Some may know I am a closeted lesbian married to a man. We have a daughter together and have been married 14 years. It is my full intention to stay in my marriage until my daughter is grown. But I want to meet other LGBT in my area for friendship only to help keep me sane. Well, I went online trying to find local Meetup groups - none, those I found that did exist had no posts in them for months to years. Some tried to help here but I don't live in ATL is about 2hrs away. Here's where my guilt and obsession comes in to play. I created a separate Fb account for myself anonymously so I could contact the admins of some fb meetups. Again my intention is strictly platonic only friendship. But I feel very guilty doing this. It is driving me insane, and the more I feel the guilt the more I become obsessed with coming out. I wish I could delete the account, but I don't want to. I found no meetups, but did find admins of the group who at least know what is going on in the community and will keep me updated if anything comes up like pride parades etc. But to make matter worse my obsession over this has me thinking about creating profile on other sites and just clicking friendship/penpal. I know this is wrong, I feel it is wrong, but I am becoming obsessed. How can I put the thought of coming out into the background of my thoughts?
Bunnydee, I applaud you for wanting to protect your family as long as possible from you "destroying" it. I understand that feeling all too well. I would like to suggest a few things to you, however, in the interest of giving you some things to think about. I'm not going to suggest that you must do anything, only that there may be things you haven't given proper consideration to before making your decisions. And ultimately, it is your decision. You should only ever come out to anyone when it is right for you. 1. I came out of the closet and didn't destroy my family. My family is doing great right now. Of course, we're still coming to terms with this, but everyone is doing fine. The only thing that I'm really doing is ending a marriage that no longer works. 2. I am still my kids' father. I will always be my kids' father, regardless of whether they are living with me or not. You will always be your daughter's mother. Nothing will change that. 3. Your husband deserves a wife who loves him - in every way that a heterosexual woman should love a man. You said that it's your full intention to stay in your marriage until your daughter is grown. Why? And your husband gets no say in that. I don't know how old your daughter is, but should your husband go through how many more years with a wife who is hiding her sexuality from him? 4. The longer you struggle with this, the harder it will be for you. Anxiety, depression, loss of focus, further distancing yourself from your husband as you process this, anger, resentment. You are already in some turmoil and are turning to online help resources to deal with this. It's already occupying some portion of your mind on a daily basis. How many more years do you think this can go on before your husband and daughter are harmed just by you being in turmoil? 5. Both your husband and daughter may resent that you hid this from them instead of being honest with them. That turned out to be the number one thing my 12-year-old had a problem with - that I was dishonest with him. He was fine with me being gay, just not the dishonesty. 6. If you are not happy in your marriage, how can anyone else in the family be happy too with a mother who is not? 7. Years from now, are you going to be glad that you waited? Or even more mad at yourself for that many more wasted years? As I said before, my list of things to think about don't require anything of you to do. You are free to ignore it all and stay with your plan. But based upon your post, it seems like you may not be able to hide this for too much longer. I do wish you well in your journey. Take care. ride:
Thank you so much I'm_gay. I had not thought of it in many of the terms you mentioned. My daughter is 12 as well. She is my main concern with her being a tween. I don't want to put her through unnecessary questioning or turmoil when the teen years are already filled with so much. A divorce is hard on them even without this issue. If you don't mind me asking, beside your son being upset about the dishonesty - How has he been adjusting in school, friend relationships, etc. Or is it still to early to tell? ---------- Post added 4th Jan 2017 at 09:36 PM ---------- I just read your post in the other post and then read the links you provided for your story. Wow. So much adjusting in six months. I guess I started here after your moving out post. Yes, Orlando had a major impact on everyone. I know for me I started thinking more on it at that point as well until I finally had to accept myself. I am going to do a lot more thinking about everything you have posted. Thank you.
Yeah, the middle school years are tough. Peer acceptance is so important to them. My son didn't have any problem with me being gay. He was upset that I had been lying to them after I came out to myself two years ago. He thought I should have told them at that time. In the four months since I came out to my kids, they have come around and totally accept me. We see each other almost daily, and my 12 year old and I are even closer than we were before. Why? Because I discovered that being completely honest with him about pretty much everything helped us become closer. Now, we talk about everything, and he feels free to ask any question of me. I do mean ANY question. I think the final hurdle with him was after he got brave enough to finally ask some questions that were on his mind but he was afraid to ask. He wanted to know about gay sex and how it works. :eek: But I answered each of his questions honestly. After that, his attitude changed, and he began acting completely normal with me, and we talk and laugh together and have conversations that are sometimes serious, funny, silly, and just plain normal. He did have some difficulties in school. He's in 7th grade. We basically just wrote off the first semester. He passed his classes, but not by much. By the end of the semester he recovered enough to bring his grades up a bit, but yeah, this has been a tough school year for him. One of my favorite moments was when my son told his friends that he has a gay dad without any prompting from me. Is this easy? No. It just takes time and patience. But I wanted to relate my experience to you in hopes that you might see that your fears of what other people will think or say are NOT REALITY. They are just your fears - irrational and only in your own mind. I can't promise you that you will have a good outcome. Some people don't. Some get rejected. I had to reach the point of knowing I HAD to come out of the closet, and accepted that I needed to do that even if the worst case scenario occurred. It didn't, thankfully, but I was at that point regardless. ride:
I'm_Gay Thank you again for everything you said. I soul searched for most of the night and decided yes, if I continue without discussion I am lying to my husband. So I came out to him this morning rather early as I did not sleep last night. I will post it in the coming out section later.
OMG I have to stop from biting my nails waiting for the update. Hoping the the best possible outcome. But you are doing the right thing. (*hug*)
