Am I just overly sensitive?

It sounds like being too sensitive might be an option.

Sometimes when my trigger and I would get flirty, she'd be like, "this is so gay right now!" And I'd just laugh, but in my head was like, "then let's make ooooout."

And sometimes if I say something that is clearly coming from a place of gay, I'll just blurt out, "gaaaay," or "gay." Because it's gay. It's something a gay person would think or say. I'm gay and being gay.

Being incredibly blunt, if I said something like that in a moment with someone I was on a date with and they became visibly upset over it, I'd automatically check out. 1) because I'd realize they weren't the person for me. I like to joke around and be sarcastic and silly. And 2) it would seem like I'd have to watch my mouth all the time and not be myself, which is a lot of work.

I feel like when I or other gay people say things like that, it's to laugh at how not straight they are. The Christmas lights thing, even before I read that she thought it was gay, I thought, "that's so lesbian." I don't think it in an offensive way, I think its cute and fun. I like gay and lesbian things...because I am fairly gay. So, it's funny to acknowledge it.

Since she's been out all her life, she's probably extremely comfortable with being gay and everything that means. When you describe how it hurts you because it makes you think back to your entire process and don't like it being boiled down to a laughable comment like that, which I don't believe she was consciously doing, it sounds like you're still dealing with unresolved feelings about coming out. Maybe pull the reins on dating for a bit and just sit with yourself. Every time I read a post from you it's distressful and sounds like you're running around seeking something that you're not getting, especially from others. It doesn't mean that's true, it's just an observation from your posts. Either way, I would work through some of your feelings about the heaviness you feel with coming out, because I feel confident saying that people aren't trying to deal with that baggage in the beginning of a relationship/dating, especially when they're comfortable with their sexuality.

 

Isn't this the same woman from the other thread?

If so, It's possible that your horrid experience with her is making you overthink everything she says and does. It could come from the pain of dealing with her more than anything, but if you're newly out...you might just need time to get used to your own sexuality. Sometimes I can be sensitive about my sexuality just because I've dealt with internalized homophobia for so long.

 

I think two women holding hands while looking at lights because they're on a date is a lesbian thing. Yes.

Two women cuddling. Yup, that's a gay thing. Two women walking along the beach as romantic, yup, gay. These are all things that straight people wouldn't do and is why they're straight. Maybe you associate the phrase with homophobic speech. I talk like this with my friends all the time. Friends who are also not straight. We call gay things gay because they're gay.

I really think you need to chalk this girl up to not being a good fit and let it go. There are plenty women out there.

---------- Post added 2nd Jan 2017 at 04:27 PM ----------

And it's not that I say things are gay 24/7, but definitely sometimes when the moment warrants it.

It sounds like this person is incredibly immature. Just move on.

 

I think you need to let the idea of this woman go. Obviously you're not seeing her anymore, which is good, but she's still occupying your mind. Take some space for yourself before you try dating again.

This woman had a LOT of red flags, was super immature and drew out petty drama. I promise she doesn't represent lesbians as a whole, however.

 

Caliwoman, can I be blunt? Sorry, I've read your other posts. You are a sensitive, sensual, thoughtful, and I suspect, kind woman. The anger you felt in your earlier post, was to my mind entirely justified. It's tough watching people you know only online go through difficult patches, go through things they so obviously don't deserve. It's a cliché, but you deserve better. This woman has messed with your head. I sometimes wonder why we allow people to get away with things that we would never contemplate ourselves, it's a willingness to give of ourselves but maybe we need to stop and say "enough, this is not okay". I believe you to be all of these things Caliwoman. Believe in you. Said in absolute hope of not offending.

 

Yeah, I think if she was saying it to everything, that is really immature. But she's proven to you that she's not mature at all, even before this. And just because someone has a career doesn't mean they're all there.

I think it's probably a younger crowd thing to do. It reminds me of how people say, "because I'm white," or, "that's so white," just because someone orders a Starbucks pumpkin spiced latte or something. I definitely do it though. Say gay. Sometimes I look at Ruby Rose and then look at myself in the mirror and am like, "gay."

Also, no one has to put a label on anything straight because it's the "norm." Straight people have the advantage of romantically holding hands while looking at Christmas lights and no one having a second thought. But two women or men doing that would automatically be labeled gay. I think it's part of the funniness and why people who are gay say those things. It's just a literal gay moment. I really can't explain it any further, lol. All I can say is, I do it, lots of people do it, but if this girl wouldn't stop with it then yeah, it's annoying and would get old quickly.

Onto the next one!

 

It's okay to be angry, in lots of different situations. You will get through the other side of anger and it will be normal or something approaching normal. Let it ride its course, be angry and when it feels right let it go, don't hold onto it. This is not your mistake, it's hers, she may realise it, she might not but you can't control that. You can control how you deal with it. Warm thoughts to you tonight from across the Atlantic.

 

Cali,
I can totally identify with you on many of your posts and how you feel and I can on this one as well. Coming from one sensitive person to another....I personally don't think you were being too sensitive. I think it is a silly thing for someone to say period ESP someone who is gay themselves. The one exception for its use I can think of is when it is used between two people who are super close and use it overtly as say an inside joke between one another (I should also comment that these two people are ones who are either gay and best friends or are in a romantic relationship).

I would have felt like you did when she used that phrase...not to mention you have all the other issues with her. She seems like someone who is trying to portray themselves as secure but is insecure and not someone that deserves your time...sounds like you are done with her and I hope you are. You are very articulate, thoughtful and kind and def deserve better.

Coming to the realization that you're gay later in life is such a huge deal. In my experience those who have known they were gay their entire life have not been able to understand the struggle and impact that such a realization can have on ones life. My old therapist was an older lesbian who I purposely picked because I wanted to be able to talk to someone who understood and didn't judge my journey. It got to a point with her where I felt she was totally disinterred in what I had to say and out of patience to deal with me....she didn't understand what I was going through. She had always known she was a lesbian and there was no struggle for her.

Also I have learned that dealing with women on a romantic level---since women can be so sensitive and have a lot of emotions going on, sometimes is the perfect storm. I have let women hurt me and leave and come back more times than I can count and more times than I should have. The intensity of the love between two women is amazing and intense but so is the fall out---and it hurts like hell.

I am still in my learning curve with this journey but wanted to put my two cents on. I understand where you are coming from. Hope you meet a kind and loving woman who won't take your thoughtfulness for granted or want to make out in the parking lot of a Walmart....you deserve better.

Always here to lend an ear if you need one...I think we have similar journeys

 

First of all, I always figured you were gay. I'm pretty gay myself.(or does that make me straight since I'm still technically pre-transition?)

Second, I also think you're over thinking things. Her sense of humor was one of the MANY things that didn't mesh well between you. You guys didn't mesh and aren't meant for each other. It happens, you should move on and forget about it.

 

Don't worry caliwoman. You did nothing wrong and were not overly sensitive. I would love to do those things with another woman. It would have been so romantic, you know. Just chop this one up as someone that wasn't right for you. You will eventually find that someone that appreciates you for you.

 

Hello Caliwoman,
I think that yes you had every right to be upset . It is easy to chalk this up to her being immature and it is may probably true. Is a good thing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt first, but there can also be a couple of red flags going up.

Assuming immaturity wasn't the reason, she might have been in some way testing you, probing for emotional responses on how you will react to what she was saying; it is hard to believe she did not realise that this behaviour wold unpleasantly poke your newfound identity. Maybe she got burned before and is weary it would happen again, maybe she is masking some hurt herself by this attitude. Maybe emotions confuse her her so she runs away from them. Who knows. There can be any number of things.

For me the red flags wouldn't be that she said."That's so gay!" but rather that she didn't later continue "But yeah let's do it, it will be fun!". It obviously mattered to you that you would do it, otherwise you wouldn't have asked twice, why wouldn't she want to join in? It is fun, it is pretty, it is romantic. This is the eyebrow raiser for me.

You said she opened up about something traumatic about herself, and that you feel you didn't validate her enough. don;t beat yourself over it. That can be good but it can also be bad. Was it something you felt natural that she would tell you about at that point, or was rather random and out of the blue and seemed out of place? Sometime telling someone a secret about ourselves is just a way to manipulate the person into trusting us more. Some do it deliberately , some do it by instinct. How did you feel feel in her case ? You not validating her enough about it might have been your own emotional intelligence, your own subconscious defences kicking in. I mean if she seems immature, and all romantic and sentimental aspects are to be joked about, but in return would want you to be less stand-offish? Maybe you just felt the need to be on your guard. Business people do tend to be more manipulative than others.

Of course my interpretation can be highly subjective, but I think you had the right to be upset

 

I don't think you're being oversensitive, i think she was being insensitive. Since you've only recently come out, i think it's important for the people you are dating to be aware that you will be emotionally vulnerable, as you've spent years trying to be something that you're not and you're now just discovering who you really are and how you really feel about certain things.

Having someone questioning your sexuality and making jokes about it, as if you've been out for years, is not helpful. It's natural to be a bit standoffish when opening up to a member of the same sex is still a new experience to you. you are entitled to take time with it.

I'm not a master of relationship advice by any means - I've been out for 12 years and never had a relationship. But I do know that it was quite difficult for me in the early stages to be an out gay man, because a lot of gay men treated me as if I had been out for years and assumed that I must have shagged at least 500 men within the first 3 months of coming out of the closet. Maybe that's how they lived, but it's not how I lived.

I think you will be better off finding someone - maybe a friend, not necessarily a partner - who will listen to what you want and need in a relationship and how you feel about being openly gay around different types of people. And not make assumptions about you based on how they've lived their own life. If you are feeling sensitive, then don't be afraid to admit that you are feeling that way. You're not being standoffish if you admit your own feelings.