Need peoples experiences' with sexuality questioning

1) I never really questioned myself, it was just a matter of coming out.
2) I had huge crushes on straight women. I didn't really test my sexuality, either, it was just kinda.... There.
3) I lied to myself, and am still lying to myself about my gender. I feel like this when I haven't come out to my parents or important friends.
4) I kinda always knew I liked women, and men, since I was young. I had a crush on a girl I lived with in sixth grade, a girl at camp over the summer of my with grade year.
5) I simply don't care about social norms. All of the people I care about accept me, and that's all I need. I have a very, if you don't like me suck it attitude.

 

1) After I started questioning, it took me about a month to figure out that I am certainly into women. It took another month to fully accept it. Now, two months later, I am still not sure where exactly on the spectrum I fall. But I am certainly not exclusively into men or women. And I really don't care anymore which label fits me best or which genders I'll be attracted to in the future. I just try to enjoy what I feel at the moment. Of course, doubt kicks in sometimes, but it usually vanishes again after a while.

2) First of all: Writing my thoughts down. Besides that: Reading about other peoples' experiences (e.g. here on EC) and getting my thoughts off the whole topic in between by doing stuff I enjoy.

3) Yes, I do. I sometimes think that I am just a lesbian in denial or a transguy in denial. But these episodes have become less in the last few weeks. I guess deep down I know who I am.

4) Regarding questioning: I really don't know. It's like questioning silently sneaked into my life. I remember thinking 'I guess I could be with a woman' when I saw a lesbian couple in a movie. Strangely enough, this didn't make me question my sexuality. The real process began after I started uni this year and moved out. I remember being intrigued by youtube videos about lgbt+ people though I didn't really know why. I began to wonder about it. I guess that's when I really started questioning. Gender came first. Sexuality followed shortly afterwards.
Regarding realization: Writing my thoughts down and suddenly getting aroused by the thought of a random girl. That was basically my moment of insight.

5) Well, I'm only out to a very small number of people, so I guess I can't give you a lot of advice on that topic. I think the more you accept your sexuality yourself, the less you will care about social norms or other peoples' opinions on it. At least that has been my experience.

 

1) Several years. I started questioning my sexuality for the first time at 14. I thought I could be bi or bicurious, but realized I was a lesbian at 19. I never actually liked men, I only liked them as a cover. So that was about 5 years of questioning.

2) Relied on my fantasies and hypothetical situations. I still never slept or dated with anyone, but I KNOW in my heart what I like now.

3) When I tried to convince myself to like men, yes.

4) A crush on a fictional character when I was young. Then it escalated into crushes on real girls.

5) I've had to learn to grow a spine and not listen to what everyone else wanted. It's a lot easier said than done. Coming from a supportive family made it easier.

 

1) It's hard to say because while I haven't figured out my sexuality, I've since given up on questioning. I identified as bisexual for about two years until recently, when I realised just how complicated my sexuality really is. I've since ditched labelling my sexuality, though sometimes I tell people that I'm bisexual/pansexual depending on how much they know about the LGBT community.

2) Thought about things. A LOT. Lived my life and took mental notes of my feelings of attraction towards different genders. Experimented with different people, noticing my attraction/lack of attraction towards them.

3) Yes, when I first came out as bi. For some reason all my same-sex attraction disappeared for several weeks immediately after coming out, so I panicked and thought that I was actually straight. But it eventually came back.

4) Contemplating life, as usual. I began to wonder about sexualities (eg. "at what point does attraction stop being ordinary same-sex attraction, instead becoming actual homo/bisexuality?"). Then I realised that the definition of heterosexuality includes not feeling ANY attraction to the same gender. So you could say that the revelation was pretty sudden for me, because although I knew all along that I felt attracted to the same gender as well as the opposite, I had somehow convinced myself all straight people felt the same way.

5) Ignore it. Challenge it if necessary. Point out how stupid it is to people who try to enforce it.

 

1. Years, 7 years because of confusion with finding someone attractive and true attraction, denial, and the feelings about myself and my parents. I got my first long term crush on a girl when I was 11, I didn't really think I'd end up gay, because I could notice that a guy was handsome and quite frankly, I thought I was "too normal" to be gay. I grew up in a very...traditional family, I was raised in a bucket, to be innocent. My family didn't talk about gay people so when I was fairly young, I didn't even know that lesbians existed. Age 11-12 this was my mindset "I can find boys cute and I'm too normal" At 13, it hit me that these were real feelings that didn't seem like they were going to go away. I realized that I was mostly likely a lesbian and I've never been more upset or afraid in my life. At 14, I got a girlfriend, and would have identified as a lesbian. After we broke up I was lost, but reading my own feelings and experiences since I can say with fair confidence and could at 18 that I'm a lesbian.

2. When I was young I had to ignore it or all I could feel was shame and self loathing. However, I'd ask lesbians online if they thought I was a lesbian based on my feelings and most said yes, but I'd get so..mad almost when they said yes, I hated myself. I wanted to be straight, but I didn't. I wanted to be normal, but I didn't want to be with a guy. After, I accepted myself and got a girlfriend, I accepted that I was a lesbian or at least strongly preferred women, I didn't think about it then either, I just had a girlfriend who I cared deeply about and that sufficed. When I was truly curious about my sexuality, I asked other lesbians, again, this time 6 or 7 years later willing to accept that I am. I took the Kinsey scale test and I truly weighed out and thought about my physical, sexual, and emotional attraction to both men and women. I realized that men were missing something to me, I could find a man's face physically attractive, but other than that I'm just not attracted to men in that way.

3. I was lying to myself and deep down, even at the time I knew it. My brain was fighting between "You're either a lesbian or you're confused" and I chose to be confused rather than accept and call myself a lesbian.

4. The questioning started way before age 11. I questioned how I felt for certain girls that were in my glass in elementary school. I questioned how I liked these girls, if girls could like girls, I can remember being 8 years old thinking if I was the only girl in the world that felt this way. I think I always knew I "liked" girls, but it was just something that..."Oh well, people don't do that. Mom and dad say I'll grow up to marry a guy. Which doesn't sound pleasing, but maybe it will at the time"

5. I don't really know, I don't feel any now. I know it went away when I had a girlfriend, but after we broke up, it kind of came back but not to a full extent. I think I just had to go through self acceptance and I'm not sure how that came about

 

1) How long did your questioning process last?
About a year, but I only had one panic attack over it. After that, I embraced my sexuality almost completely. I started questioning at age 13. I came out to a few people at age 14.

2) What did you do to help yourself figure out your sexuality?
A close friend of mine (who had feelings for me) kissed me. That was the first time I ever saw "fireworks" from a kiss. That's when I knew I liked girls. Over time, I realized I'm a lesbian.

3) Did you ever feel like you were lying to yourself?
No, not at all. I know for a fact that I like women. They make me feel ecstatic and like I'm on Cloud 9.

4) What first made you question/realize your sexuality?
I always daydreamed about women more than men. I only thought I liked guys because I was raised to believe that being straight was the only way to be. Then I started having crushes on women (at the time, I didn't really know they were crushes).

5) How to get over the social pressure to be straight?
I'm still dealing with this pressure, especially at home. I told my mom I was bisexual (even though I'm a lesbian) and she freaked out. So I lied and said it was just a phase. So now she believes I'm straight again. I just don't think I could ever tell her the truth.

 

1) How long did your questioning process last?

From age 14 to 21. Still going but I have accepted that I can't label myself, that it is very complicated, and I need to just get out there and experience more. Coming out to people has helped me to begin to find peace with myself.

2) What did you do to help yourself figure out your sexuality?

Comparing my crushes on girls with my crushes on guys, and the experience of making out with a girl and how everything made sense, the rush I felt despite being so drunk I couldn't remember her face the next day.

3) Did you ever feel like you were lying to yourself?

All the time. Now I feel I am because I am dating a guy, but I'm enjoying it and learning about myself. Part of me suspects that later down the line when (I am going to make it happen at some point) I sleep with a girl it will suddenly click like it did with that kiss, and I could very well evolve into a lesbian.

4) What first made you question/realise your sexuality?

A dream I had when I was 14 of kissing this girl I liked. I got woken up halfway through and was so upset that it'd been interrupted. Also same age, crying that if only I was a boy I knew I could make this one girl (different one) so happy. And yeah, a ton of other stuff.. that was only the beginning!

5) How to get over the social pressure to be straight

Not over it. But I always challenge homophobia, try to associate with liberal people, go to liberal events, and reading stuff on here makes me feel more normal.

 

1) How long did your questioning process last?
A few months I think?

2) What did you do to help yourself figure out your sexuality?
I analyzed how I felt about people, if I was really attracted to them or not. I also looked up experiences of lesbians to see if I could relate. I figured out that if you're definitely sure that you're into girls, but you're uncertain and confused about your feelings for guys, you're probably a lesbian.

3) Did you ever feel like you were lying to yourself?
Only when I believed I was straight.

4) What first made you question/realise your sexuality?
I first questioned my sexuality when I randomly pictured myself kissing a girl, and the thought of that was way more pleasant than the thought of me kissing a guy.

5) How to get over the social pressure to be straight
I haven't really struggled with that. Even though my family is homophobic, I'm just glad I get to be apart of a community like this one.

 

... A few seconds, I think...

Read the theory... And then...

Never. It was all loud & clear from the very beginning.

A very attractive (to me) schoolmate got under my skin. It was new to me.

I don't feel any, but I am also not gay, and I don't discuss my sexual affairs everywhere I go IRL. Friends and family know, they are okay with it, I'm okay with it... And I couldn't care less what the rest of the world thinks about my sexual life, so... What pressure?

 

1) How long did your questioning process last?
I never had a doubt. I always have found women sexually attractive. With men, I enjoy them being attracted to me, nothing more.

2) What did you do to help yourself figure out your sexuality?
My first sexual experience was with a female friend. It was amazing and felt 'right'. With men, it is a chore feeling. Maybe heated at first because they are attracted to you and their pheromones overwhelm, but still when you get down to it - nothing.

3) Did you ever feel like you were lying to yourself?
Sometimes because of my upbringing and family. I wanted to be straight for them. So there were times I would convince myself, I'll be straight - all the while I was dreaming about the life I should be living. But not anymore, at least not to myself, just to everyone else. I am living a lie for the sake of others.

4) What first made you question/realise your sexuality?
Why the need for labels or questions? When you fantasize who do you want? Who do you feel the most comfortable with, who do you want to be with? Do you need a label?

5) How to get over the social pressure to be straight
I haven't made it that far in life yet. I am married to a man who I love dearly as a friend and have a child together. My suggestion is to figure it out now, and do what makes you happy. Don't live for how others will think of you or for others.

 

1) How long did your questioning process last?

I was in denial for a very long time. I don't think I ever had a questioning period, but rather a suppressing period (if that makes any sense).

2) What did you do to help yourself figure out your sexuality?

It was easier for me to accept myself once I moved out of my parent's home. I still suppressed it for normalcy reasons, but all I saw was girls.

3) Did you ever feel like you were lying to yourself?

All the time.


4) What first made you question/realise your sexuality?

For me, it was on a blind date with a man. He kissed me, and I felt nothing. I had to push him off of me because I didn't like it.

What made me realize I was gay without a doubt, was when I went on a date with a girl, because I figured all my crushes were on women, maybe i like them. And when she kissed me, it was like everything made sense.


5) How to get over the social pressure to be straight

That's a hard one. Most of my family is anti-gay. But I do have 1 friend who is a lesbian and talking with her helps.

 

1) How long did your questioning process last?
Up from the time I was 13 until now. (I'm 21.) I figured I was straight for a long time and suppressed my feelings. Then I figured I was pan, now I believe I am bi. (Slight difference, but there's a difference to me)

2) What did you do to help yourself figure out your sexuality?
Take the time to sort out my feelings. Figure out what I like and dislike. Who I'm into, etc. Tell myself to stop living in denial. Learn to accept myself and that it's okay to not be straight.

3) Did you ever feel like you were lying to yourself?
Yes, about being straight. I told myself my crush on a friend was just a friend crush. That's when I realized that I was lying to myself.

4) What first made you question/realise your sexuality?
My close friend in 8th grade. At the time I was partially woman aligned in gender and she made me realize that I also like women, besides other genders.

5) How to get over the social pressure to be straight
Realizing that it is okay to be gay, bi, pan, etc. That just because it's common doesn't mean it's what everyone has to be. Everyone is different and that's okay. Having loving support around you and/or online. Knowing there are others similar to you.

 

1) I started my questioning process almost a year ago at age 19. I was overcoming some self esteem issues, and one day I looked in the mirror and realized that I had thought that, because my vagina was disgusting, didn't mean other women's were. It was a fun "oh shoot I'm gay" moment. (I now find my vagina perfectly acceptable. It was a process.) I'm at the same point - probably a lesbian but not sure - so I won't answer 2. I've come to the point where I'm going to stick to the attracted to women train and if I fall in love with a guy, I fall in love with a guy and we'll date if he's interested. I might never know for sure, but if I end up happily in love with a woman one day, I don't think I'll care if she might've had a male counterpart. But that's just me in this never ending process.

3) Sometimes I do feel like I'm lying to myself - more so at the beginning than now. Lesbian and me didn't quite mix. I don't feel like a lesbian. Lesbians are confident people that show up in movies and usually have a tragic life. I'm boring. I also felt/feel like I have to prove that I'm a lesbian when I say or think it. Like, if I said I was a doctor, I could show you the papers proving that I was a doctor. Sometime I feel like an imposter. The thing is, while lesbian might feel wrong, I'm attracted to women. I've wanted to engage in romantic activities with women. I cannot be platonically romantically attracted to another girl. It's something I sometimes have to remind myself. It's also a bit stressful because when I have doubts, I wonder how I'd explain to all the people who supported me and, even worse, to all the people who aren't supporting me, that I'm actually straight. But again, attracted to women - can't be straight.

4) That moment I overcame a bunch of my personal body-hatred, staring into that mirror. The previous year, there was a girl that I wanted to go to prom with, hold hands with, cuddle with, etc. and I was extremely jealous of her boyfriend. Looking back, I probably should have known then. Better late than never, I guess.

5) This one is hard. My mom is really supportive, don't get me wrong, but I think she's holding onto the hope that I'm bi and will date guys. (It helps that I'm pretty sure she hopes this for my sake and not her own.) Sometimes I want to be straight for her, but I'm not. My relationship with one of my sisters is currently a tangled mess of hurt and horribleness. She's convinced - and has apparently told people - that I'm not a virgin now that I'm gay, which is just offensive, because coming out does not equal sex and I'd prefer she did not tell people about her bizarre opinions on my sex life and lesbians. Boundaries, honestly - and she doesn't even believe lesbian sex is really sex, so how can I lose my virginity? Anyways, I've lived in the closet - even though I didn't know I was there - and it sucked. Since coming out, I'm more comfortable. I'll never have to date a guy I'm not attracted to again. My world has changed. I love my family, but I love being happy more than I need their approval. If they don't love me enough to accept me, then I don't love them enough to be miserable. I know it's not as easy as that, but it's the mindset I try to stick to when I'm crying in my room and vowing to declare my sister's sex life to a whole restaurant in revenge. (Honestly, why does the waiter need to know that I'm gay and not a virgin? Why?!)

This is probably not helpful, but I wouldn't put to much energy into it. Attraction is weird and unquantifiable. It'll never be all that clear. I'd recommend finding someone to talk about it in person with, if it continues to bother you. I talked to a school counselor and it was a great experience. But you don't know asap. You really only need to know if you're attracted to the people you're dating. Otherwise, you've got loads of time - your whole lifetime! Also, if people are giving you a hard time, I'd suggest calling them out on it and talking to your supporters about it. My sister usually shuts up after I tell her - politely - that she's being offensive. And she really stops after my mother tells her she's being offensive. And when my friends affirm to me that my sister is being offensive and it's not all in my head, that's even better.

Good luck!

 

1) How long did your questioning process last?
i dont think i ever went thru a time where i questioned my sexuality? one day i realized i had a crush on someone of the opposite gender, and realized "o man, im not straight"

2) What did you do to help yourself figure out your sexuality?
there was some thinking involved and recalling back to past experiences with people, like what i like in them, or what i find attractive. once i figured all that out, it was just connecting the dots.

3) Did you ever feel like you were lying to yourself?
nope. i knew what i felt was genuine attraction, so there was no getting around myself.

4) What first made you question/realise your sexuality?
when i kissed my friend's head and thought "wait why did i do that, why do i feel attraction??" LOL

5) How to get over the social pressure to be straight
probably not a sound way to go about it, but i just straight up disregard it, or chuckle at it. i find it kinda ridiculous tbh.

 

1) How long did your questioning process last?
I would say it really kicked into full gear my junior year of high school and ended with my coming out my third year of college. What can I say? I struggle with making big decisions (or at least accepting that something is out of my hands entirely, in my case).

2) What did you do to help yourself figure out your sexuality?
It's cringeworthy, but a lot of reading horrible lesbian romance novels and watching all those really bad lesbian shows and movies. And yeah, I did google "How to know if you're gay" once or twice. None of that works, by the way. For me, a lot of self evaluation and soul searching did the trick. Oh, and also the MASSIVE crush I had on my history professor that last semester in college. There was no getting past that. That was probably what tipped me out of the closet at last. I realized I was never going to have that for a man.

3) Did you ever feel like you were lying to yourself?
Yes. About being gay and then about being straight and back and forth.

4) What first made you question/realise your sexuality?
Losing my religion was the big one. I went to a private highly religious Christian high school in the south and then continued to attend college also in the south. I was the model young closeted Republican; I said and did a lot of things at the time that looking back I'm ashamed of. Christianity (not that I'm blaming it solely for my behavior) gave me a weapon to use both against myself and others under the logic that it's not the lust that's the sin, but acting on it. In favor of not being long-winded about it: It was a combination of not believing the man in the sky was going to send me to hell and realizing that continuing to pretend to be someone I wasn't was hell as it was.

5) How to get over the social pressure to be straight
It's hard. It's very hard. Especially if you live in a place that is less than accepting. For me: I moved. New place and new people helped me weed out the toxic people that told me I was other than legitimate. It's not possible for everyone, but it's probably what helped me most if I'm being honest. It's a lot easier to cut people out of your life if it's just removing them from your social media, harder to do when you see them every day in a small town.

 

@PennyT
Can I quote your statement above on my wall here? I am putting quotes there that I don't want to forget. Kind of mantras for me to remember to get through tough times.
I can now post to my wall