I'll try and keep this brief, When I was younger and in elementary school I always had crushes and girls and going into middle school would fantasize about being with them. Then in middle school I was often called "gay," and quickly began to be attracted to men. I was able to still fantasize about girls but it often felt forced. Throughout high school I was able to ignored attractions to men and was even able to get aroused about girls in a way that felt genuine. Since then, my attraction towards girls has always been lacking and I have found myself watching gay porn. Afterwards I feel straight, however as time goes by I get the urge to watch again. I do not have romantic inclinations towards men and do not feel comfortable with the idea of being with one, however I cannot shake my attraction towards them. I just want to feel attracted to girls again the way I did so long ago
Hi. First,I think everyone who has ever had same sex attraction has felt what you are experiencing. Second, no one but you can tell you what you are. Third, before anybody shows up suggesting some exotic, unrecognized label, I'd suggest thinking in terms of one of the accepted and studied labels. The others tend to create more confusion than anything else. The problem you are experiencing (again, like everyone else in the stage you are in) is that you don't ant to Begay, so you are essentially closing off exploration to that possibility. My suggestion is that you spend some time exploring, by yourself, the possibility that you might in fact be gay, or on the gay side of the spectrum. Try avoiding porn entirely for a month, and masturbate with it. In alternating sessions, try thinking about guys and then about girls. And maybe try thinking about nothing and see where your mind takes you if you don't prompt it. Most likely, you will get a pretty good idea pretty quickly which fantasies are more intense and arousing, and that, in turn, will point to where your sexual orientation lies. One of the difficulties here is that as we process the loss of anything (in this case, loss of perception as straight), we go through stages : denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. And as we process those, our conscious and unconscious are at war with each other. So you have to basically work through the self acceptance to figure out where you are on the spectrum. You are more than likely, from what you've said, somewhere on the spectrum, and probably not at the far end of straight. But to really see where, you will need to simply be open to exploring yourself, and then it will become easier to understand and accept.
I agree too! Please don't make the mistake I did. Just learn to accept yourself and be happy whatever you are.