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Can something come out of this?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by GodlyArmadillo, Dec 7, 2016.

  1. GodlyArmadillo

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    Hello. I'll try to keep this concise. I'm "dating" (if I can use that term) someone from another country, who recently moved to my city, around August/September.

    We met in September, and the first night we met, he came over to my house. While he made some clear sexual advances, when we actually got to my bed he said he didn't want to have sex. I said ok, and we literally slept together.

    A week afterwards, we met up again, with the same group of friends as the first time. He gave me a handshake and I was confused, thinking we were doing the "pretending nothing happened" thing. (Which, I didn't like.) As the night went on, we talked more and more, ended up making out, and coming back home to mine. Again, he insisted nothing happen, we just went to bed, the following morning we made out some more, and that was it.

    After that, he gave me his number and we started seeing each other regularly. Like dating. Sometimes I'd invite him to hang out with my friends. However, he only ever came back one more time to my place, and again nothing happened (this was in October, the second week). We've been "dating" almost three months since that first encounter. Before the third time he came over, he told me he was "in a weird place" because "Madrid wasn't home". (He has taken two trips home in the meantime, and is due to go back at Christmas)

    He only opens up about things like that after he drinks. We have never been able to talk about this stuff while sober (and I'm a very "LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I FEEL NOW" person).

    Last week, he told me he can't give me a relationship right now. But doesn't want to have sex because he really values our friendship. (That's when I realised I'm kind of his best friend here.) However, he has no problems with making out (said so, literally), and we made out that night, right after he told me all that.

    I think I can handle this status quo for a while. I like him, I like seeing him, I like kissing him... but I don't know if something more will ever come out of this. I'm also fine now... but I'm afraid I'll crack someday.

    I sort of date other people now and then, but I really like him better than anyone I've recently been on a date with.

    Should I stop making out with him? Should I pursue other people? Whatever happens I'd like us to continue being friends, I just don't know if I should hold out hope for something to change (not sure what that would be, I've thought about revisiting this topic after the Christmas break) and for him to be ready for a relationship, or if I should just stop this for now and tell him I'm not kissing him again unless he wants something more to happen.
     
  2. Gravity

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    It's hard to say from a distance, but it sounds like being "out of his element" might indeed be a part of this - but of course there could be other factors too.

    If you're comfortable with the way things are right now, then great - continue on and enjoy your time together. :slight_smile: If it gets to the point where you'd rather not make out if nothing else is going to happen, then I would think it's okay to say so. If nothing else, it sounds like he's communicating pretty well what he's comfortable with and what he can give right now - doing the same in turn is a healthy thing to do, so I wouldn't hesitate. :slight_smile:

    If living away from home is indeed a factor, then Christmas break might be a good time for him to gain some perspective and decide what he wants. That may be a good time to take stock of where you're at with things and decide what may happen, and what you're comfortable with, going forward.
     
  3. GodlyArmadillo

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    Hi, thanks for your reply.

    He's away for Christmas, will be back on the 6th. We have been sporadically messaging, it hasn't been daily, but we text each other when something "reminds me of you", or when we're doing something the other person finds interesting.

    I gave him a Christmas present, he actually took it home with him and opened it on the 25th. He texted me a picture of it when he opened it and thanked me for the present.

    He's been REALLY nice in general, which is why I keep falling for him. We'll see what happens after he gets back.
     
  4. BBRudegyal

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    This seems like a wonderful person to be with. I think you should bring it up after the holiday break. If he is still saying he isn't ready respect his wishes but also respect yourself and your feelings. He clearly told you he didn't want to be in a relationship and what you two had going is all that he is aiming for right now. Listen to him. He is honest. Now if you find that you can't go on being make out besties then you will have to draw the line to protect yourself. I really hopes he changes his mind though because you all already seem great.