Have I Screwed This Up Too Much?

Hey I'm sorry you are in this situation it sucks. I can see it from both sides, I totally understand why you have kept your daughter and girlfriend apart but at the same time I totally see why that is upsetting your girlfriend. I think it's probably been bugging her for a while and then now when it's all built up has let it all out.

I think it is possible for it to go back to how it was but there is never a guarentee and everyone needs to be invested in it and by that I mean both you and your girlfriend. I kind of think what do you have to lose by taking her to counselling, it's not going to be a quick fix of course but maybe it will show commitment from your part to your girlfriend in trying to fix what is upsetting her and at the same time talking together with a third party present might help you both get across what needs to be said and dealt with.
You might take her and it still might not work but what have you got to lose?

 

Hi afgirl,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I feel, as a mom, I understand your actions and your intention to get through this tough time with your daughter before bringing your girlfriend more fully into your life. I don't think you're wrong. But on the other hadn, I understand her pain and her wish to move on based on the way things are. It's really hard to accept I'm sure, but I feel like there are just times when relationships don't work because both people have different needs at the time.

Take this time to make progress with your daughter. You'll get through it. And I'm sure you will meet someone else when you're ready to let someone fully into your life.

 

Aw, so many hugs hun. (*hug*) I know you must be really missing her.

I think that your daughter will have to learn that you are going to have partners, and that your identity will not change. How old is she? It sounds like she is a teen? I don't have a lot of advice on teens... but lotts of empathy. I'm sorry your relationship with her has struggled so much.

 

No you will not receive critiscism, you have done nothing wrong at all. All you have done is try and be happy and try and keep others happy as well. Nothing wrong with that sentiment.

I am not qualified in any way to advise on bringing up a daughter but I agree with baristajedi in that daughter will have to learn. I would also add that she should want you to be happy.

Sorry I cant offer advice but I am thinkimg good thoughts for you (&&&)

 

I think I'd be doing more work with your daughter on difference and acceptance of other people including yourself. It sounds like she is controlling and manipulative.Also I'd be telling her that if she ever raises so much as a hand to me again then shed be going into care full stop. I wouldnt be putting up with her like she is, shes having you over a barrell.
You have the right to a private life/realtionship without your daughter kicking off.
Is her Dad around? and if so would he be able to give you some support with her? Sorry you have to go through all this but I think you need to put your foot down.

 

Are there any gay/lesbian family groups you could link in with? maybe they would be able to give you some support. Could your girlfriend look for alternative employment? or self employment even? theres nothing worse than being in a job you hate, it can really drag you down.

 

I am a believer that love can conquer all. Love isn't neediness or judgment though. It's understanding, empathy, respect. I think if the love is there you can definitely heal this. Your relationship will not be the same as it was though, it will go to a new place - and if you get there via love (acceptance, understanding, connection), it will be even more beautiful than when you first fell in love.

I think if I was you, I'd try and let love guide me in all my decisions. Even with my daughter. You are her example. Yes, you're trying to protect her but this is also a learning curve she may need to experience. Maybe there's a middle ground you can find with her? For example, perhaps she can agree to meet and know your girlfriend (slowly) but that you won't come out while she's in school.

Good luck. My heart's with you.

 

Aww thats so tough it is awful that you dont live in a more accepting place but like you said there is nothing that you can do about that right now.
Maybe you should set yourself some boundaries, so maybe see how the first session goes with the counsellor and your girlfriend and then give yourself a set number of further sessions by which point you agree to make a decision one way or the other depending on how it is going.

Looking back and wishing you had done things differently is only natural but you can only do your best at the time.

 

Hey afgirl.

I remember your last post a few months back that mirrors this issue, except it seems it's gotten worse, which I'm sorry to see. I'm going to be a little forward. I feel compelled with your posts because I may understand your mother/daughter dynamic, as it's very similar to my own - especially the willful child part. Here are the sides I'm seeing:

Mother/Daughter:

I grew up with a single parent. Though it is a wonderful, often unbreakable bond, it can also become unhealthily co-dependent. This is what I'm getting from your posts. Your daughter does indeed sound extremely manipulative, but it sounds very fear-based. Fear because you're her only parent, and maybe she feels like she's losing you. She may feel like she's losing you in two parts: 1) because you've got a girlfriend and 2) because you're gay and doesn't want you to be shunned or hurt/feels like she's not apart of your life. And because she is strong willed, a lot of this fear could manifest as anger and violence because she's a teenager and running on emotions most of the time.

My mother has had a few relationships that I was extremely not keen on. It was either because I didn't like how they treated her in one way or another, or because I didn't like the way they treated me...sometimes it was because I didn't like the way my mom handled the two at once, similar to what I'm getting from your posts, she had a really hard time integrating her relationships into our own in a way that was respectful of me.

Did you ever try to have an honest, calm talk with your daughter regarding her feelings about your girlfriend and relationship? I see you're going to counseling, but have any of those feelings come up in it? I get giving someone time to think about things, but I really don't believe in babying someone's bad behavior. And if your girlfriend hasn't done anything bad to your daughter, or you, this is, indeed, bad behavior that may be spiraling out of control...simply because she's always acted in such a way, and isn't sure how to approach it from a different angle now. She also may have a good reason to be angry, though - which is why you should ask her.

I have to believe that the anger is misplaced and has not much to do with your sexual orientation, even your girlfriend. I know there's some kind of LGBTQ+ community in Mississippi, so even if it's a slow to grow, religious based community, it is not totally hidden and forbidden from that society. It seems that a lot of the hesitation is on your part, out of fear, especially because this is your first same-sex relationship. And that is totally, totally understandable, but may be something you want to look into.

With everything you say, especially about keeping your girlfriend away, I wonder if your compartmentalization of your relationship and child has caused this huge rift. There is a relationship in particular of my mother's that I had a huge problem with. I didn't like him as a person, at all. He wasn't trying to be close to me and kept his distance most of the time. He just wasn't trying to get to know me or be on my level, and I became really defensive and weary because of it. My mother and I are glued at the hip a lot of the time, so someone who is trying to be in her life should essentially be equal parts wanting to be my friend/respect our relationship. And my mother was allowing it, or acting like everything was fine, which made me feel enraged and like we were becoming distant. I had this very child-like (though I was not a child) reaction toward it. Something about the detachment made me so upset. A lot of it was really ridiculous, though. All of that is to say, I think if my mother's boyfriend would have put some effort into trying to be my friend and be in my life, and my mom didn't try to push him on me (he also tried to push himself on me, like telling me they were going to be together whether I liked it or not (lol)) all at once, things would have been different.

It kind of sounds like you never gave that a chance. I think it's fine, even good, to separate your relationship from your child/family in the beginning, but after a long period of time when you're beginning to get serious? There's a trust, especially between a single parent and their child, that can be violated from improper integration. I think you can still achieve this, if you talk to your kid and get to the root of her issues. Because honestly, she's living in this century, south or not, I really don't think it's the gayness. I think she's afraid of losing you, and frustrated about not completely understanding this aspect of your life because you're afraid to include her. Let her, even make her at times, be a part of it: the both of you take her out on the weekend to do something fun or go out to eat at her favorite place or travel. If your girlfriend doesn't do anything that can be construed as hurtful to your daughter, I really think it's that. But I could be TOTALLY wrong. I'm just trying to look at it through that lens since it's a familiar one to me.

And I get that a lot of your fear is probably because she makes you feel like you can't be gay because her "friends" won't come over/she won't be accepted, and I think I said this before, but help her to understand it and teach her that she wouldn't WANT those kind of friends. Unless you're going to miraculously become straight tomorrow, you're probably going to be gay forever and either stay with this girlfriend, or date another woman -- so should you accept her intolerance?? It's going to be a cold world for her if she stays that way, BELIEVE ME. If she ever wants to leave your tiny corner of the country with that attitude, she's the one that may end up being shunned. It's not about forcing her to be accepting of other people, it's about you being intolerant of ignorance and narrow-mindedness. For the sake of humanity and your daughter, I'd urge you not to let her grow up thinking that it's okay and acceptable for anyone who is not a heterosexual to be ashamed of themselves, because it certainly won't stop there. And again, you're not straight, so that behavior should be especially unacceptable.

Also, your daughter doesn't have to tell her friends that you're gay.


Girlfriend:

With the not coming around your house thing, or being integrated into your family life, after a year...I truly think I would have been out by now. Even from your last post. And not because I'm impatient. I think I'd also stick it out if I was in love with someone, especially if it was their first gay relationship and they were scared/having issues at home. But when does waiting for someone else to feel comfortable become a burden on the person waiting? How long should someone compromise their own happiness? It would be one thing if the person was working to make things better, but if no one's doing anything and everyone's just unhappy all the time, it seems like a lost cause.

I remember you said you both have conflicting schedules that cause you to really only get together on the weekend, if she came to your place, would that be a non-issue? Also, are you not seeing her all week and then being gone the whole weekend by her, leaving your daughter home alone? If that's how things are, I'd see the issue really clearly.

So as a gay that is also a strong-headed person to a single parent: First, I will not deny you've got an interesting hand of cards. I am sometimes shocked that after my teen years my mother is even an ounce still sane. Anyway, I think you should go for therapy. Someone who is LGBTQ+ friendly and can help you with this and anything else you have to deal with. Be a little harder on your kid while also being softer on her. Treat her like a person and have a really frank discussion about things. Start bringing your girlfriend around her. If you want your girlfriend to be in your life. But I'd talk to your girlfriend and a counselor to make sure I do it in the most non-threatening way possible, because yes, I think this situation not being dealt with properly has turned into a monster. And hey, you're a human, it happens. But something I wished growing up, is that my mother would have put me in my place a little sometimes. She was totally non-conflict while I was always up and ready for a good, heated argument, ESPECIALLY as a teen when I was just fucking nuts. Put your foot down. It's not too late. She loves you, and you love her. She should always, always come first - but she also needs to know that you're a human who has feelings.

Also, always keep in mind that she's a teenager right now and has a million things going on. If your girlfriend is a good person and you haven't already, bring her into you and your daughter's life. Get yourself a counselor, get your daughter a separate counselor from you, and go from there with love and compassion for the situation. And urge your daughter to find love and compassion within herself.

At the same token, I agree with what Barista said. Maybe you're just not ready and you'll find someone who fits into your life better when the time comes.

 

Your daughter's anger is likely from several things. But what I think would be most difficult is that she's not only coming to terms with her mom being gay but in that region she stands to be severely negatively impacted by this just as much, perhaps more, than you. And much of it is out of her control. From her point of view you could, at any time, come out or be found out and she'll be ostracized while you get to happily continue on with your romances. Teen girls are very tough on each other as I'm sure you're aware.
Fair or not your stubborn daughter is your priority. That doesn't mean she always gets her way or your life gets put on hold to take care of her feelings. But her situation needs consideration.
I don't see why you can't move. There are other high schools. Also the counselor should be helping you both to discuss solutions.

Your GF needs to realize that your child is your priority and the situation doesn't allow for you to bring her into your home yet. It doesn't need counseling. She's putting you in a shitty dilemma by insisting you integrate her into your home. What does she think would happen? At best it would create unacceptable tension in your family. Most likely you'd be having a huge ongoing fight with your daughter and she would be constantly disrespected as well. She either hasn't thought this out before deciding to make it an issue or needed an excuse to end the relationship. It's crappy but people do it.

 

(*hug*)