Associating being gay with being alone

I can relate, I've been with a woman before, but at this point in time me being with a woman doesn't feel like a reality, and I'm not sure if its because I feel there's not a lot of options or because I feel like no woman worth it would want me.

 

Yep I can relate. I had a similar conversation with my therapist today and she acknowledged as valid my comment to her that monogamous, stable relationships are significantly less common among gay men that straight folks. That doesn't mean it's impossible, just that it's significantly more difficult to find.

 

I think I would respectfully disagree. And I say that as a person around your age group who has also never been in a relationship and is a gay man.

It is the confirmation bias operating - one sees monogamy less because the more visible aspects of gay culture (apps, bars, dating sites et al.) simply draw a disproportionate share of people for whom monogamy is not important or necessary (bear in mind that, like with most things, it is a very personal choice and I know people on both sides of the fence who are perfectly happy with their relationships). Also, keep in mind that the marriage ruling came into effect only from last year. So the number of monogamous couples might only start increasing with time.

Keep in mind that if you're in the States then, given the individualist focus that permeates everything, you're inescapably influenced to think that being alone is a "bad" thing. It has its downsides, yes. But it's not a death sentence either. Having seen and heard from gay people who've had disastrous relationships they firmly espouse that being alone is better than being stuck in a toxic relationship.

Finding a person to be with is not easy while being gay, yes, simply because there's numerically fewer of us. That does not mean we need to fear that we're going to end up alone. Like all things in life, it takes time and effort. So, as long as you're focussing on having your social support system in place of family/friends, stay healthy physically and mentally, and remain engaged with your work and hobbies, you'll find that you have less time to devote to worrying about being alone.

Again, please know that I'm in perhaps exactly the same position as you and even I have days when I'm moping around saying, "Why, oh why don't I have someone?!" So, we all go through that

 

It's interesting the way people can feel differently.

I find that since I've finally "realized" (or accepted) that I'm not straight, I don't have as big of a sinking feeling that I'll end up alone. This has been within the last few
Months especially. I think this is because when I pictured my life married to a man, it didn't make me feel happy. I couldn't picture a "man of my dreams" because, as it turns out, there just isn't one! When I picture life now, I'm married to a woman and it gives me a feeling of happiness and excitement as opposed to despair.

However, I do understand what you mean in terms of being able to actually find the woman for me. Luckily, I live near Toronto so there is an LGBTQ community. I am still scared that I'll never find the one for me; I haven't even gone on a date with a woman yet. There seems like so much to do before I'll find happiness with someone. Perhaps a fear of being alone is quite universal for single people.

Do you live somewhere where there's an actual LGBTQ community? If not, do you think maybe that's why you feel it will be difficult to find someone?

 

Your reasoning is a bit circular / self-fulfilling. You don't see yourself in a relationship with a man, so you don't want to be gay because you don't want to be alone. But if you step outside this thought process and embrace being gay, you would have a better chance of finding a relationship and avoiding being alone.

I think a better question to ask yourself is why do you have a hard time seeing yourself in a relationship with another man?

 

Understandable. Sorry, I'm probably not the best person to reply to this seeing as I've never been in a relationship with a woman. I hope to be one day, obviously.

I hope that you do find that deeper connection that lasts for you. Getting hurt is hard and it makes you mkre scared for next time. I've closed myself off from most people I meet these days as a result of an intense friendship gone horribly wrong. I think it happens to many people. Good on you for working your way through it in therapy though. That's a start, right?

 

This sounds like me. It's a very difficult feeling to live with.

I feel like I've wasted so many years settling for the wrong person (husband) and now that I'm in my late 50s, it will be harder than ever to find a woman for a real relationship.

 

You neeed to learn to be comfortable with yourself. When you become comfortable with its yourself, you can be comfortable being alone. Your afraid of whom you are, and need to build confidence in yourself.

There is nothing wrong for a person to be single. Whether gay or straight, lots of people are.

 

I can relate...
For me it was more like ... I have had 2 relationships and they were not stellar by any means... and I had some bad experiences just with friends forcing me to be a certain way, act a certain way etc... and I have had to distance myself from them. I think, even after being out 11 years, I am still not fully comfortable being gay. I haven't yet figured out a way to be comfy with it. I just bumble along and try not to think about it. At the moment, I can't see myself in a relationship again... maybe that will change...maybe not... who knows...

 

I can relate, perhaps for different reasons (some of which I don't want to get into). Not just because I'm gay, though, but I think logically that's just the last nail in the coffin for me. To give a couple examples, I'm socially isolated (for various reasons) and I live in a rural area with no genuine "LGBT community" to speak of, to the point where whenever people talk about their local lgbt communities it feels kind of alienating... I can't relate. That being said, I don't think "being alone" is really all that bad. I've resigned myself to my fate, I suppose, but... I'll live, y'know? (Also, for various reasons I don't think I'd be any luckier if I was straight, either, honestly. But that's just me.)

Anyway, OP, if it really bothers you, don't give up hope so easily. An association isn't a fact, you know? I just hate it when I see other gay people get down like this because it's honestly pretty common. It's something a lot of us have subtly been taught for a long time, I think.

PS: Honestly, not to be unkind to anyone, but I kind of hate it whenever people say things like, "you just need to learn to live with yourself", especially on a thread or conversation like this. Feels really insensitive and kind of condescending.

 

For me it was actually the opposite. Embracing being gay was actually about not being alone. I remember a conversation I had with my Mother shortly after coming out where I talked about being closeted in terms of thinking I would just be alone for the sake of those around me. I think that was really the turning point towards understanding for my Mother. Her immediate response was that she would never want that for me.

As a "straight" (closeted) person it may be easier to surround yourself with people but it is very isolating. There are few things more depressing than being alone in a crowd. Coming out was the end of that for me. I was finally really there and the people around me weren't just proximate to me they were really with me.

 

I am in exactly the same position!

 

I think this is a very profound observation.

The irrational fear of being alone is actually about lack of self-worth:

"I don't like who I am, and the idea of being stuck with myself forever, without someone to validate me, is terrifying."

"I have no self-respect or self esteem, so I am unworthy of love. If only someone would prove me wrong."

So perhaps the root of the issue has more to do with how you see yourself, than any realistic assessment of your romantic future.

 

I feel this way too. I had to force myself to 'date' when I was trying to act straight and always felt alone or more comfortable alone. When I accepted myself as gay, I started to feel 'lonely' in a positive way in the sense that I felt that a relationship was missing from my life.

 

it's definitely not easy but in NYC it's better than most places. While I appreciate women and will still date them occasionally I am becoming more romantically attracted to gay men, and FTM and MTF. If I am on a date with a gay man or gay FTM I consider myself gay and that's fine with me and almost everyone knows..even my family. There's hope for sure! And since a few of us are in NYC perhaps we can umm...do the unthinkable!--meet for coffee or a drink sometime to be there for each other , at the very least?!

 

I disagree in part. What you say may be true for some but not everyone. I admit I am still in the closet, in a 'straight' marriage married to a man. But my fear of being alone has to do with only being 'alone'.

I have been through enough therapy in my life that I am completely comfortable with whom I am and have great self-worth. But the fear of being alone still haunts me and probably another reason why I have stayed in denial so long. At least living the lie, I have someone around me, I have a family. That closeness I need.

Yes there I moments days where I feel completely alone even in the life I am living. But it is not the same feeling as being alone without anyone. There's a difference between the two feelings of alone and 'alone'. For those who don't understand they have never felt that fear. Mine is an isolation alone. It is easier to hide and be with people who care about and love you even if it is under false pretenses than taking the risk of truly being alone with no one.

 

In my case my fear of ending up alone definitely stemmed from issues of self worth, even when I thought those issues were solved, I dug deeper in the subconscious mind with further therapy and found them still there, in a different flavour.

Think of it this way : if your self worth is rock solid as your conscious mind says it is, there should be very little doubt that you'll be able to find someone who will appreciate you right away, when you exit your current relationship. So there's no need for the alone fear to be there? Or is it ?

It was so easy for me to lie to myself in regard to why I was doing why I was doing, even after a year in therapy. I like to think that I don't do that anymore after four years of therapy, but I always try to double-check .

---------- Post added 2nd Jan 2017 at 12:13 AM ----------

why I was doing *what* I was doing- - that's what i meant in the paragraph above.

Just sharing a personal experience, not implying that it has to be the same for anyone else

 

I get what you are saying and I understand that is how it is for many if not most people. For me, it is different and comes from my own limitations in trusting others. I know I would be able to find someone that would love me for me. It is the act of finding that would stall me. I do not have the trust in others to take the risk of looking. It is a whole different ball field based from my childhood abuse and instances of other abuse growing up.

1) I love myself enough not to take the chance of being victimized again
2) An embedded fear and distrust of others intentions
3) Both of the above would prohibit me from going out to meet other people
4) self-fulfilling prophecy by wanting not be alone, but not taking the chance needed to not be

No amount of therapy has been able to get me past these fears. I could explain more of my story but it takes away from the op original question.