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Intro from Bunnydee

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bunnydee, Dec 28, 2016.

  1. bunnydee

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    Hi everyone! I finally registered after stalking the forum incognito for awhile.
    I am a 45yo female who is living a lie. I am a lesbian and have known since I was 12-13. I posted some comments on other posts before doing this intro so some of you may know my story already.

    I am in my 2nd marriage to a man. Family issues/beliefs and my own insecurities of becoming an outcast has kept me from living the life I want.I am not 'unhappy' in my marriage. Just doing the daily humdrum of my life that I chose. I was lucky that I married someone I thought of as a friend, although he is in love with me. Personally I have never been attracted to men, only to the sense of elation from them finding me attractive. Sexually there is no interest for me with men, more of a chore to keep the lie going.

    I have two children, one already grown from the 1st marriage; one soon to be grown in another 6 years or so. I love my kids and I love being a mom. I have finally stopped lying to myself and have come to terms with who I am-sexual preferences and all. I have spent a lot of time figuring me out and where I see myself in the future.

    I think what finally got me to this point of acceptance was a remark my mother made at a pto meeting. She asked the chairperson if there were any 'gay' teachers because she didn't want her grandchild around that. My entire mind, body, and soul wanted to shout at her "Well she has a gay mother so there you go." But instead I calmly informed her it didn't matter what a person's sexual preference was - we have no right to know that. We just need a good teacher. So that is just a little bit of why I have hidden in the shadows and lived a lie. Dealt with comments like that most of my life from her.

    I go back and forth about the benefits of my coming out, divorcing and starting my life, or continuing on with the charade til my youngest is grown. At this time, I feel best to wait it out. I chose this life so I think it can wait a little longer to save unnecessary tribulations. My marriage is basically roommates as it is. He works night shift so there is little interaction. I do consider him a dear friend and hate what this will put him through. But my child is really my only concern. The rest we will get through and remain friends or not.

    So that is me in a nutshell. Any questions, just ask. I am pretty straightforward. Introvert at heart but amazingly extroverted online. I think most people are more open online though.
     
  2. Really

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    Hi bunnydee,

    Welcome to EC! I'm sure you'll find lots of similar stories here and great people to talk to.
    Stick around and keep posting. :thumbsup:
     
  3. Quantumreality

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    Hello bunnydee! Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:
     
  4. baristajedi

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    Welcome to EC :welcome:

    Keep posting! Lots of us here have only started acknowledging who we are while in straight marriages. I'm sure you'll find lots of support here :slight_smile:
     
  5. micheline

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    Hi Bunnydee!

    I'm new here too, still going through old threads. Tons of wonderful people and good advice on here. I, too, am currently in a straight marriage and trying to build up the courage to come out to my husband. Eeek!
     
  6. Landgirl

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    Hi Bunnydee. What you are describing sounds exactly like the state of my marriage a couple of years ago. I waited until my son was grown up, because he has asd, and left when I was 55. Your description of seeing your husband as a friend, whilst he is in love with you, sounds just like my situation.

    I have found it immensely helpful, in those "is it only me who feels this/does that" moments to have the support and validation for my feelings, observations, and situation that EC gives. I wish you well in your journey.
     
  7. bunnydee

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    Thanks Landgirl.

    Hard question maybe - How hard was it for you to re-adjust at 55? I would be at least 50 - although no one can believe I am in my 40's thanks to family gene pool. I look like I am in my 30's. Divorce in itself is difficult enough. Throw in age and new lifestyle being out of the closet, to me would seem to be more so. I am thinking through how to approach it with my husband. I do not want to hurt him more than necessary. I already feel so guilty living the lie knowing I am taking away years he could be searching for a true love.

    My first divorce was horrible to say the least. I didn't so much as come out to him as my bi friend who I drunk one night came onto and spilled my story too, so she blurted it out to my then husband that I was lesbian and more. I don't want to put my now husband through that. He is a wonderful man and I am sorry he fell in love with me.
     
  8. CROSSY ROAD

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    Hello, friend! Welcome to EC! I'm Crossy Road, but most call me Cross. You'll see me around a lot, guaranteed.
     
  9. Tx87

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    I'm only 32 but I've been in serious denial it took me until I was 30 to admit to myself that I am gay, despite the obvious attractions. I was around 11-12when I first started to really notice girls.
     
  10. jadey95

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    Welcome to EC! I'm around the forums often if you need someone to talk to. I am sure there are plenty of those in a similar situation that can be of assistance to you.
     
  11. stretching

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    I hear ya! My husband is a lovely man, and he really wasn't with anyone before me so I think he put all his hopes and dreams in to our relationship. He wants to please me sexually so bad, but it just turns me off and i feel so guilty. I am torn between needing him (mainly to help raise the children), and yet wishing he could find his actual soulmate (or at least someone sexually compatible), and then I would have the benefit of not being stuck in a lie about my own sexual orientation. Sigh.