your situation. I encourage you to make the evaluation of your own quality of life, the quality of your life in the marriage, and the quality of potential alternatives if you were to come out. To me that quality of life for you will be the biggest impact on your kids, married or not. Patrick
I didn't come out until my kids were in their teens, but coming out was really the final attempt to end a marriage that had been strained and unhappy for easily a decade already. The kids weren't happy, but they were more understanding than I expected, because they saw what was happening and--in a total reverse of the usual parent/child roles--THEY wanted ME to be happy. My oldest went so far as to tell me that for a kid, if your parents aren't happy, then you feel that you have no chance of being happy either. That took me aback. It has not been easy for them, of course, and I often wonder what things might have been like if I had nuked the marriage 10 years earlier (we had actually discussed the possibility) instead of staying for the sake of the kids. But I wasn't ready, and they probably weren't either. In the end you have to judge based on your feelings and your situation and your gut. It can't be just about you, but it can't be just about them either. If you have reached the point where you are desperate for it to be done, chances are that they make realize it on some level as well. Keep the communication lines open and make sure you talk to them honestly and are up front with what you feel. It's not easy but it can work.
Something else comes to mind as well. Children will often feel responsible for marital problems, even though they have absolutely nothing to do with it. I remember feeling guilty about my parents' problems and subsequent divorce. The kids pick up on marital strife and they may feel responsible even though they don't know how to express it. The kids may even feel that something is inherently wrong with them. Another reason to communicate openly and carefully with kids.
Hypothesis. Parents are troubled couple, abusive father, depressive mother. They tell second son that they had expected a girl as their second child, they wanted to have a boy and a girl. Especially mother often goes on about how tough life is for her, and how much more the would have loved to have a daughter. (NEVER do that to you kid btw). First son is very typically boy, second child feels ignored. Pins lack of attention from parents on the fact that he is being ignored because he is the wrong gender. "If the fist one is like the dad, i'm gong to be like mom." Further problems in the couple, further abuses by father, suicidal tendencies from mom. Child feels responsible that the problems are there because he wasn't enough of a girl to be emotional support for mom. Subconsciously comes to believe that being a girl would have made it all better. Transgender issues amplify. By the time the first sexual thought even manifest themselves, the gender identity is already affected. It is plausibe. Thank you Patrick, for this reminder Yeah, my mom never left even if she was depressive, they stayed together, but... maybe I am left with the bill for that behaviour.
Thank you choirboy, I needed to hear this, it helps me keep things in perspective. ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2017 at 12:58 AM ---------- So many hugs warmembrace, (*hug*). Thank you for sharing your story.
