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Just to clarify

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Dentalfloss, Jan 1, 2017.

  1. Dentalfloss

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    I'm sorry I'm firing off so many questions. Anyway, I'm the only one who knows about my daughter being bi/gay. In a text she refered to herself as bi. Anyway I was wondering if I should tell my husband what i know or should I keep it to myself until she tells us.
    She hasn't said anything to me at all about it.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2017 at 04:18 AM ----------

    In case any one wonders. She has NOT told me she was bi either. I saw a text between her and her friend.
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey dentalfloss,

    Don't apologize for asking questions or interacting with us here on EC. That's one of the main reasons that we are here. If we can provide you any support we are more that happy to do so!

    My recommendation was that you not tell anyone, even your husband. The reason for that is that if your daughter finds out that you are talking to anyone else about her sexuality, it could poison your relationship with her. After all, you would still be speculating on her sexuality since she hasn't Come Out to you and telling her that you know that she identifies as Bi to at least one friend would mean that you tell her that you basically invaded her privacy by reading her text message(s).


    However, I know how hard it is for close spouses to keep such critical information from each other - especially if the two of you are your main support base and you have a strong need to discuss this with him. I would just ask if you can be sure that he will continue to respect your daughter's privacy with regard to this information and not try to confront her or Out her? If you feel that he won't react badly, then perhaps you should go ahead and talk to him about your concerns. Please take precautions, however, not to be overheard by your daughter.

    I would also note that it is not usual for gay people to initially identify themselves as Bi as they journey to an understanding and acceptance of their sexuality. It somehow seems easier to accept and to tell others that than to just accept that they are gay. Only your daughter can know her own sexuality for sure. It is rare for us to Come Out to best friends or especially parents until we have a pretty clear understanding of our sexuality for ourselves.

    Just some thoughts.:slight_smile:
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Jan 1, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2017
  3. Lynz

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    Hi Dentalfloss,

    I do agree with others in that telling others is a bad idea. But, for your husband I do not think that it is. If I remember right he knows some already and said he would be supportive? I truly think the two of you being able to discuss this together will help you accept this easier.

    BUT, as Quantum said, PLEASE DO NOT do it where your daughter or anyone else can hear. She needs clear space and love to figure out herself first and accept. Do NOT give her the added stress of finding out anyone she loves is talking about it behind her back, whether you are supportive or it or not, she needs you to be her mum just now only.

    Hugssss!!!
     
  4. Dentalfloss

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    The best friend she was talking to is also the girl who is calling my daughter her girlfriend. What's really weird to me is that up until maybe a month ago, she had a crush on a new male celebrity every few weeks or so. She would talk about these crushes to me and show me pictures and drive me insane with them. Then I noticed she completely stopped talking about anyone and I asked her why she stopped talking about her lasted crush and she said she wasn't as into him as she was before and I left it at that. Then I find out she's into a girl.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2017 at 05:46 AM ----------

    He doesn't know she said she was bi in a text and my husband doesn't know I went looking at her texts. I just asked him recently how he'd feel about having a gay child. The only reason I asked him was because I saw my daughters texts. If I would not have seen that then I wouldn't suspect anything because prior to this she was all about boys. Or should I say men since she had crushes on grown male celebrity's
     
  5. Lynz

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    Hiya Dentalfloss,

    It is completely normal for a gay teen to feel attracted to both genders while they are questioning. It is also normal for adult gay people to do the same. Sexual attractiveness is a spectrum - some are on one end, some on the other, some are in the middle and attracted to both. Personally, I am near the end with attracted to women but Johnny Depp and Antonio Banderas definitely give exceptions! It is all normal and beautiful. She is noticing attractiveness but will see it as love, all puppy love at her age. It will not fully register as "I'm gay" yet. Let her enjoy all the love and keep and eye and be supportive for when she does figure it all out.

    Keep talking :slight_smile:
     
  6. Dentalfloss

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    so are you saying she is probably gay instead of bi? And what about telling my husband when he doesn't suspect anything? I just asked him how he'd feel about having a gay child and he said he Wouldn't like it but he wants a relationship with his child so he would accept them and not let them know he's unhappy about it.
     
  7. Lynz

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    Hiya,

    Nope, I would say she is figuring it out. She may not even know yet herself what part of the spectrum she is.

    I would say definitely speak to your husband, I think it will really help you process this. But that's just my opinion, probably because I wish my parents were able to process better so that they would be more accepting before I cane out. But PLEASE do not let her or anyone else overhere you.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2017 at 02:17 PM ----------

    My turn for rubbish mobile phone spelling, sorry haha
     
  8. Creativemind

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    She probably wanted to keep a secret until she feels ready to come out, so it would depend upon whether or not your husband can keep it a secret. Definitely do not approach her about it since you don't want her knowing you found out accidentally in case it goes bad.

    Whether you tell your husband is up to you, but I would avoid confronting her about it and let her come to you.
     
  9. tgboymom

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    Oh Gosh...

    While I would normally say that this isn't your information to give..... I think it depends on how well you know your husband. I absolutely, unequivocally KNEW that if my kid's father didn't accept it and help us get stuff done, he would have to answer to me and he made a point of NEVER answering to me when it comes to the child! lolol He expressed his disappointment and even anger to me only... NEVER to the child. We bounced everything off of one another rather than involve our kid in our own uncertainties.

    Do you have an idea of how your husband would react? Do you think that later down the road he would be pissed finding out that you knew all along and didn't trust him with it? Can he help? Will he help?

    Our child's transition would be expensive and our kid needed emotional support.. so yea.. we discussed it. I think every situation is different.. but that's how I did. Like I said.. I needed his $ for this so I didn't have much of a choice. What do you think he'll say?
     
  10. Dentalfloss

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    I don't think he'd show his disappointment to her but I can't guarantee how anyone will really act. I feel like he needs to know. I feel like maybe he should be able to mentally prepare and process this and I think we can be each other's support. If he does have any negative feelings or comments, I want him to blow up on me instead of her.

    I am also worried that he's gonna notice that I'm acting different because Iknow about that potentially life changing event. And it's weighing on me. Heaven knows I could use his support and thoughts on the subject. And who knows, maybe he's suspicious too. Maybe he's noticed things and wondered what's up with our child but didn't want to bring it up to me because he wasn't sure.
     
  11. tgboymom

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    Hmmm... I think Jake's father and I kinda started out with "something is up with Jess". There are things we would have never noticed when he was still young enough and living with us because I just... treated him like a girl! I'd hand him a credit card to go to the salon and go clothes shopping and all of that. After he was older and moved out THEN we noticed the legs were unshaven and the eyebrows weren't being done and the hair was a mess and the clothing was a real mess. I was like.. while you are visiting, let's have a salon day or "here.. here's some money... go buy some better fitting clothes". He refused! One day I asked.... and I think it was the opportunity he was waiting for.

    Fortunately, he wasn't around when I told his father. It was better we fought and yelled and argued without him around to hear it... but make no mistake, there was a lot of frustration around here. It's a lot different in that your daughter will still be your daughter when all is said and done. Ours wasn't.

    I'd be listening and watching and subtly bringing things up so I could see a reaction. Only YOU know with whom you are dealing. I prepped Jake's father for what was coming down the line, but again.... doctors, hormone treatments, surgery, keeping his bills paid while he recovered... there was no way I could do it by myself.

    Have you ever heard him comment about the issue with others? I pay attention to that stuff. My current husband almost got "released" from this marriage because after years, I heard racist comments. I never knew!! He dialed it way down and out when he saw that I was ready to end the marriage over it. I can't live with someone who has beliefs that sicken me. He has since made a great effort to understand where I'm coming from and actually get educated. My point is that you can be around someone for years and years and not really know what is in their hearts.

    Tread lightly, sweetie. As for YOUR behavior changing... chill a little. This "detail" of sexual orientation doesn't change who your child is.. does it? OH... you still have to be vigilant about who she's hanging around with, where she goes, what she does.. etc, but you'd have to do that no matter who she liked. No?

    Just let me tell you.... I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! I REALLY DO! It'll be alright. :wink: Keep working through it. You're here now at EC and this is a good place to talk it out. No one will judge you or your daughter. No one will hurt you, you have nothing to fear here. Take advantage of it.. you have a long road ahead. :slight_smile:

    (*hug*)
     
  12. Lynz

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    Once again tgboymom - you are awesome x x x
     
  13. Dentalfloss

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    My child hasn't came out to us. I only found out grub text. So I don't really know anything other than she told her friends she was bi and that they are together now.
    I don't know what she is really thinking. Who knows. She may come to us one day and say she wants to be a boy.

    She still acts like a girl as far as makeup and perfume. So I don't know. But you said your child did that too until they moved out.

    I'm a highly anxious person and my anxiety makes me want to jump to worse case senario and it makes me want all the answers right now. So he would be a good sounding block.

    The only time he's ever said anything about being gay was when her and I got into an argument and I was crying because she is so stubborn and I said something to him about why is she like this why can't she be easier and he said " she is who she is. You can't change her" then he said " what if she was gay? You couldn't change that so think of her stubbornness as something that is unchangeable too"
    The most iroinic part is the day he said that is the day I found the texts.
    But my husband is the hold it in type. He may see something but won't say anything because he doesn't know for sure and doesn't want to cause undue worry.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2017 at 10:10 AM ----------

    The day after he said that about me not changing her and after I found those texts is the day I asked him what he would do if he found out our kids were gay. I just asked him since he brought up the gay question what his thoughts on it was. He said he wouldn't be happy about it but he wants his kids around so he wouldn't say anything to them
     
  14. Creativemind

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    Hmmmm....if he wouldn't be entirely happy with it, I don't know if telling him is a good idea. Sure, he wouldn't do anything to harm her, but I'm sure it would change the family dynamic and she might pick up on the fact that he knows.

    You're doing a great job being supportive, but it is a difficult situation.
     
  15. Dentalfloss

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    I never thought of it like that but I can't say I'm thrilled with it all.
    My question is, wouldn't it be better to let him know ahead of time so he can come to tems with it before she comes out . That way he won't be caught off guard and say something he might regretting her ?
     
  16. Creativemind

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    Actually, that could be an option too. I didn't think about it. If he doesn't know until she tells him, he could explode on her too! So maybe you're right and he should come to terms with it first.

    Personally, I don't think It's a problem that you guys aren't thrilled about it as long as tolerance is given. As a lesbian myself, I would be quite unhappy to have a straight daughter compared to a lesbian daughter, not only for purely selfish reasons, but for social worries. I would just have to suck it up and support her anyway, especially since the odds aren't favorable. I think a good straight parent would do that for their gay kid too.
     
  17. WarmEmbrace

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    In my experience actions taken out of pure anxiety or fear have the tendency to backfire. Make sure you let that anxiety dissipate, think this through and whatever you decide, don't do it out of fear, but because you are convinced it is right thing to do.


    The aspect of not being thrilled about it or being downright worried or disappointed often stems for expectations that we tend to build, when those expectations are not being met. But this is largely self-inflicted. If we learn to have less expectations, there will be less worrying when those expectations aren't met.
    (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2017 at 11:08 PM ----------

    that goes both any type of parents, hetero gay etc. Don't expect your kid to be in a certain way. He/she is not a copy or an extension of you, he/she will be their own person. Just love him her for what he/she is :slight_smile:.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2017 at 11:09 PM ----------

    *that goes *for* any type of parents I meant :grin:
     
  18. Creativemind

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    Oh I agree, my lack of preference for a straight daughter has more to do with physical worries than actual heterophobia. For example: Risk of teen pregnancy, higher risk of STI's, more men out there that are rapists or abusers than women she would date, would probably find a harder time fitting in with other straight people if she had same sex parents, the fact than me and my partner wouldn't share her sexuality and wouldn't give her the proper advice and sexuality bond, etc.

    Straight parents probably feel the same way about their gay kids. They worry about discrimination, homophobia, and not having the experience to raise one. As long as It's not real homophobia, disappointment does not offend me. Straight parents just need to keep in mind that there are problems aspects of them their parents disliked as well.

    But a good quote I read was to "love the child you have, not the child you want"
     
  19. tgboymom

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    OH Lord.. thank you sweetie. :kiss: (hope you are doing well)... (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2017 at 06:01 PM ----------


    My kid did present as female but the older he got, the more he resisted. I thought it was a "grunge" phase or something.

    Your husband is cool. I like the way he thinks in that he knows that there are certain things about a person that cannot be changed! As far as what he says about not being happy about it......... who is? I'm sure the the child won't be happy about it either, which is why she needs love, care, understanding and unconditional acceptance from both of you. :slight_smile: It sounds to me like she'll get it. We parents might think that it's hard on us........... unless we've been through it, we can't even imagine how hard this is on our children. :frowning2: I can't imagine the stress my kid felt because he was afraid we wouldn't help financially or accept him. My kid had absolutely NO reason to think that in a million years and did admit later that the thought was somewhat irrational..... but this is an example of what might go through the minds of children who are struggling to understand themselves.

    I don't know... but I have to say that talking to my kid's father in advance was a wise move. He got a chance to be pissed and take it out on me instead of taking out his frustrations and fears on our child.

    Yours is only 12. Honestly, she could change her mind 10 x about how she wants to identify herself before she's settled. She could be bi, she could be gay... hey.. she could be straight and is just experimenting!!! I know it's tough to wait around for answers (I'm like that too), but if the child doesn't have an answer.... what can you do? All you can do is enjoy your daughter day to day. To me, sexuality is such a private matter so when she's sure, and she feels safe and secure, she'll come to you. :slight_smile:

    Whether or not to talk to your husband in advance... ooooh.... that's so up to you. Actually, you really don't know for sure right now. So far you saw a text saying "i love you too". What if that's just a "friend"?

    It sounds to me like your husband loves this child just as much as you do. No?

    (*hug*)