Closeted married guy seeking advice

Hey Josh,

I've never been married, but you might want to click on the Blog of EC User I'm Gay and read through his clear and honest thoughts about his Coming Out process.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/members/i-m-gay-76616.html

 

Sounds like you have gotten a very difficult part behind you by accepting yourself. It would seem the next step, and you already know this answer, is for you to have an open and honest discussion with your wife. It's nothing more complicated than that.

Now, some things to think about is your family's financial situation, and think ahead as to how to make sure everyone is provided for. But I trust you have already been doing that as well.

 

I came out as Gay to my wife 3 months ago. Very gut wrenching. One time she agreed to a divorce - next day, she changed her mind. I'm trying not to push her but she is having a very hard time accepting this. I am miserable as well as she is too. I think the next step is scary for both of us. More for her than me.

 

Sorry, Josh, you need to be honest with your wife ASAP. It's not a matter of "coming out" per se, but cheating on her, lying to her, betraying her and probably gaslighting her (which would not be so much different if you were having an affair with a woman). She probably has some suspicion that something is up but can't put her finger on it. Many wives who have been cheated on by their gay husbands end up suffering something equivalent to PTSD. There is no need to wait to "be sure" of your sexuality. You need to tell her what is going on; she deserves at least that much and then can make an informed decision about what she wants to do.

By having an affair with this guy, you have already crushed the family and the longer you keep this hidden, the more damage you will do. The right thing to do is to be honest with your wife. The selfish, cowardly thing to do--that keeps all YOUR options open while keeping her in the dark--is to have your cake and eat it, too. And, no, homophobia is not an excuse for not being honest with the person you made vows to. The sooner she knows, the sooner she can stop wasting her time married to you under the illusion that she is in a loving, monogamous relationship.

---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2017 at 10:09 AM ----------

Just to emphasize: Cheating is cheating regardless of sexual orientation.

Also, I hope you are using protection. Even if you are, protection isn't full-proof, and your wife has a right to know about the additional risk for STDs you have put her in so she can get proper check-ups.

 

Forgot to answer the original question but I don't think there's a way to do it other than just say it. It will be painful. it's up to you whether it's worth the pain. to me, i tell myself it will be worth it but right now, there's a lot of pain in the house.

 

Hey Josh,

My life mirrors yours almost exactly. Age, kids, marriage years, wonderful wife but the sexual relationship ended long ago; all very similar. Like you I had some safe encounters here and there and then I met someone early last year that got my head spinning. Although not in a relationship like you I see him now and then and keep in touch. But I fell hard for him and me made me realize what life could be like living as a gay man. So I began to really process what life is about and learn to fully accept my sexuality and what it means for the future.

I began my quest here on EC then with a therapist and gay married men's support group.

The answer for me is as OTH said above was to have and honest discussion with her and finally embrace who I was fully. I've come to understand sexuality is more than sex of course but an integral part of who we are as people. I asked myself "Who really knows me"? I realized that the only people who really know me are hookups and men I befriended in secret or on places like EC.

If I was ever going to live comfortably in my own skin I had to disclose to her which I did late last year. Its not easy and I worried about as you said "crushing" the family I've built but have come to meet many who have made things work for their family and I plan to do the same.

Its not fair or our fault but its our reality and one we all including our wives deserve to live in authentically.

Definitely check out the link from OTH; here is the link to my first thread here and another with wonderfully responses from so many on here.


http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/199754-gay-married-kids-ugh.html

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/207532-hurting-her-already;not-even-out-her.html

 

Hi Josh.

While I absolutely 100% agree with everything NYCer has told you about your cheating. Wrong, just wrong. I have a little different perspective to offer based upon my own life.

Your statement of 'getting along great just lack in the sexual area and always have' really reminds me of my relationship with my husband. I am a closeted lesbian who is married to a man with a child together. However, recently someone here has helped me realize my husband is most likely a closet gay.

I would definitely put a halt on the affair first and foremost. For me really if you at any time loved and cared for your wife, an affair would never have happened regardless of anything else. Then do some serious thinking about your relationship with your wife and her. Not saying your wife is a closeted lesbian, but there is a possibility especially if you can honestly say she has never had any passion towards you even since day 1.

As everyone here as already stated, you need to have a discussion with your wife. Looking at it from my perspective - You married this woman, spent 18 yrs of your life with her, took 18 yrs of her life away from her that she could have been searching for her true love, had 3 children with her so obviously you were having sex with her. Do not destroy what little dignity she will have left by telling her you also had an affair for the past year. That would be selfish on your part trying to relieve your own guilt.

I don't think the affair should be brought up unless you think there would be a possibility of having passed on to her an sti. It is going to be hard enough for her to deal with your issue and divorce and everything that goes with that. She doesn't need to bear your burden of the affair as well. To me that would just be cruel.

I say all this as a woman who has (without an affair) lived a lie with my husband for 14 years. Just because we have found ourselves and have accepted who we are, we also bear responsibility for the choices we have made in our lives. We chose to marry, we chose to stay in the marriage every single day for all those years, we chose to have the children. You have to accept firstly the true real deep emotional responsibility that come with the decisions we have made. This is so hard to do when we are so excited about having finally accepted ourselves. It is easier to place that responsibility on the back burner and detach from reality of the toll all of this has on the people in our lives.

Don't be one of those guys. Do the right thing and take every step knowing the pain and hurt you have caused. Don't be dismissive and think oh I'll just pull the band aid off and be done. You are going to have to be there for your children and should be there to help your wife adjust to her world crashing down. How? Once the discussion is over, make sure she has opportunity to counseling, has the money needed to take care of herself and your children, even go with her to counseling if needed, help her get her own place if needed, be there for her as you would a friend in need. You have been with her 18 yrs, don't just walk out the door and not look back. That's all I am saying.

Yes, after divorce your life will go on and you may be happier. Her life will be in shambles for awhile and the way I see it, you owe it her to help her through it. Just I owe my husband the same respect.

 

I've posted this before, so forgive me if you've already seen it. It pretty much describes what happened to me. Possibly others might see themselves in it.

From Amazon review of “Unseen, Unheard”

[M]any of these men and women [who are married to straight spouses] can participate in seemingly enjoyable sex with their spouses and even express *a form* of intense love towards them, but one day they discover outside their marital bond that they are fully completed with a person of their own gender; the sex and and intimacy they experience for their own gender appears blissful by comparison, and when they fall in love it transcends what they came to know in their marital domain as well as all prior intimate relations with opposite gender partners. When that discovery is made, it is as though their emotions and sexuality after being blurred for years come into a razor sharp focus and the shadows cast on the wall of their existential caves suddenly reveal themselves as a blinding source of light exposing their true nature in full color. Needless to say, this then precipitates a series of events leading to a breakup, a phenomena that has been observed in over 93% of cases.

As would be expected, the straight spouse is greatly affected and devastated, probably more so than the Gay spouse who has had a bit more time to reflect and digest his/her nature. Think of the individuals in these relations as having been living in a play forced on them by the religious and social norms that inform the relational paradigms incessantly pedaled by dominant cultural institutions, except that the straight spouse was living in a blissful dream from which he/she is suddenly awaken to a living hell. The Gay spouse even after coming to understand the unmistakable nature of his/her sexuality often tries to hide in the relation for fear of embracing the terrifying changes that must be undertaken. Fear of eventual loneliness and isolation often paralyses the Gay spouse and threaten to shake him/her to the very foundations whenever he /she contemplates taking the the steps needed to live authentically. Fortunately, the fear is more often than not unjustified and is greatly exaggerated by a mind not able to to tackle the internal homophobia that constitutes the very fabric of its mental landscape. So in many cases it is quite common for the Gay spouse to hate Gays and their lifestyle and to accept himself/herself as a homosexual person. This only makes living with their sexual identity more difficult as it stifles the necessary networking forays into the Gay scene that must be undertaken.

 

Hi Josh,

Here are some things I captured when I was coming out to my wife. Hopefully it will help you as you prepare.

Preparing to come out to your spouse as gay​

PS - I strongly disagree with the posters who have trolled your thread as a platform for their judgemental viewpoints about cheating. I don't feel that it's helpful to lecture you about cheating, so take it with a grain of salt. The takeaway is that since you are involved with another guy that is a sign that you are ready to make some changes in your life.

 

NYCer- very well said! I wish there were more men with your integrity.

That being said I feel for you Josh. The pain of coming out and facing the consequences is magnified the longer you wait. What you did is wrong but please don't commit another mistake by continuing the affair. This is your shot to be brave and regain integrity.

Patrick

 

You're welcome - I successfully navigated coming out and separating form my wife with the help of EC. You are facing a very difficult conversation with your wife (as well as the emotional rollercoaster after the conversation), so keep posting on EC and we can help you through this. While the next several months will be difficult, I can assure you that it will be worth it when you are living authentically (though you are probably getting a preview with your BF).

Best,
SF

 

Hi Josh,

There are so many of us here who understand your story, and have lived it as well.

I came out to my wife and children last summer. I'm 48 years old and have been married for 20 years. I separated from her at the beginning of December.

My coming out didn't have anything to do with another guy - I hadn't been with any guys during my years with my wife. I had a different trigger that propelled me to make this change in my life. My threads detail this if you want to read it (Thanks QuantumReality!)

There are many ups and downs to this journey. It's difficult to relate to you in one post everything that you may encounter on your journey. Please know that I, along with others here, will try to help you navigate along your way as best we can.

Most importantly, as has been said previously, is that you have been dealing with this for a long time. Your wife and family have not. This will take time and patience from you. Once you come out, there will likely be a strong desire from you to get this ball rolling. I know I felt it after coming out. I didn't want to waste another moment. But please take the time that is needed for your wife and family. Their long term well-being depends upon you being there for them.

Take care. ride:

 

Hi Josh,
Whether or not your actions were "wrong" is not for others to judge. What's done is done, and I agree that the sooner you are able to come out to your wife, the better (not so easily accomplished, I know — it took me a full year). If it's any consolation, I can tell you that the consequences for me were nothing near as dire as anticipated. My wife and I are still best friends, and she genuinely likes my boyfriend (not, I should emphasize, the man who opened the closet door for me — he went out of my life two weeks later!) There will be ups and downs, and the important thing is to take it slowly. Once you are out to your wife, let there be no more secrets (you'll be amazed at how liberating that is!)

 

Josh,

Here are my most relevant threads of my story:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/219546-coming-out-47-a.html
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/220585-today-day.html
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/220689-my-coming-out-update.html
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/226850-movin-out.html

Please message me on my wall anytime if you like.

Take care. ride:

 

I agree with many of the posts. I know its hard, but coming out to your wife is the next step. I know that I have not been married too long, but once I realized I was gay, I felt like I needed to be open with my husband. I was away for the summer for a job (so I did have about 2 months of thinking and accepting), but when I came back, I just couldn't keep it a secret any longer. The first few days were really tough, and the night that I told him was horrible. He was so upset and I couldn't do anything about it. There was no way that I could comfort him. But over time, he's adjusted, and it just feels better to have everything in the open. We are still friends and still get along pretty well. I don't know how your wife (and kids) will take the news, but you need to do it for yourself. You will feel better for it.

 

I'm sorry, that was really judgmental of me to call the situation "wrong". It is indeed what it is, and it is what you make it.

I have an emotional reaction because of my parents' divorce because of cheating by my dad. Although looking back now it was for the best, at the time it was confusing. There was no issue of sexual orientation involved.

My thought is that being in integrity with your true feelings (now that you've found them) is fair to all of you - you, your wife, kids, and your boyfriend. Right now nobody (not even you) is getting "all" of you. While this sounds bad it's not surprising considering you're only coming to terms with your whole self, so your whole self has never been available in the first place - until now.

Now that you have your whole self available it's your choice what to do. I strongly agree with the others who recommend coming as soon as you can, but only after you are prepared. When you feel your full self in your life and you know that you're honoring all of yourself and giving all of yourself to others I think you'll find it pretty liberating. Of course that's at the price of enduring this pain to grapple with the changes.

Again, I apologize for writing such an absolute and judgmental statement; that was an emotional reaction from my past.

We're all here to support you and we're hoping for the best.

Patrick