Hi everyone. I just looked at when I actually posted here last and it was about two years ago… I’ve been lurking around but I always feel I’m really in a position to give advice so I never really post anything. Since I last posted (I hade just come out to two or three friends) I’ve been taking baby steps towards having a happy life. I moved countries to Germany, to a very gay-friendly city, I started therapy to deal not only with this but also with my social anxiety issues and I thought all was going well. I am out to everyone at work and have no problem coming out to people I meet in this new place. I mean, I still haven’t been with a man, which I feel leaves a huge gap in my life, but I am finding it really hard to make friends, let alone date and I’m scared beyond anything of dating apps. And I have no friends despite already being here six months (blame that one on the language and the social anxiety). So yes, life could be a lot better abut I thought I was slowly moving forward. Christmas comes, I fly back to rural catholic land and, after 33 years, I decided it was time to tell my mum. All I have to say is I really really regret doing it. All the guilt, shame and sadness I’ve been working so hard to overcome came flooding back in. I got comments like “Don’t tell me that”, “I am disappointed”, “Darkness just took over my soul and I’ll never be happy”, “Do other people know? Don’t tell this to anyone.”, “I hope I don’t live to see the day when the country becomes progressive”, “It’s not normal. Why did you choose to be this way? You just have to fight it”, “I won’t tell your dad. I’d rather suffer alone. I’ll take this secret to the grave with me”. There was more, much more. No anger, just sadness and disappointment. The worse of it is that I love her. And I feel she’s hurting, she’s depressed, she’ll just bottle it all up and live in misery forever, it’s just the kind of person she is. I caused that and I can’t change it. I thought loneliness and depression were bad, but I don’t think I’ve ever been this sad in my life. I actually came close to crying when she told me “I’ll never be happy again”, which means a lot because it’s been years since I last cried for anything. Suddenly I don’t see a future, I don’t see a boyfriend, I don’t see a companion… I see the back of the closet again. I see all the Christmas adds with the families and the children (And my cousins’ childrens) and all I see is the happiness and ‘normal life’ I robbed my mum of (unfair on myself, I know, but that is how I feel). I just don’t know how or where to be anymore. I feel trapped here and when I leave I’m going to be feeling guilty and sad for leaving her like this. I’m going to see a few friends in a couple of days, hopefully that will help. I’m leaving again for Germany after new year’s and I just feel like I’m coming back to the empty house that has been the home of my loneliness and depression with this extra weight on top of me. I know it is recent and blown out of proportion but for some reason this bad experience has managed to counter all the good ones in one go. It just feels like the end of all nice prospects I had for my life. Overly dramatic, maybe, but that is how it feels to me. Sorry for the long post. Sorry for only posting after so long but I really needed to say something to someone and everyone here has always been very kind to everyone I’ve read in the past few years.
Sometimes people say stuff like that when they get that initial shock reaction but not always they really mean it. I would't take it too seriously. Just keep the communication channels open and eventually she might come to terms with it and maybe even accept you as you are. There are lots of such cases where the situation improves over time. Just don't stake your happiness in it happening, keep doing your own stuff in the meantime. Viel Glück in Germany!
Thanks for your kind words, it means a lot to have any kind of support at this stage. I don't know what else to do and I just feel lost at the moment. More lost than when I was in the closet or just coming out. Today is two days after I told her. I woke up at 8:30 to go to the toilet and I could hear muffled sobs so I went to check on my her. My dad had left to go to the city to sort out some stuff. She was just in bed crying uncontrolably. I lied in bed with her for over hour, trying to reassure her, comfort her, letting her know I love her. Still, the same things that hurt me so much without being said to hurt me were being said. That she doesn’t understand it, that she will never understand it, that I she wants me to be happy and I should just go be happy and forget about them, that she doesn’t want anyone to know and judge and point (‘What are people going to think’), that she’ll suffer on her own, that she doesn’t know if she can handle it, that if she told my dad he would be extremely sad as well and she'd rather he didn’t know, that all her dreams have been crushed and she has no more dreams, that she doesn’t feel like leaving the house and facing people anymore even though no one knows. I tried reasoning with her in some things, but curse this country and curse the (wrong) teachings of the catholic church, her mind is so set on what is ‘wrong’ that she can’t see there may be another way. And I know her. I know she’ll cry every night and won’t sleep, I know she’ll live in sadness for the rest of her life. And I’m not here. And even if I were I can’t do anything. I don’t know what to do. I told her I should never had said anything. Even though she had some suspicions, even after finding some of my gay porn at some point, her dreams of a wife, grandchildren were so strong she was still willing to believe I was straight… She refuses to talk to anyone else, she’d rather just bottle it up. I hate myself for doing this to her. I knew in my heart she wouldn’t get it but I thought other people, who kept telling me I should come out to her, that everything would be ok, knew better than me because they were not emotionally attached. Now that I’ve done it I’m questioning whether it was worth it. I can’t think about being happy knowing what is in her heart. I can’t think of building my happiness on top of my her misery. I just can’t see how I can do it knowing that because I’m happy she is not. I can't stop thinking about it, I can't stop thinking of the pain I cause and will continue causing her. I thought coming out to other people was hard, I thought living on my own with no friends or anyone was hard… But I think now I know what misery feels like.
You are not responsible for your mum's happiness and you didn't do this to her, it's her beliefs that are to blame. We are all here to learn and grow as a soul and she wouldn't without you telling her. She needs to find her way to overcome those beliefs and to understand. You feeling miserable and guilty won't help her at all, instead show her you can have that happiness she wants for you when living openly as a gay man. (*hug*)
Hi Kalopsia, This sounds really harrowing but here's some points to consider: 1. Your role in life isn't to actually cower to your mother's needs. You can love her (even in spite of her homophobia) but her happiness is HER responsibility; it isn't yours. By choosing to take this on your shoulders, you're basically agreeing to act in accordance with her beliefs so she can be happy. I think it's important to draw a line and recognize that your journey must take you beyond living according to her principles. Real freedom begins when we start to forge our own path based on our OWN beliefs and principles. 2. I think many of us face issues throughout life with boundaries. Is it actually possible to love someone even though their perspective is limited? Can we live our truth and allow them to stay in theirs even if it seems so alien to us? I feel this must be a life lesson for you. To learn to walk in your own shoes and take your true path while still loving your mother...but learning the difference between love and codependence. Love is wanting her to be happy. Love is feeling concern for her and praying for her. Codependence is shrinking to live in a tiny box to suit her needs and never growing into all that you could be. 3. If you grew up in a different town at a different time your mom could well have had very different views on homosexuality. That's ALL that has shaped her view here. As times continue to change and acceptance of homosexuality increases, there's no question her views could change too. 4. She was and is being manipulative in how she's behaving about this. She'll never be happy again? Wow. That's so not fair, mom! Would you put that on your own child? Is she actually being adult and fair about this? 5. I face my own family's homophobia often enough. I try to discern the difference between loving them for who they are and accepting the challenge to grow into being my own person. I honestly can't say enough good things about prayer. Your future is just beginning. Let your mom make her OWN CHOICES and live her life how she wants to. You go out (back to Germany!) and make your choices according to who you are and become all you want to be. You deserve a full life. Good luck
Thanks for perspective. I think I really need some right now. I knew I could count on EC to provide that. I've been talking to some friends through texts and even though I still feel like crap the fog is slowly lifting. As you might have gathered, it's a family trait that we turn drama up to 11... Worse than that, in our own heads we live it like it is 11. We slip into depression very easily. I know I will eventually be fine. One way or another, I always bounce back. I just worry for her. You are right I can't live my life for my parents, they had their life and lived their happiness, it's time I live mine. But I worry for her, a lot. The fact that she refuses to talk to anyone because the shame is so big and she doesn't want anyone to know and therefore has no one to share the burden with. And even though you might be right that she is manipulating me, I know she is doing it unintentionally. I hurt seeing her hurting and feeling like she'll just continue hurting for a long time. I think it would almost have been better if there was kicking and screaming. But all there was was resignation, sadness and despair. I the end I was just holding her while she cried uncontrollably and telling her that I love her. I just wish there was more I could do. Anyway, I think I'm starting to go around in circles in here as well, like I have inside my own head... Time might heal everything. But for now things are very rough. I think this coming out was a shock for me as well because I knew it would be hard on her but I didn't expect neither it to be so hard nor that it would hurt me this much as well. Thank you for making things even a little bit better, it means a lot.
I believe you that she doesn't intend to behave manipulatively, but that behavior shouldn't be tolerated. By that, I don't mean you should abandon her or be angry, I just mean you should love her (pray for her happiness) and find the strength to be your authentic self. You being your authentic self will plunge your mom into a whole world of meaningful lessons about life. Many that could lead her to greater happiness in herself too.
Thank you so much for your words. I am trying to just be there for her and keep her talking to me and expressing her fears and doubts. We managed to have another conversation again today in between her sobbing and I can already see some progress, so that leaves me happy. I think I might have almost convinced her to talk to other people, maybe a therapist or another doctor which really surprised me, though I'll only believe it when I see it. Anyway, I don't want to bother you guys with details, only let you know that things felt a bit better today (even though when I woke up and heard her crying again I almost lost hope) and I'm just keeping positive that I'm already seeing a bit of progress and it's only been 4 days. And that that I appreciate your advice and the opportunity to have a place with like minded people to just write stuff down and let it off my chest. It helps.
Hey Kalopsia, Hang in there. Your mom is going through the grieving process (denial-anger-baragaining-depression-acceptance). (The steps don’t always occur for any given person in that order and people sometimes go back and forth among the steps.) Remember, you’ve had your whole life to come to understand and accept your sexuality. She has grown up her whole life in an environment where she was constantly told that homosexuality is wrong and a sin. Just be quietly insistent about your sexuality and that it is not a choice nor a phase that you are going through. She has to come to terms with the fact that this is real. Continue to be patient with her. Maybe try to remind her that she should love you for who you are – her son – unconditionally. Would she still love you if you were doing illegal drugs or if you committed a murder? At least those crimes would be an indication of poor choices and bad character. Your sexuality is not a choice and doesn’t reflect on you or your value as a person. You are still the same loving son you were before you told her about your sexuality. Maybe print out some literature from online resources that help parents understand and accept their LGBTQ children (such as the PFLAG pamphlet Our Children) and when she is ready, you can provide her those resources. And, as you indicated, if you can convince her to seek outside support from a therapist or LGBTQ support group, that would be great. In the meantime, try to keep in mind that her reaction is a reflection of her upbringing and beliefs. You didn’t do anything wrong, so even though you feel bad about her pain, you can only really be there to support her when she needs it. Just as you had to go through the journey to understand and accept your sexuality by yourself, she has to come to terms with this on her own. I hope this helps a little.
Dear Kalopsia, I am sorry for what you are going through. I come from a similar religious background to you. I have grown up in a very anti-homosexual environment and background. There is a difference between you and I. I also do not agree with homosexual behaviour, although I do have same gender attractions, which I have had since childhood. This makes things very tough, as you can imagine. My stance is likely to be similar to your mother's, but because of my own experiences, i can strongly empathise with you. You may want to consider some approaches: 1. is there any way you can talk to your mum and explain to her that you understand her beliefs, but may not agree with them? This might make her more accepting of your situation. You could even mention that there are some people in life (such as myself), who struggle with these feelings but will not act on them out of commitment to their beliefs and principles. Clearly you must explain to her that you have different beliefs. There is no clear right or wrong approach. 2. I know this is a long shot, but worth suggesting: could you consider not acting on your homosexual desires? I know this is not just about your mum, but this would make her feel a lot better and more understanding of the situation. I only suggest these approaches because i know where you are coming from. I too am extremely close to my mum. When i see her hurt, I am hurt. It is very difficult to see your mum in such sadness. As the others pointed out, she may accept this in time. However, from what i know about people from myself and your mother's background, your relationship will unlikely be the same again if you are intending on pursuing this lifestyle in the long term. I could be wrong, everyone has a slightly different situation. Wishing you all the best.
