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How should I come out to my husband's parents?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by WriterArtGirl, Jan 4, 2017.

  1. WriterArtGirl

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    Hi!
    I think I just need to get this off my chest, but I've been struggling with the idea of telling my husband's parents that I am gay. I've known since last July (and told my husband in August).

    Basically, my husband and I have been together for about 10 years and married for about 1 year out of the 10. During the last year, my husband moved a few hours away from our then location near the DC area, where his parents live. I stayed to finish teaching out the year and did not return until last August. During that time away, I realized that I was not in love with my husband, and when I wrote down a list of what I wanted out of a relationship, I realized that I was not attracted to him. Before I met him, I realized that I was a lesbian, but because of my Catholic religious background, I thought that it was just a phase, which I think was an excuse because I was afraid that it was a sin that would damn me to hell. I am not religious anymore and don't hold those beliefs but I think that is what made me deny myself for so long. That and also, I come from a family that had emotional problems, so I never felt loved and often formed insecure attachments before I met my husband.

    Well, anyway, I met my husband, who loved me so much, and his family included me. At first, I was oblivious, but after a few years I began to feel that something was off about my relationship with my husband. Even though I ignored most of my thoughts about girls, when one did surface, I came up with excuses. I also knew that I wasn't attracted to guys, but I tried so hard to make it work with my husband, and with this I also came up with excuses. And with romantic love, I know it wasn't there, but again, I came up with excuses. Worse yet, I knew that I liked girls years before I met my husband, but I immediately went into denial when I thought about the religious teachings that I grew up with and I thought it was a phase.

    I've been thinking and writing a lot, and I think I am finally starting to accept myself more. I feel like acceptance has been coming in layers. I acknowledge that being with my husband isn't good for both of us, and I know I have to move on, which is why I am trying to move out.

    I know sooner or later I'm going to have to tell my husband's parents that I am a lesbian and that we might be separating and getting a divorce. They are like family to me, and I am closer to them than my own family. I don't want to loose them as a family, but I know that eventually that might happen. Since I might be moving back to the DC area for a job, I know I should tell them soon.

    This Friday, I am meeting with a school, and I thought I could go to their house afterward to tell them, but now I am scared and wondering if I should wait or if I should give them the letter I wrote or if it is even my place to tell them? Part of me thinks that not telling them is holding me back. I know they support LGBT, but this is their son. Has anyone else came out to their husband/wife's families? How was your relationship afterward? How did you cope with the guilt?

    Thanks! :slight_smile:
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    It seems to me that you ought to ask your husband about how he wants to break the news to his parents.
     
  3. WriterArtGirl

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    SiennaFire, he wants me to tell them; that it's up to me. Should that really be my job?
     
  4. Really

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    Hey WriterArtGirl,

    That's a tough one. Are you and your husband splitting up? Maybe this "news" could wait until they have that "news" first?

    Unless you're bursting to tell them, as they sound almost like surrogate parents to you, maybe think about how you'd like to do it if they were your parents.

    If you don't want to tell them, you could wait to see how they behave after they know about the breakup of your marriage then see if you feel differently. Or not. This really is your info to share how you want. But I suppose you need to be prepared that your husband might end up telling them in a moment of weakness and by telling them yourself, you'd maintain control of the message delivery.
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    I agree that this is a tough one.

    Has your husband told his parents that you might be separating? Based on what you wrote, I'm assuming not. If he hasn't, I feel that it's a little cowardly of your husband to put the burden on you. It's a bit of a red flag, since it suggests that he's washing his hands of this situation.

    If he wants you to break the news about the separation, then I would approach it as follows. You can tell them that you are sharing this information with their son's blessing and that you are considering separation as a couple. The reason for that separation is because you've come to accept yourself as a lesbian. This is the gist of the message, and you'll want to put this in your own words of course.

    If he's broken the news about separation, then I would simply reference that ... As you know, we are getting separated. The reason for the separation is because you've come to accept yourself as a lesbian. Again using your own words.

    I came out to important people in my life in person, and that seems like the best approach here. I would suggest writing up a script to help you with your thought process. Deliver the message and then listen to their reaction. If you fear rejection by them, please keep in mind that you don't need them in your life if they cannot accept you for who you are.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes (*hug*)
     
    #5 SiennaFire, Jan 5, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2017
  6. WriterArtGirl

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    Thanks, I recently came to the conclusion that it may not be in my best interest to tell them and my husband really is trying to wash his hands of this all, which is kind of crappy. He originally wanted me to tell them after I just told him when I wasn't even ready myself. I know in Virginia law you have to be separated for a year before you get a divorce so now I'm considering what would be in my best interest. They accept LGBT but he's their son so I don't know what influences he's going to get during that year. I know I'm close to them, but that was one of my reasons why I stayed with him so long and ignored what was right in front of me.
     
  7. Really

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    Are you just at the beginning of that year? Do they know you're separated? People are masters at not communicating so I'd wager most of this won't even come up between him and his parents given what you said about his disassociating tactics. Sounds like you've got time to think about this.

    If they should ask you about the separation and you don't want to get into specifics, you can always say something to the effect that you've realized things about yourself that aren't compatible with staying in the marriage. And then share whatever you're comfortable with.