Am I transgender or is this a fetish? This is going for years now, like there would be a period i think i am trash, or just fap it away as a fetish and then there's a period i am fine with being gay and living my life. The trans thing mainly occurs when i see good looking passing trannies or s/fur shit. There was a time when i was young that thought i was trans, like 16 years old, spend time reading stuff online and then forgot about it when i went to sleep, there there was another bigger later phase around when i was 22 thinking i am actually trans for like 1-2 months but then it passed once i realized it could just be some weird humiliation fetish since it often times also causes me sexual arousal thinking of being a woman. I dont know if this is a real thing or just a fetish, i am probably also scared that if it is real i am fucked because my job is mainly male and trans isnt something widely accepted in some EU countries so there might be no way to actually do it financially and the future will be literally fucked. Plus i have a weird dislike of women who act slutty or manipulative, probably because i hate my mother for being an angry whiny bitch but that is another reason i dont feel i should be a girl. The confusing thing is that most of the time i could not care less and feel no issues with being cis gay but every now and then, specifically when i come by some passing tranny or some female that looks attractive i feel like i would want to be a woman, then i usually just fap to some fantasy where i am the female and the thoughts go away for some time, can even be months without those feelings.
If you seek help, maybe talking about "trannies" and "women who act slutty or manipulative" is not a good idea. You could get softer replies paying more attention to the place you are. Transgender women can experience sexual arousal, they can even have fetishes, so I don't think this is a reason to exclude you are trans. If you feel you are in the wrong body, or would like to be perceived as a woman in your everyday life, these can be some indicators. Your opinion on some women shouldn't matter, and even if it's true that society is not accepting, you should put these consideration aside when you are questioning. They can come later, when you will choose how to act (after understanding what you need and want).
First off, please don't use the word "tranny" as it is hurtful and offensive to trans people. It is totally understandable to be scared of finding out you are trans, whether binary or otherwise, and of the implications of people knowing that you're not cis. The questioning period itself can be quite rough and painful, and even if you feel relieved once you realise you are trans, that can be the beginning of the rollercoaster and not the end. (*hug*) I think the feelings you have for your mother are getting in the way - you're afraid of being trans because you're afraid of becoming what you hate. Internalised misogyny was a big battle for me too, as was internalised transphobia and homophobia. It wasn't until I started questioning that I discovered just how much society's opinions on gender and orientation get into EVERYTHING. Almost every aspect of how I thought about myself was affected. But the thing is that there are many trans (and cis) women who aren't horrible. In fact, one of the interesting things I've noticed about the trans community where I live is that in many cases they are more caring and compassionate and accepting of others than the majority of cis people I've ever met, including my friends. Being trans doesn't make you manipulative. From what you've written it sounds like there's a lot of stuff going on which you will need to work through regardless of whether you end up identifying as trans or not. (&&&) As to the matter in hand: you said there are times when you want to be a woman. Why is that? Do you feel that there are certain social advantages which are off-limits because you're a man? Do you feel that the term "woman" is a more accurate description of who you are inside? What is it about being a woman which appeals to you? Oh, and I nearly forgot: there are more options than just cis man and trans woman. Like you I was assigned male at birth, but my gender identity fluctuates. Some people don't label their gender at all: they just take it as it comes, and some people don't identify with any gender. But whatever your gender happens to be in the end, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. There's as many good people who are trans as there are good people who are cis, so don't beat yourself up about it. It's okay to have doubts and to be angry and scared and upset. Feel free to ask as many questions as you like on these boards - we're a helpful and caring bunch. (&&&)
Lol Lily stole the words from my mouth. You're not going to find a lot of help from this community by spewing transphobia and sexism. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't know that "tranny" is pretty much the worst thing you can call a transwoman since I didn't really get what the big deal was either until I started frequenting these forums and I know it is a word commonly used in mtf porn and maybe that is all the experience/knowledge you have. Other than that, I need more details. Do you think about being a woman in a non sexual context?
Yeah sorry about that word, i assumed that is the unofficial term since i here it everywhere and is shorter than transgender. And i didnt imply all women are slutty and manipulative, i was talking about the ones that they are, usually ones who use their body to manipulate and get what they want. But yeah what that person said about internalized misogyny sounds very real and i have absolutely no idea how to deal with that. (My mother which i hate possible is a reason for it i guess since she embodies many dumb idiotic muh social norm qualities) Mainly i worried i am trans because every now and then when i she something that i consider to be a good looking woman or really passing mtf transgender person, not in a sexual way, i kinda feel like i wish i had their body. I feel that body would technically fit more with me and i would like being seen as a woman, female pronouns etc, but at the same time those thoughts sometimes arouse me. And sexually a female body is probably far better for me since as a guy i am the exclusive bottom type who doesnt wants to use his penis and much rather a male enjoy my body than me doing that. The reason this is all so confusing is if i masturbate to those thoughts they just disappear, it could be months before i think about it again and if i do i can just think about it sexually which leads to me just forgetting it again unless some image triggers it. i really dont know, maybe i am just scared because even if it was true it is quite impossible for me to do since i live in an eastern European country who isnt very progressive, and the college i spend my time on is mainly a male heavy job and i dont know what i could do as trans, outside that degree i dont really have any other skills so my future sounds fucked
