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Feeling Bad After Conversation w/ Stepmom

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by FalconBlueSky00, Dec 26, 2016.

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  1. FalconBlueSky00

    FalconBlueSky00
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    Stepmoms been in my life for a long time and has been one of the better family members, but today I had a very disappointing conversation with her that has left me feeling pretty depressed.

    It started out with my own curiosity. My stepsister's half brother was engaged to marry a woman who canceled the wedding because she came out to him as a lesbian. They later got reengaged and I was wondering if they actually got married. So a asked and when she said they did, I expressed my dismay and how they would both probably suffer because of that decision. She had made a face like it was a mistake right before I said that. Apparently the face wasn't in sympathy but was a homophobic expression because she's grossed out by her. She then started asking me questions about who I thought marriage should be between, what I thought the Bible said, and Sodom and Gomorrah was mentioned and a whole lot else. It was extremely unpleasant, I was nervous and a bit panicked and concentrated on trying to keep my face neutral and just answered with as much dignity and compassion as I could bring up.

    At the end of the conversation she switched to what hurts as much or more than the intolerant judgmental things she said. She said "You are determined to be oppositional to whatever I say. If I say something is white you will say it's black. You have always been this way. You try so hard to stay in your own little space where you feel safe instead of listening to what others around you have to say." I answered that I just thought that we were really different and saw the world differently. And that I would rather be more normal and just fit in because it would be easier. She said back that I was normal and something along the lines of I was just being difficult.

    It got to me, and I suspect it was designed to do so. To make me the bad guy when logic ran up against her beliefs. It felt like she was basically calling me self centered. (Something my abuseive mom used on me as a kid, it's a trigger for sure.)

    I'm not out to my family, mostly because I've never felt emotionally safe with them. And I thought things had been getting better and was hoping that I would find some acceptance with them. I feel like I'm back to square one and I'm just going to have to tell them to accept me or get out of my life.

    I've lost connection, with most of my family because of violence. And I feel like I'm loosing my extended family with the divorce I'm going through. I don't feel like I have the support of a large section of LGBT people because I'm not gay enough, and even the most supportive straight freinds I've got really just don't get a lot of what I'm feeling. There is probably a good dose of feeling sorry for myself in here too, but I feel very alone right now.

    I just had to get these feelings out somewhere, so thanks for reading.
     
    #1 FalconBlueSky00, Dec 26, 2016
  2. Sebby45

    Sebby45
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    Sounds like your Stepmom is the one with the white and black thinking here. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but opinions are just your personal thoughts. They don't have to be used as argumentative weapons.

    I'm sorry you are going through a troubled time with a divorce, and a violent/emotionally unavailable family. You have a lot on your plate. Not to mention your friends. What does it even mean to be "gay enough"? Honestly. You are, or you are not. Simple as that.

    However, I am glad for you that you stood your ground when questioned, and did so with dignity. You didn't take the bait. I am also glad that you were able to open up to EC and vent a bit. It is highly important to let our emotions out. Otherwise intolerable anger and bitterness builds.

    I can't give you any advice, but I hope that your future holds better things.

    Sebby45
     
    #2 Sebby45, Dec 26, 2016
  3. yuanzi

    yuanzi
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    Bunny45, a lot of what you said sounded really familiar unfortunately (mostly the being difficult/self-centered part and intentionally making everyone unhappy). My family used that a lot when I was younger whenever we had any disagreement on anything. The younger me always fell for this trick and instantly felt guilty for being disobedient/ungrateful. I don't think my family even realized that they were emotionally black-mailing me because that was the only/most effective parenting method they knew of.

    You should keep moving forward though. Your family may or may not come around but you probably don't have the time to wait (and why should you?). I also understand your feeling that nobody (gay or straight) is supportive enough or supportive in the right way. I used to feel that all the time. Then gradually I realized that it was not because they did not want to but because I was sad and mildly depressed and they were relatively happy, and the happy brains simply could not grasp the strange ideas that a sad brain came up with... I became a lot happier after starting to accept and love myself. (It took years though.) Not saying this is also true in your case but it never hurts to love yourself a little more, right?
     
    #3 yuanzi, Dec 27, 2016
  4. Gamma5

    Gamma5
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    Firstly, good for you for standing your ground and remaining calm... I tend to try to hold back if someone is annoying me then eventually just ranting at them until they shut up, and this never ends very well. I'm sorry about your stepmother making you feel bad, that's not acceptable. Honestly I'd love to give advice but I know every family is different and sometimes it's hard to challenge someone's views without disrupting everything. But I find that very often when people want to win an argument or manipulate you they make you feel guilty by making it seem as though you're self centred or selfish, which of course causes a reaction because most people strive to be the opposite. As for the LGBT community not supporting you, I'm getting increasingly frustrated at there being not enough support or recognition for bi people. I don't understand how I someone who is completely fine with being gay or lesbian doesn't view bisexuality to be a true sexual orientation, it doesn't make any sense! At least you have EC, which is always a good place to rant. I hope you don't let others get you down and remain strong:slight_smile:
     
    #4 Gamma5, Dec 27, 2016
  5. FalconBlueSky00

    FalconBlueSky00
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    Thanks for the responses and support, it means a lot. I have fallen into a little bit of a depression after that conversation with my stepmom, and the support you've offered means a lot. Thank you.
     
    #5 FalconBlueSky00, Dec 30, 2016
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