Taking the next step

Very happy to share Canadian, I would be lost without EC, listening to the advice of others and reading their experiences, and contributing when I can or have something useful to say.

I have no experience....zilch. That kiss I talk about above will (I hope) be my first kiss with a woman so I am in the same boat as you with one exception, I haven't come out, I've told one friend that this is something I'm exploring. I want to have that first experience, that first relationship and know that what I feel at the very core of my being right now and for the last year or so is who I am. I'm not desperate to have that kiss, that first sexual experience with a woman, I'm not trying to force it but I am so looking forward to it. I do feel confident in what I'm doing, I am beyond excited.

The first time I wrote on EC was to ask advice about my first date with a woman and it relates exactly to what you're asking here (thread is here by the way: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/218667-first-lesbian-date-40-a.html). I didn't know if I should tell the woman that I'd never been with another woman before or that I was new to this world or if I should hold off. I was worried that I was being false and dishonest by not letting her know upfront where I was at. I got great advice that helped lots. People told me not to rush into it, that some women will ask questions, some will mind that I'm new to this world but that most won't. When I thought about it, it made sense: when I went out with men (not often and not for very long!) I would never go into my sexually history on a first or second...or if I made it to the third date. The woman I went on that first date with is the woman I'm still in touch with, nothing has happened beyond that we both seem to like each other very much, we like meeting up, we have lots to talk about. Something may happen and it might not but I am taking it one step at a time. When the question about previous relationships comes up I will be very honest. If we get to a situation where we're making out or taking things a step forward, I'll let her know that she will be the first woman I've been with beforehand, well beforehand. If she decides that's an issue for her, that's her right. I will be sad if it ends but I'm new to this world, I'm still excited that everything I've experienced to date confirms what I am feeling in my gut...I like women, I like women a lot, I want to be with a woman.

I can't adequately explain why it's taken me so long, I'm 41 now, to work this out. What I can say is that in the last year or so I've felt like I've realised that a door has always existed in my life that I've never pushed through before, it's the lesbian door. Now I'm pushing through and it feels like the most natural thing in the world and it has made me very very happy....even though nothing major has happened. It may have been an inner denial on my part, it may have been an assumption that like most people I would go the straight road, it's what everyone was doing around me. It may be neither. I don't mind that it's something I'm only exploring now, I am loving it.

I completely get that you're not putting down anyone who dates online. What I'd say is when I registered with an online dating agency I did so in the hope of meeting someone I liked, in the hope of having that first lesbian experience but not necessarily in the hope of a long term relationship - I would love if that happens but one step at a time and it's not something that I can determine from chatting and exchanging emails online, maybe others can. I do know from talking to someone over a month or so if I want to meet them. The few times I've met people from the dating site have gone really well, once really really well so we'll see what happens. I don't have a public profile pic cause I'm not out but if I'm in touch with someone I will share a photo straight off. Also, it's less about what they say on their profile and their photo than how we interact in conversation by email.

Hope this helps. I've also joined a lesbian group on meetup and hope to go to some of their events, maybe a reading, hiking or film showing. I almost went to a coffee evening a couple of weeks ago but chickened out but I will go soon.

 

No prob Canadian, happy to share. I hear what you're saying about the shame but I wouldn't give yourself too hard a time about it. It's less shame that I feel; more like a complete idiot for taking so long to realise who I am. I wouldn't give yourself too hard a time about it and I wouldn't worry about what others think about it taking you some time to get there too. There is no rulebook about this, no set way that we all come to where we should be. Even reading people's stories here you see how we're all going through a lot of similar experiences that are also really different because of how we react, our situations, and the simple fact that we're all individuals. I've still learnt lots here and hopefully will keep doing so. I really do feel for people who are struggling with realising their gay and accepting it....maybe it just hasn't hit me yet or maybe it's because I'm single, I don't have a husband or children to consider, but I'm at my most relaxed ever and that's why internally I know this is who I am. I want to live that life now.

I'm also learning by experience, on dates I've had so far I've been completely relaxed, just really happy, sometimes almost watching myself from outside while I'm being happy. I'm not sure that the woman I've met likes me as much as I like her, she's hard to read, but I'm comfortable/confident enough to ask her if she'd like to keep seeing me or take another step. Like I said before I'd be sad if she said 'no' but after five months, we should have some idea of how we feel about each other, that said I don't want to rush her. Must get some advice here on that one.

I'm good at not dwelling too much on the past, know that I can't change it but can learn from it. I do look forward to going to a coffee evening with the LGBTQ group I've signed up to on Meetup, it sounds like the in person version of Empty Closets, there might be one similar that you can go to. The thoughts you mention are thoughts people go through at different stages in their lives but I think you're right when you say they're less about your sexuality and coming out and just the things that go through our minds. And sometimes, when you have one big thing going on in your life that you're unsure about or is new to you, you start to question everything else, it's how our brains are wired but we're also built to overcome this and focus and see the positives.

Will let you know how my next steps go and see you around :icon_bigg

 

I know I am late to the convo, but wanted to respond.

..that is so me.

@Canadian
I think you have already received the best advice. I'll add that it's going to be hard dating just as it is for everyone regardless of orientation. There's just not many places to actually meet people anymore. The meetup groups are about it, unless you do bar scenes and that's not my cup of tea either. With that said, I wouldn't worry about being inexperienced. If the person loves you, you share experiences together and it will not be an issue.

I can't say I am a woman virgin because my first experience was with a woman and one other two years later. But that was 30yrs ago so pretty much re-virginized...lol. Just don't dwell on it. When you find the one you can be in a relationship with, she will be understanding and if you are open with each other, it will be all the more special because you will be sharing it all together.