(FRUSTRATED) To the Young and Good-Looking, Gay white men...

I'll chime in and say that Chip is right. I can sort of say that as a formerly hot, young white guy I suppose. I remember when I came out I was this sort of awkward gay kid. I'd always been sort of insecure about, well, everything physical--because of the whole gay thing. So I was this cerebral little guy and these men were all so beautiful and confident. I managed to snag a boyfriend by pretty much the same way I had snagged girlfriends--I was my most clever, charming self and it still sort of started to fall apart. So I started to work out sort of obsessively and still we drifted apart. And then we broke up and I freaked. I doubled down even harder on the gym stuff, completely changed my wardrobe, my hair, everything and I really did manage to become one of those guys.

And at the beginning it was AMAZING, I won't pretend it wasn't. I remember the first party I walked into after my little transformation. It was like everyone stopped and stared and it was intoxicating. I had always been so far in my head and I was just in my body and the physicality of it was like nothing I'd experience. I'll always remember what went through my head. I thought "nobody here gives a damn what I think, they just want me." And I know in retrospect that sounds terrible but at the time it didn't seem so at all because being smart and funny and charming was EXHAUSTING and being hot just kind of was... well it just was. I know you're thinking "poor little rich girl" and I won't pretend that all that desire wasn't fun but after a while it's just kind of there and all you are left with is that sense that nobody gives a damn what you think--and after a while it's just not fun any more. And you just want to be that person you were before.

And not everyone is looking for THAT guy. I remember discussing with my husband years later whether it ever bothered him that I kind of pulled a bait and switch on him. He signed up for this guy who was THAT guy and then I sort of consciously changed who I was. For instance, he works out a lot more than I do now. At first he pretended he didn't know what I was talking about. Eventually he admitted that he could pretty much pinpoint the exact moment it happened. But you know what he thought? He says he distinctly remembers thinking "oh thank G*d, he's going to stay with me." I guess we're all insecure in our own little ways.

I know it's trite but just be you and try your hardest to find out who other people are. It might just be the fact that I'm wicked old talking but I'd start by trying to meet people in real life rather than on the phone...

 

@Steve FS,

I live in Alabama, lol. Two of my white friends are dating Asians. One is here in Alabama, and one is in Michigan.

 

I can assure you there is a huge stigma with white gay men finding asian men unattractive. I have absolutely no idea why, but it is definitely a thing.

Not to discourage you Steve, just telling it like it is. Humans are dumb.

 

As a queer biracial woman I've been friends with a few white gay men and I found them hugely irritating at times because they seemed to think that being gay negates all their privelage and therefore allows them to be rude and mean.

Particularly the worshipping of sassy black women pissed me off because they tried to project it on me and I was like "that is not what black people are! That's definitely not what black BRITISH people like my family are! I am not sassy, and my mum is not sassy, and half the stuff you talk about I have no idea because all black people are not African Americans!". They also seemed to find lesbians sort of funny and lower down the rankings because you know, they liked fabulous women and lesbians were messy manly weirdos. And there was one guy in my secondary school who just used to socialise with these girls by insulting them all the time and sorta sexually harassing them, but he's gay so it doesn't matter, they all wanted a gay best friend. Me and my happened to be gay white male best friend hated him but my friend was still guilty of all of the other things above.

Having said that now I'm in university I'm making friends with more young white gay men who are a lot more pleasant. I'm in a very social-activisty university so I guess everyone here is more woke. But also there seem to be plenty of nice guys on EC, so it can't be as bad as we're seeing it.

 

keep looking,,they're not all that way,,but a lot of em are

---------- Post added 27th Dec 2016 at 01:10 PM ----------

keep looking,,they're not all that way,,but most of em are lol

 

So, just to throw my 2c in here...

1) Numeric standards of attractiveness are a made up thing, rather like the tooth fairy and they are no more real or valid than the tooth fairy. Which is to say they are a myth.

As Chip says, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So one man's '10' may be another man's '5' or '2' or may mean nothing at all to him. And vice versa.

2) A common theme that sort of jumped out at me in reading your posts is that you seem to be viewing everything through the lens of 'I need to get a man'. So you're asking where you should go and what you should do to get a man. And how do you guarantee that there will be gay men at some activity or the like?

What I'm not seeing in any of your posts so far is a clear statement of what you like to do as a person. So: What do you like to do for fun? For enjoyment? What gives you joy or contentment or relaxation? What activities or subjects interest you?

Make a list of the things you like to do and the things you enjoy. Now, find ways to do them with other people - possibly LGBT people, possibly not. It depends on what's available in your area.

Beyond that - and most importantly IMO - do things because you enjoy them, not because there is X amount of chance that you will meet a potential date or boyfriend there. Treat meeting someone (for an hour or for the rest of your life) as the icing on the cake of a fun day/night/weekend - not as an end in itself. First, because even if you don't meet someone, you've still had a great time. Second, because people who go into every social situation 'on the hunt' often start to give off a particular vibe that others can pick up on and will often seek to avoid. Or, to put it more bluntly - desperation is rarely an attractive quality.

As far as things you might do - some options might include:

meetup.com - if you live in a large to medium size population center, odds are good that meetup has a presence there. Groups can range from gourmet food to hiking to motorcycles and classic cars to game nights and everything in between. Some areas will list 'young and single' groups, but I'd actually recommend avoiding those at first or only checking them out as part of a wider exploration of all the groups in your area. The goal is to have fun and meet people in general, remember.

The local LGBT Community Center - these often host (or sponsor or at least know about) various activities in the area that you might find interesting.

Local LGBT sports teams/leagues - most good size cities have at least one, and sometimes many, types of LGBT sports teams. Common sports may include softball, flag football, rugby, running, and bowling. Bigger population centers may also see ice hockey teams, boxing or martial arts clubs, and nearly any other sport you can think of.

LGBT friendly churches, charities, or political action groups - If you are of a religious/spiritual/socially active mindset, there are various churches and groups you might join to be around like minded people. If the group in question is LGBT friendly, there is a certain probability that other LGBT people will be part of it. Or the straight people there may have LGBT friends or relatives who they might introduce you to.

Note that the goal is to make friends and meet people and to network -because even if the people you are getting to know aren't gay men or aren't your type, they may very well know gay men who are.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

Ok, I probably worded my thoughts a bit wrong. What I wanted to say is that privilege is something stupid society has created throughout time, and that I really despise it. However, on a genetic, theoretical level there is NO privilege. We're literally created the same.

I don't want to talk about how the word 'privilege' is actually used by people nowadays, but I'm just saying that if we took 'privilege' out of the picture, we're left off with 'racism' and 'misogyny' and I personally think it's easier to address the problem from that perspective. White males SHOULDN'T be privileged. Instead of acknowledging and complaining about privilege, let's destroy it. Let's stop taking racism, homophobia and generally lack of equality lightly and start doing something about it.

I hate that there's privilege, but I don't hate myself for being privileged. I never chose to be privileged, so if somebody wants to guilt me for being white or male, I'm gonna get real pissed real fast.

 

I met my boyfriend on a dating app. He's honestly one of the sweetest and most thoughtful people I've ever met. My friends think the same way about him. I honestly think I got very very lucky. So I guess you can find great people, but it's probably not too common.






As far as this topic goes, I'm a white and my boyfriend is not. So I can't say I can relate to what the OP is saying. I really don't care what race someone is. I'd much much rather be with a guy who is an amazing person but not good looking than someone who is amazing looking but not a good person.

I think it's important to never date someone just because of their looks. Those kinds of relationships will not last. Many people confuse lust with love, and that's one reason I think people sometimes don't have fidelity or compassion. It's important to find someone you can connect with emotionally. People who do not like you because of your looks, or race, are definitely not the kind of people you want to associate yourself with.

 

On appearances, attractive or unattractive; no one has control over the body they're born with so why even let it become a problem?

It's not like anyone was there before anyone was conceived saying, "OK. Mom, dad ... I want you both to eat healthy and abstain from these drugs, work out so you produce nice and fresh eggs and semen so that I come out hotter than hell itself!"

I kind of agree, though, that people's attraction lean more towards Caucasian people; and, it seems like they have all the breaks. So, what? It's quite analogical in the eastern hemisphere! I'm sure those that are the minority somewhere in Asia have the same differences in argument when it comes to attractive Asian people!

That being said, I also agree that the whole, worked-up idea of the attractive person is only fictional. They aren't played out how we're so hard-wired to think of them as. They've got problems yet solutions and vice versa.

 

Chip, that was brilliant. :eusa_clap

 

Each day millions of people get rejected. Whites, blacks, green and whatever other colors there are. If you think people search for /or ignore/ a specific skin color/ethnic background when they go on dating apps - you're wrong. Not that it doesn't happen, but it's not prevalent.

People search for someone to satisfy a diffrent fetish they have - for race, sexual activity, and so on. Hell, some are so sick /imo/, that they want a human puppy. You think they care that much if their puppy is asian? No. If you don't mind the leash, then I doubt you'll be a homeless pup.
There are also people who want to date only elderly. Or only chubby. Some aren't even that interested in dating and love - they just search for a sugar daddy.
It is how it is. No point in forcing a change on others - change yourself. Or hell, don't. There is no need to change yourself, but instead, try to be patient. Eventually, you'll find a white guy that likes asians, or doesn't care about that at all. And you'll be happy. For a while. Then you'll either realise that he likes asians as a part of his fetish, or he doesn't care that much about race because it's hard to find a human pup anyways. Or you'll realize what's probably the most important thing - you're fetishizing white men. And you shouldn... oh forget it. Maybe you should, I can't be the judge of that. But don't feel bad or frustrated when they mistreat or ignore you. Matching your fetish with someone elses is extremly hard, like finding true love. Maybe because love is a fetish in itself, but that's a diffrent matter. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about, I've been searching for a human pup for ages. Oh wai-... damn it. >_>'


P.S. White privilege IS A THING! I have a mile long queue of people waiting to date me. And pay me money. And give me everything I want. To add up to that, I have never been mistreated, bullied, never lived in poverty, never studied and worked hard. Never had to achieve anything. Already, instantly granted. I pity you, people, that do not posses this extraordinary gift!

 

Hot is a subjective term. Unfortunately a lot of people are idiots at this age (hell, I'm mortified by some of the things I did even when I was 18!) but we all mature and realize that some things we get hung up on-like say, having an extremely strict type irrespective of that person's personality-were bad ideas in the first place.

What I'm trying to say is, as the old saying goes, this too shall pass. You'll meet a nice guy who thinks with the head between his shoulders and not the one between his pants and you two will hit it off.

 

I agree with you on this one.

The problem though is that 'privilege' is not something that can be reasonably tackled - racism (and all the rest) is. The issue here is that, tackling prejudice and discrimination takes a huge effort because it is so deeply ingrained in the human program, that it requires a huge amount of collective effort. That would mean having to give up your time, your wealth and maybe some of your 'privilege' as well as challenging your own views, opinions and beliefs.
On the other hand you could just say this is all about 'privilege', the unsolvable conundrum. All we can do about this is 'be aware' of it (whatever good that could do) and shame others to demonstrate how open minded we are. Of course this will never result in any change beyond further division but it requires little genuine effort and ensures that everyone with privilege, retains it.

That's the true issue here - often those that claim to be the most against privilege are those with the most to lose. By continuously harassing and guilt-tripping those with 'majority privilege', it encourages the sort of racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. that reinforces the divide for social minorities, ultimately securing the 'power privileged' at the top.

I have yet to be shown a single practical way to implement my awareness of my own social privilege in the real world. When it comes to achieving an equal society, I am a firm believer in helping up those that are less fortunate, not pulling down those that are better off.

 

I think the shame is where the problem truly lies though.
What people associate with "privilege" are more thoughts of only getting a job because they are white or that they didn't have to work hard to get where they are now. Obviously if people link "privilege" with those thoughts, they're not gonna like it.
Seeing that they did deserve their job because they got there despite other people with the same privilege wanting to get there too is one part. The other is seeing that people who don't have that privilege couldn't have gotten there at all.

The word "privilege" seems harmful because it seems that the priveledged group is dragged down to the level of the unprivileged group while working against racism seemingly implies that the non privileged group gets dragged up towards the privileged group. But in truth both are exactly the same thing.
Privilege simply implies that we, the more powerful group, must actively do something against racism instead of just not stopping the less privileged group when they fight against it.

Generally though I have come to hate the word"privilege" because of tumblr. Thanks tumblr.

---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 10:02 PM ----------

Also to the "colorblind" thing: The less aware people are of racial differences the less difference they see. If someone knows about racism he's more likely to treat a black man different from a white man even if he's not a racist.

So in theory it would help more to teach kids that people are just people and that everyone deserves respect and happiness instead of letting them discuss things like "privilege".

I can however see how the current situation in America makes that possibility purely utopian.