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Found out that crush is gay, but screwed it up

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Anonymous, Dec 5, 2016.

  1. Anonymous

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    I need some advice guys! I have come out since the beginning of this year.

    This summer, I met a boy that I now fell in love with. At first he told everyone he had a girlfriend, but one night when he was really drunk and he then told me he didn’t really have a girlfriend. Instead, he was in the friendzone and that his ‘girlfriend’ wanted him to act like they had a relationship. More interesting to me was that he said that he might like boys too. Well, that first story I never believed. I wasn’t sure what he was trying to tell me instead though because the story was so weird. At some point I realised I really liked him. But, I have always created kind of a shield for myself for hetero guys which prevents me from falling in love with the wrong guys. But this guy might like boys, so I remained curious.

    Last week, after only seeing him for only like 3 times in 3 months, I finally got the chance to bring it up during a party. I was very careful. To my big surprise, he opened up a lot more than I expected (probably/maybe because he was drunk). He told me that he was really confused about his sexuality (but talked about watching gay porn), and even said that he wasn’t sure if he had really been in love with his ‘girlfriend’. This confirmed to me what I already thought, that that story was made up because he was hiding something. I felt sad for him but really happy for myself because I knew I had feelings for this boy. The conversation was long and intense. He repeatedly asked me if I wanted to have a drink with him soon to talk about it more. Everyone who came close to us he sent away (being pretty rude). At some point I made a huge mistake. I was so thrilled and into the moment that at some point, after being quiet and looking each other into the eye for what seemed like ages, I tried to kiss him. He refused and what I can remember (I was drunk too) is that he said: ‘I’m not ready for this’ or something like that. Not like ‘sorry man, I don’t like YOU’. So at first, when I woke up the next day I wasn’t bothered to much that the kiss didn’t go as planned because it made a lot of sense to me: If he didn’t want anyone to be close to the conversation because he was so scared anyone would hear something, he was definitely not going to kiss me while someone might see it. He even repeated that he wanted to go on that drink. But the next day when I texted him asking: ‘Remember we would go out for a drink, tomorrow?’ he said: ‘Oh that could be, but I’m very very busy the upcoming weeks.’ My happiness was immediately gone and all I felt was pain, although I do know for a fact that actually he is extremely busy right now. A day later, when I asked if he had thought about our conversation he just said: ‘Ehh yeah a little, but I’ll see’ (obviously he didn’t care talking about it as much anymore).

    So that party he asked me for that drink because he really needed my advice and now he seemed to pretend like the conversation did not even happen! Since then I realised that that night made me fall in love with this boy (for the first time ever) but I don’t know what to do. We are friends, but not like best friends or something. Yet he did choose to tell me things he hadn’t told anyone else several times (twice about the girlfriend and once about his sexuality). Also, everytime he sees me he reacts extremely happy shouting my name and stuff and a friend tells me he doesn’t really do that to other people. He definitely likes/liked me as a friend. I really want to win him over and I really believe that it could happen but I’m so afraid that it is his insecurity that will make it impossible for me. I’m also very scared that by asking about it once more he will realise I like him so much. And of course I’m really anxious that I alienated him as a friend by trying to kiss him (can’t talk about it with him because we aren’t that close). Besides from the kiss-attempt, I haven’t really shown any of my feelings though.

    So what should I do? I feel like I should try to be just friends the next coming months and not talk about it anymore and just be patient, but on the other hand I feel like it would really help him because there are many things that he wanted to ask me that evening that he couldn’t because people kept on coming our way. I’m even so insecure now that if I ask him to hang-out he will act the same like he did the night after the party.
     
  2. StormyVale

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    I don't have a lot of experience. But I think be patient and ask him to hang out. Be a good friend first. Ask him to hang out. Let him bring up that conversation if he needs to talk. I think that he is scared of his own feelings and scared to come out of the closet so to speak. Perhaps just ask him if he wants to join you to check out a bookstore and go for a coffee or something and chat, or whatever. Something like that which gives him the opportunity to bring up the topic, but doesn't pressure him into talking about it.
     
  3. Gay Deputy

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    ^ agreed! Let the friendship roll on and go where it goes. Don't push it or you risk destroying it before it happens. Make yourself available and let him do the rest as he becomes more comfortable. He doesn't seem too phased (may not even remember) by the kiss attempt so don't dwell on it.
     
  4. Anonymous

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    Thanks for the advice guys. Have been feeling sick about it for a couple of days, but saw him in a club in Amsterdam a couple of days ago and everything seemed fine and normal. I really hope he can't remember haha. I guess I got my feelings for him under control again but before I saw him again it felt like he was doing everything he could to avoid me but I guess it was just my own insecurity.

    I do wonder though, if he told me about it, does that mean he is getting closer to (accepting himself as being bi or homosexual? It still feels weird that he talked about it so openly to me while it is not like we are the closests friends in the world. I know he was drunk but I only talked about it twice (when still being in the closet) when I was drunk and that was to a friend that I've known all my life, not 4 months.
     
  5. Gay Deputy

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    A lot of things happen when the alcohol flows! I've always been told that drunken statements are sober thoughts! I had guys that would confess things to me when they were drunk but were back to stone laced straight when they were sober. I can't tell you that he'll ever come around to admitting to being bi or gay. The alcohol may allow him to let his inhibitions down a small amount but he may never come around while sober. Just something to keep in the back of your mind. I'd hate to see you hurt by it...we've all been there tho.
     
  6. Anonymous

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    Yeah you are right. I've experienced this too when I spoke about it when being drunk. Would never say it sober but it was the truth.

    I have accepted that he probably is not into me at this moment but I do wonder: Is it possible for someone like him (being confused or even in denial of his sexuality) to even open up for a boy? I know there is a chance (maybe a very big one) that he could never like me but even if he would actually think I'm the hottest guy in the world, could it be he would still not have been open for it because he's scared?
     
  7. Gay Deputy

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    That COULD always be the case also. It may be a long time before he is able to admit it to himself. Best bet is to remain friends and see where it goes. I wouldn't push too hard because you risk scaring him.
     
  8. Anonymous

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    Well, finally got a good opportunity to ask him if he wanted to hang-out (just the two of us) and he said yes so we'll go to a bar and then meet-up with friends and go out and party. Because of the christmass holidays its only going to be in a couple of weeks. So I'm back on track I guess.

    Definetly going to ask about his sexuality doubts again since he was the one the proposed to talk about it with me (he probably knew when I asked him that I wanted to talk about that anyways). I think I have two options during that conversation; One, just be the nicest guy I can be and hope this will lead to a closer friendship and wait it out untill he is out and/or shows interest in me. My concern with this is that my feelings might become too strong and I'll be waiting for months only to be disapointed once he is out (or in the very unlikely chance he is hetero). Maybe even getting into a friendzone situation.

    So this brings me to my second option which is: Give him a hint that I like him and see what his reaction is. I thought about saying something like 'If you were gay I would definetly go after you' or 'You are a handsome guy'. I'm afraid making it more direct will scare him even if he does like me. At the same time, I'm afraid that his reaction won't tell me a thing if I make it too vague.

    There might be an option that I didn't think about, so if there is, please tell me. I ask my friends about this but they all say something different and I feel like they don't really understand the situation because they don't know what it is like to be insecure about your sexuality and be in the closet. Sometimes I laugh about this situation I'm in. I mean, what are the odds being the only person in the world that knows the guy you are in love with likes boys?
     
  9. johndeere3020

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    Does he know you are gay?
     
  10. Anonymous

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    Yes he knows a 100% sure. He told me he might be into boys when he found out that I was gay. Plus, I tried to kiss him so that kind of gives a signal I guess :icon_wink
     
  11. johndeere3020

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    Yes, but when drink flows everything can get hazy. I remember from my youth. :slight_smile:

    Maybe consider letting him know that you realize the word "GAY" can be confusing and scary and that you will always be there for him? It is for me, I'm going through the same thing, only 25 years after I should have accepted myself.

    Take Care
    Dean
     
  12. Anonymous

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    Thanks Dean, I hope everything will go well with you. Better late then never ;-)
     
  13. Quantumreality

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    I guess the bottom line question here is how long do you feel like stringing this out? The obvious solution is, as you said, to tell him straight up about your feelings for him. If he feels the same way, he will hopefully (and presumably) tell you so. If not, that shouldn't mean the end of your friendship, just an end of your hopes for a romantic relationship with him.

    If he is SO insecure that he won't actually acknowledge his feelings for you, there would still be no prospect for you to have a romantic relationship with him. Until/unless he would be willing to Come Out - at least to you - then he is not a romantic prospect for you.

    If you are not comfortable being that upfront and are o.k. with not knowing for a while whether or not he returns your feelings, you can just go on developing your friendship with him. In that situation, you could continue to try to better understand him and get a better feel for who he likes 'that way'.

    Just some thoughts.:slight_smile:
     
  14. Anonymous

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    You are right, that is the question. I really don't know to be honoust. From the one hand, I know that he would be amazing for me and I know he would be worth it if I'd have to wait for a long time. We have so much in common and he obviously likes me in some way that he was willing to tell me his secret, therefore making me feel like there is a chance it could work out. On the other hand, I haven't seen any clear signs of him liking me. I'm afraid I'll go through a lot of pain for a long time for nothing.

    Thanks Quantumreality :slight_smile:
     
  15. Quantumreality

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    Totally fair.

    So, perhaps you have a decision to make? If you don't want to risk stringing this out, you have to be upfront with him, don't you think?

    Now, you don't KNOW that he's actually gay or even bi, you are mostly just hoping so at this point, right? And it certainly isn't your place to ask him about his own sexuality. You only have the right to tell him about how you feel about him and see where it goes.

    So, if you don't feel that you can do that directly, maybe you could start to slowly express yourself to him more subtlety. Maybe you could sit a little closer to him. Maybe make more arm-to-arm and leg-to-leg contact with him. (If he lets you do this, it would be a positive sign, but not necessarily an indication of his sexual preference - straight guys that are comfortable with their sexuality also do this.) But you would be a little more intimate with him that way and maybe that would help you open up to him more or for him to open up a little more to you, if he's actually hiding his sexuality.

    Just some thoughts.
     
  16. Linus

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    You're in a difficult situation. However, I had a thought. Hypothetically, it's not so different from a straight relationship(bear with me). Meaning, sexualities set aside, one person is still uncertain. So rather than focusing on the sexuality asset of it, maybe consider a different approach.

    How does one person attract another person? Particularly if the other person is uncertain?

    Maybe think about this approach. If you put sexuality out of the picture, this is the question you're dealing with.

    What I'm getting at, is that if he's gay/bi, then him discovering this/opening up will come naturally if he develops more of an attraction to you. Keep the friendship strong, stronger if possible. If that makes sense.

    If he's uncertain, maybe he can be tipped. Hope this helps.
     
  17. Anonymous

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    Well, for all the things he has told me and said to me without even asking, I know pretty sure that he is not straight. He told me very early on that he might like boys (knew him only for two days), told me he watches gay porn, told me that it is the upperbody of guys he likes (chest, face) made up a relationship with a girl and when I asked him about that girl, he said he wasn't even sure he ever felt something for her. He was the one that asked me to talk about his sexuality (repeated it after the kiss-attempt), so I am also pretty sure he knows I will ask about it when we meet. I only got interested in him after all this, before I only liked him but never gave it much thought.

    I really will try to do the arm contact or leg contact at some point, if I have the guts. After the kiss-attempt I don't have much confidence though haha.

    @Linus

    Thanks, yes, that is a different angle. Just very afraid for a friendzone situation. I guess I will have to carefully flirt with him all the time without him knowing for sure it is flirting. My concern is that I don't see him enough.

    Well, I think I know what to do now but if anyone wants to give me more advice, it would be awesome. I was pretty convinced that I should tell him about my feelings up front, but you made me change my mind. I think the reason I felt down and confused about him often was not because I was afraid he could never like me (I actually have a lot more confidence now that it could work out) but because I thought he was avoiding me because of that kiss-attempt. Maybe he did before, but he doesn't anymore and now is my chance to make him trust me again.
     
  18. Anonymous

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    Well I have to say that your advice turned out to be of great help. I have become quit good friends with this boy recently. At some point his attitude towards me changed. We have been texting all the time recently and I saw him a couple of times and we became much closer.

    So yesterdaymorning I woke up and I received a snapchat of him being in a club with the text 'You are missed by me'. I didn't want to jump to conclusions but I couldn't help thinking: 'So you do like me?'. So later that day I kind of asked him what it was about but I tried to make it sound a little bit unserious. It was definetly not like: 'So uhm, do you like me?' Well he completely ingonerd that message (first time he ever ignored me) and when I sent another text later on, he again ignored me.

    The reason I post this, is because I feel this might again have something to do with him being closeted. I'm not sure what I have to do now... Does anyone have some advice for me?
     
  19. Quantumreality

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    Is it possible that he's busy and just hasn't had time to reply?

    Regardless, it's probably best that you don't press him on it anymore or it will seem like you are very serious about asking this, even it you didn't ask in a serious manner.

    Certainly if his is still in the closet, as you say, he may not want to admit anything right now. Also, based on the text message that you said he wrote at the club, it could quite simply have been that he was just saying that he wished you were there to hang out with him.

    I'd say just let this drop for now and continue to make him a good friend, as you have been doing.

    My thoughts.:slight_smile:
     
  20. Anonymous

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    It is hardly an option that he did not have time to reply, because it really can't be a coincidence that he stopped talking to me when I asked about that snapchat.

    I really don't want to ask him about it. What has happened the last month is that the distance between us faded. This distance was created when I tried to kiss him. I'm really scared that this has caused him to start being evasive again to me.

    Time will tell, but if he does start being evasive, what should I do? I really don't want a 'drunk-dial' to make things akward again, I have worked so hard to make things cool between us.
     
    #20 Anonymous, Mar 4, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2017